Deep Fried: 15 "Turkeys" For Your Thanksgiving Hangover

Jay HendryCorrespondent INovember 27, 2008

Whoops, wrong Turkey.  I was looking for "Gobble, Gobble."  Thanksgiving has passed. Everyone is fat, ashamed, and looking forward to January 1st's workout and diet resolutions.  

In the spirit of America's most gluttonous holiday (or is it a holiday celebrating America's most gluttonous spirit?) here's a list of 15 "Turkeys" that should have been cooked:

1.) Stephon Marbury

He's a $20.8 million punk.  Refusing to dress and leaving his team outmatched with only 8 players is not something a "star" does.  Averaging 13.9 points last year isn't something a "star" does either.  Maybe he should, like his shoes, cost less money as he is an inferior product.

2.) The BCS

Its cool to bash the BCS right now.  In fact, my first two articles on this site were about the BCS.  There aren't two standout teams this year; there are about seven.  Who's in, who gets left out?  Florida-Alabama will clear up one piece of the puzzle, but what about the Big 12 South? 

USC only lost to the soon to be Pac 10 champ, and Penn State lost by one point.  Boise State and Utah haven't lost yet.  Utah at least gets a BCS bowl bid.  Boise gets to play at the "We're Sorry Bowl" sponsored by Who Gives a Damn.  Congrats on a perfect season, guys, now go beat up ECU!

Which brings me to my next point:

3.) Parity

Sometimes its awesome (The Big 12 South), most of the time it stinks (ACC and Big East)  Nobody's really good, and nobody really stinks.  Its a bunch of mediocre teams playing mediocre football in a couple of mediocre conferences.  Get ready for one mediocre championship, followed by a really mediocre Orange Bowl!

4.) Conferences Without Championships

I'll leave out the Little East.  Eight teams, they all play each other, you know who's the best.  The Big 10 and Pac 10 have no excuse though.  The MAC has a championship.  Make it a BCS conference.  At least we know who wins it every year.

5.) The "Big 1T1en" (look at the logo.  They are mocking your counting ability)

Stupidest name for an 11 team conference ever.

6.) Thanksgiving Football

Not the idea of Thanksgiving football, that's a tradition more important than turkey.  The games were atrocious this year.  Switch the Titans and the Seahawks giving us one really funny, crappy matchup in Detroit-Seattle, one great matchup in Tennessee-Dallas, and one shootout in Arizona-Philly. 

Yes, Kurt Warner forgot his ammo, whatever.  At least the game was interesting on paper.  The other two were guaranteed blowouts.  The college game was a guaranteed blowout too, but I did get to watch Texas play in Hi-Def so I won't complain.

7.) LeBron James 2010 talk

I am finally free from politics and its replaced with something equally unnecessary, the LeBron James mega-money sweepstakes!  Get your tickets but don't worry; you've got 19 months to decide if you want the superstar.  Yes, 600 more days of "where is LeBron going" talk!  Are you excited?

8.) Donavan McNabb Bashing

I'm not a Philly guy so I don't irrationally hate every declining player in my city.  Do you really believe that he wasn't trying to win because he didn't know that he was about to tie?  It sure looked like he tried to throw a 60 yard bomb to win the game at the end to me. 

I don't think he was taking knees and getting ready for OT2 prior to that play either.  For most of his career he was the only reason for their relevance.  Whatever, run him out of town.  I'm sure the Kevin Kolb era will be littered with success!

9.) Green Bay

Idiots, your best player is making the Jets good and you are a mid-lower tier team with the great successor, Aaron Rodgers.  If Favre wants to retire with 7:55 on the clock in the second quarter, let him.  He's going to be back, and he'll still be good.

10.) The Yankees

CC Sabathia is your only shot at redemption.  Don't try to bully him into a contract.  If he doesn't sign, you lose again.  Enjoy life as the worst $200 million dynasty ever.

11.) Tennessee Volunteers

As a Gator fan, it's been fun watching you guys get beat up.  As a rational college football fan, I have to ask: how the hell do you fire a guy like Phillip Fulmer midseason?  He is Tennessee football.  Congratulations on marring his legacy, ruining his recruits, and knocking yourself down a notch.  Stay classy, Vols.  

12.) Triptophan

"15" is too big of a number and I need some filler.  Not stuffing though.  I'm too full for that.

13.) "Heroes"

This show's a mess right now.  I Tivo it every Monday night so I can watch football and go bowling, and early every Tuesday morning I am utterly disappointed.  Sylar is the most excruciatingly painful badguy turned goodguy I've ever seen, and "True Blood" could never reach the level of campiness that Hiro Nakimura resides on.

14.) Jacksonville Jaguars

You guys are a mess.  Do whatever possible to get Anquan Boldin.  Also, draft Crabtree; he's legit.  Your current WRs are not.  Don't get Brandon Spikes, you don't need him.  I know you are going to do this though, because it will leave me seriously conflicted internally.  Cheer for my Gator on my favorite NFL team or boo another wasted draft?

15.) I've got nothing.  Some things I'm thankful for:

A healthy family.  Everyone still around this Thanksgiving is doing just fine.

Gator sports.  Football's looking good, really good.  Basketball needs some work, but I'm still watching.  Women's volleyball clinched another SEC title (18th in a row).  Women's soccer advanced to the Sweet 16 before falling to Texas A&M.  

Another ridiculously good Thanksgiving prepared by my mother and sister.

I've still got two arms and my life.  This story's much older than my BR account, so this will be a first tell.  15 months ago I was wakeboarding at the University of Florida's Lake Wauburg.  I landed a trick inside of the wake and was losing my balance so I dropped the handle.  

Unfortunately, I had built up a decent amount of slack in the rope while I was in the air and I managed to sink through the handle.  Once the rope was pulled taught, I was jerked by the boat slicing through my left biceps and triceps.  

Nothing but the grace of God kept me from severing my brachial artery and brachial plexus and losing, at the very least, my left arm.  I've seen every orthopedic specialist I could find and there's no fixing the damage, but I'm still here, and that's something I can be thankful for.


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