As a kid, I remember going to Round Table Pizza with my mom and step dad. He would always order combination pizza, and I'd have to pick off all the garbage toppings. After eating the pizza, I'd get a dollar which would give me four shots at playing Punch Out.
I never made it past Bald Bull back then. The Bull Charge was pure, unadulterated evil to the reflexes of a seven-year-old.
With the waning popularity of boxing and the meteoric rise of MMA, I decided to recast Punch Out with MMA fighters. Sorry for the crappy photo shops. Actually, sorry for every article I write, as some poor unfortunate soul will stumble upon it and possibly become dumber for reading it.
Body Blow, Body Blow, Uppercut.
Boxer: Glass Joe
MMA Redux: Andre Arlovski
Oh come on. Really? Who better to replace the glass jawed Frenchman then the glass jawed Belarussian?
Andre Arlovski has everything you could ask for in a mixed martial artist. Speed, movement, fantastic striking, solid grappling and submissions. Unfortunately, those skills all go out the window when someone hits him on the chin. Arlovski could have been a top-five all-time heavyweight if he could take a punch.
Boxer: Piston Hurricane
MMA Redux: Rashad Evans
I briefly thought about putting Don Frye here, but Rashad's showboating seemed like a better fit for a guy with a name like Piston Hurricane. Of course, Thomas Ramirez may disagree.
Of course, once you KO Rashad he would have to do the "Stanky Leg."
Boxer: Bald Bull
MMA Redux: Brad Kohler
My old nemesis returned. Bald Bull has made every incarnation of Punch Out. I hate Bald Bull. His Bull Charge wreaked havoc on me as a kid.
Brad Kohler bounced around like Bald Bull and then charged in for a legendary KO against Steve Judson. Plus wouldn't you just to see Kohler's eyes bulge out as you hit him in the stomach?
Boxer: Kid Quick
MMA Redux: Melvin Guillard
Melvin's quick moves and lightning fast strikes make for a perfect Kid Quick. "The Young Assassin" would have fit perfectly in here as a name too.
Of course, Melvin's showboating and antics make him a perfect candidate to want to knockout as well.
Boxer: Pizza Pasta
MMA Redux: Alessio Sakara
Nintendo has a thing about blatant Italian stereotyping. I say, why fight it? In fact, let's just go all the way and make him a real bonafide Italian, from you know, Italy.
Alessio Sakara not only looks like Pizza Pasta, is Italian like Pizza Pasta, but he could hit like Pizza Pasta too. Unfortunately, the MMA version couldn't take the beating the Boxing version did.
Boxer: Mr. Sandman
MMA Redux: Alistair Overeem
Who else to play the overly muscled Mr. Sandman than the overly muscled Ubereem? In fact, judging by his physique, I'm thinking Mr. Sandman is on the horsemeat diet himself. I'd actually like to see a fight between the two just to see if Overeem could stand up to Mr. Sandman's uppercuts.
I think not, but then again, Alistair's uppercuts would put down your green dude quicker than you can say Badr Hari.
So there you have it folks. MMA Punchout. It was only seven slides so it was relatively painless right?
Tune in next time to see the MMA redux of Mike Tyson's Punchout, but without Mike Tyson. You know the crappier version where you fight Mr. Dream? Yeah that one, starring Brock Lesnar.