Forget pitying the boxers I've lined up to show you getting spanked by Iron Mike.
What did they really lose? How did they really suffer? What did they really have to go through adding to this man's highlight reel?
They got off easy compared to the degree of cruelty and frustration I endured at the hands of Tyson for an entire year's worth of school lunch hours in second-grade playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.
Our entire school was like a lit powder keg the day 007 373 5963 had been proven as the password to cheat your way into a DREAM FIGHT against Kid Dynamite.
Fortunately, during an interview with Mike Tyson last year, I avoided this topic of discussion.
He's been through a lot over the years. It hardly seems necessary to rub anything in against him (like, I don't know, being able to knock him out in the first round since I was the age of 8).
But don't kid yourself, implicitly he knew––as now you know––given an NES and a joystick, that game-for-anything midget Little Mac as my avatar, and the philosophical, shoulder-patting master Doc Louis returning to my corner, I'd cream him.
As you might have noticed, compiling a list of Tyson's greatest punches brings me back to the excitement Tyson was able to generate at that time.
It goes something like this: Mike Tyson was the most expensive drug that entertainment had ever unleashed on the public. After seeing any of his knockouts, we were all hooked.
The broadcasters calling his fights and stepping in the ring to interview him looked as if they were mainlining what the rest of us were only getting wasted off of by the fumes.
Early on Tyson was marketed by his managers with a poster that said something to the effect of this:
Your grandfather missed Marciano.
Your dad missed Ali.
Don't miss Mike Tyson.
I think that captures it all.