BCS Standings and Blowjobs: A Tongue-and-Cheek Evaluation of the Teams

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BCS Standings and Blowjobs:  A Tongue-and-Cheek Evaluation of the Teams

College, Yah! There are two things that any red-blooded, steak-eating American male will remember about college: one is football, the other is blowjobs. 

Both are infinitely more enjoyable with a cold beer in your hand and sometimes it’s best to just close your eyes and not bother watching either.  So, with our hands clinched around a cold MGD, lets embark on this epic journey.

 

Alabama

Everyone talks about her as if she’s the best thing since beer in a can—a tall boy can. You remember hearing some cloudy details about her mythical abilities back when you were a freshman, but she dropped out and you haven’t seen her in a couple years. 

Her mom was a 70s porn star, and your dad probably spanked it to her, so she’s got the pedigree.  She’s back in town, and, needless to say, it's just as amazing as you thought it would be.  Or is it?

It's been a while since you’ve been overwhelmed by the oral ability of a woman, and you’re having some issues putting things in perspective. I guess you can wait a few weeks for your trip down to the Georgia Dome to really wrap your mind around it.

 

Oklahoma

You’ve never heard anything bad about Oklahoma. Anyone who’s ever gotten head from her has praised her skill. She doesn’t even need to do anything special; she’s so damn attractive, you’re hard as the LSATs just looking at her. 

This year is different, though.  She must have talked to her friends from the all-girls private school that is the Big 12. She must have learned some tricks during one of their epic Victoria Secret pillow parties, because in addition to just being hot, she’s developed some serious skill.  Some of your buddies argue that she’s the best out there.

 

Texas Tech

She used to be just about the gimmicks and kink, but you had to figure she’d eventually get good at slobbering on the salami. While she’s not quite as sexy as the other girls down in Big 12 country, she’s got one hell of a bag of tricks.

You’d be enjoying yourself, pleased with the experience, and out of nowhere she’d start massaging your prostrate and force you to pull her hair. You weren’t all that sure what to do at first, so you just went along with it...and you’re glad you did.

 

Texas

There’s something about Texas, something you can't get out of your head.  It was terrific, but something was missing. She’s gorgeous, smart, and going places, but you get the feeling that she slept walk through it—that’s how good she is. 

It got a bit sloppy about halfway through, and left you feeling dirty and used.  Some people don’t mind sloppy as long as they finish, but these are the people who love Texas.

 

Florida

Florida was gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, and every other attractive adjective you can think of to describe a woman. Unfortunately, the speed and efficiency at which she operated caused you some serious embarrassment.

The damn thing was over before it began. No doubt it was amazing, but you pretty much sat there awestruck afterwards, while she went on with her day. Your ego was bruised and battered, but, goddamn, it was terrific.

 

USC

USC is the “hot girl” that everyone talks about regardless of how she actually looks on any given Saturday. Seriously, sometimes she doesn’t shower for a week, forgets to put on makeup, and wears Zubaz LA Rams cut-offs.  But people still say she’s the hottest girl out there because when she does get dressed up, she’s the hottest thing you’ve seen.

The blowjob was spectacular, but you get the feeling that it's not about offense so much as it is about defense. Here’s a girl that’ll blow you so that you stop trying for the poontang and get out of her hair, not because you’ve earned it. 

If not for that awkward start where she got too cocky and made a fool of herself by getting a pubic hair caught in her teeth, this would have been the best you had this year.

 

Utah

Utah is that sneaky hot chick that you’ve sort of kept your eye on for the last couple years but never really made a move on.  A couple of buddies have raved about her refined skill, but they’ve had, like, two blowjobs between them, so can you really take them seriously?

It’s a hard decision, but do you give her a shot? If it’s all hype, you end up wasting a night that you could have spent with someone more reliable—like that hottie from Texas.

 

Penn State

This girl gives fundamentally sound gummers.  Call her Old Reliable: year in and year out you can go to her and receive the antidote to whatever ails you.

There’s nothing special to her, and all of the other girls sat around waiting for her to screw up, and she did.  A few weeks ago, she was drunk and exhausted—she’d just finished a final after two all-nighters, and she needed to blow off some steam, so y’all went and grabbed some cold ones.

You love this chick because she can go beer for beer with you, and she doesn’t drink triple-strawberry-banana-vodka-cream daiquiris, like those prissy bitches down south. Needless to say, she didn’t feel like giving you head, but she did it to prove herself.  You were both pretty smashed, and you’re not sure if it was you or her, but either way, you just couldn’t get there.

 

Ohio State

This was one of your first blowjobs, and you were pretty content with her for a couple of years.  You pretty much thought you were the luckiest guy in the world and couldn’t shut up about how awesome she was.  

All your friends told you that you haven't seen shit till you been down south, but you didn’t listen.  Eventually you made the trek, and they were right. You still have a soft spot for her in your heart, but you’re totally over that methodically slow blowjob.

 

Georgia

Georgia was supposed to be the best out there, but she failed to impress. You can’t pinpoint it, because it seems as if she’s got all the tools.

She’s beautiful, flashy and talented, but DAMN.

You know once it gets to the next level, and you get her into the sack, she’s going to be the best in the country.  But at this point, she can't compete with the other girls. Maybe she was looking ahead.

 

BYU

Everyone told you that she didn’t give head, but you love a challenge. You wasted a good three weeks of your life, and all you got was a promise ring. A freakin’ promise ring.

 

Notre Dame

You got a great one from this girl, but it seems like eons ago. Now she’s into Tori Amos and Emily Dickinson.

It's just too much—you don't even want one from her because you know it means you’ll have to listen to her bitch about the glass ceiling for the next three hours.  She’s painful to be around, and even more painful to watch.

 

(I tried to make sure all of the photos were under the Creative Commons copyright from flickr.com—if by any chance you're reading this article and you're like, "DEAR GOD, THATS ME," email me and I'll take the photo down.)

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