Message to Plaxico Burress: Buy a Holster

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Message to Plaxico Burress: Buy a Holster

There are certain inevitable truths that humanity must come to embrace: 1) Gravity is a fact, not a theory. 2) The game is called "soccer", not "futbol." 3) Putting mayo on a hamburger is a crime against humanity. 4) NFL players players need to carry handguns for protection.

While efforts are being made to implement the first three of these truths into a worldwide understanding, the last on the list is something that NFL players need to come to grips with as much as the fans.

On Saturday, Nov. 29, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh at a nightclub after the handgun that he had in the waistband of his pants slipped down the inside of his pants and discharged as he groped around for it.

Per the Associated Press: "The incident happened at the Latin Quarter nightclub on Manhattan's East Side on Friday night.

"Burress went to the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan, where he stayed overnight. He was released from the hospital Saturday afternoon.

"A league official says the bullet went through the skin and muscle tissue of Burress' right thigh, and did not hit any major arteries, and there were no broken bones."

It happens. NFL players, and wide receivers in particular, live hard lives and are forced to live in a world that protecting one's self isn't an option, it is a fact.

It isn't as easy as not being a douche bag. It isn't as easy as not going to clubs that necessitate bringing a firearm for protection. It isn't as easy as paying someone to carry a gun for you.

Burress is a man. And in being a man, he knows that he is infinitely more powerful and confident when he is carrying a weapon that was created to end life. Plus, it makes up for any "shortcomings" that already exist below his belt line.

Not knowing the model or caliber of handgun that was used in the self-inflicted stupidity makes it difficult to recommend the proper storage accessory or holster for Burress; however, most range from $15.99 to $29.99.

Not only do holsters look cool, especially tactical holsters that hang lower on the thigh for a quicker draw, but they are practical in the regards that you will never have to worry about your side arm falling down your waist band and shooting off your reason for living.

Mr. Burress, Plaxico... please, in the name of all football fans and NRA members, we understand how cool it looks to keep a handgun in your waistband, we have all seen the John Woo classic movies The Killer and Hardboiled, but please, at least during the regular season, strap on a holster.

You might be surprised at how much less people mess with you when they see the SWAT-style tach holster bouncing side to side as you grind up against a walking case of chlamydia in the clubs.

Thanks.

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