(Cue jaunty intro music)
Hello and welcome to the exciting world of soccer!
Through the wonders of this audiotape, prepare to embark on a marvellous journey through the world of sport without leaving the comfort of your living room! Mr. and Mrs. America, first of all—let me congratulate you on branching out to other cultures and their interests!
No doubt something has prompted this interest, like say—perhaps your son is dating a foreign girl with a strange accent, or your daughter has developed an unhealthy obsession for Bobby Moo—(tape garbles) David Beckham!
First, a helpful guide to terminology!
When encountered with a soccer game, you will no doubt find yourself overwhelmed by the alien terminology. After all, you're not watching a soccer game! No! You're watching a football match.
Secondly, those men aren't playing on grass! It's a pitch! And they're not wearing a uniform, why—that's a kit! Isn't this fun?
Now that you're well versed in the language of socc—err, football; you're ready to move on to your introductory lesson! Douchebag behaviors!
(tape's music shifts to a silly tune)
Soccer is a game of incredible skill, technique, and strategy. However, if you possess the gifts of all three, you can also display an enormous amount of confidence, flair and downright douchiness!
- Example One: Diving. (Please refer to the picture labeled "Example One")
What Just Happened? You're running down the field, er, pitch, with the ball, when suddenly you find yourself surrounded by defensemen! Oh no! Normally, you would pass the ball—but none of your idiot teammates seem to be open.
Worst of all, the TV cameras can't get a clear view of your face because that huge pollack is blocking the sideline! One of the defenders lunges at the ball and strips it from you, without so much as coming within a yard of you.
What Do You Do? You leap off of the ground, attempting to get both feet up in the air, above your head and then fall down as the defender has taken the ball and proceeds to run in the opposite direction.
You then writhe in the ground as if you've been run over by an 18-Wheel Truck and contort your face to suggest epilepsy! Acting chops? Cary Grant's got nothing on you.
What Happens Next? Depending on how good you are at this, you're going to get these in order of performance from worst to best:
- A signal to get your ass up from the referee.
- A foul called on your opponent.
- A foul and a card for your opponent. (In football, offenders get cards for their transgressions. Kind of like when you got a note stuck to your suspenders in kindergarten!)
- A visit from the trainer, a ride on the injury cot and a kiss for your boo-boo.
Example Two: Insulting the Ref (Please refer to the picture labeled "Example Two")
What Just Happened? You've just broken one—or several—of the game's rules and the referee, that insolent dog who is almost certainly a communist, has caught you and is bent on reprimanding you for your transgression.
At least now you know every single TV camera in the stadium is focused at you and your reaction. Get those pouting lips ready!
What Do You Do? For some reason, soccer referees are less touchy about being blatantly insulted than their counterparts in other sports, and take crap that would downright be a no-no in the good ol' US of A.
So what do you do? Like our brave boys in World War II entering a French brothel, you take advantage is what you do! Chances are, unless you punt him in the rear end, he won't budge! So, when you're done yelling in his face, try adding a bit of sarcasm to your bit!
Clap in his face to mockingly approve his decision, or better yet, urinate in his locker room after the game!
What Happens Next? He'll wonder why the suit he hung in the locker room smells like urine.
Example Three: Ways to Insult Your Opponent (Please refer to the picture labeled "Example Three")
What Just Happened? You've drawn a foul, scored a goal, made a good pass, dribbled past someone, or done absolutely nothing of benefit for you or your team but you still want to make fun of someone anyway.
What Do You Do? If skill is on your side, there are plenty of ways to infuriate your opponent. Dribble past them twice even if you only need to do it once! Move your feet around insanely while the ball sits still as if you're about to dribble—then pass the ball to someone else! Make a run past a player as he slides, then look back at him as if to say "I'm over here!"
Not talented? No problem! Trash talk, blow kisses, laugh in their face every time they walk by you, or better yet, wink after you've gotten someone ejected from the game—to let everyone know what kind of a douchebag you are!
What Happens Next? Change shirts with your opponent after the game. Insist that it will be a collector's item for his family that will bring in more money that all of his paychecks combined. Block the punch coming square for your jaw.
For some reason, millions will love you for these antics. Another, large, violent contingent—will not. Invest in bodyguards!
(tape's music switches back)
Great job, America! You've just completed your first soccer lesson! By the time you're done with these tapes, you'll be a regular Johnny Soccerplayer! After you've finished, share these with your friends and neighbors! In no time, America will assemble it's soccer army and surpass all of the world's countries.
If we can't do it with skill alone, we'll just steal some of their best players!
It's the American way! It's the douchebag way! It's the Cristiano Ronaldo way!