Super Bowl XLII: Brought to You by the Ringling Brothers

's most elite teams, is now under the control of dark forces: the three ring circus of public relations, advertising and the media.

I assume the University of Phoenix stadium, come Sunday, will be revealed to actually be a large circus tent. Will it pack up and move next year? Is Dumbo in a cage out back? How do you explain advertisers scraping their coffers to fund a 30-second ad spot that will make or break their product for the next year? Will Super Bowl commercials really influence the brand of beer you drink this year? A gazillion dollars in advertising revenue for Fox says you bet they will. Scared? Don't worry, it gets worse.

Ladies and Gentlemen, beware the halftime show.

During this frightful break in the game, glittery, sinfully excessive spectacle appears on the field to thrill and delight football fans who don't like football, and to horrify those real fans who waited all year to see the season's biggest game but didn't know the contest was being played in Disney World. Or maybe in the case of the Janet Jackson incident, somewhere on the Las Vegas strip.

Football ignorants sit next to us on the couch they haven't used on a Sunday since July, drinking frozen drinks, wearing I heart Tom Brady shirts, and scolding "shhhh....you have to be quiet for the next 2 minutes, or we'll miss the commercials!". Then post-commercial break, right back on the cell phone. All of this leads in to the crowning moment of sponsored idiocy blanketed in rhinestones and pleather: That infernal mid-game torture session that is halftime.

I don't blame the faux-fans who are only watching the game for the Us Weekly elements between actual play for their lack of interest in the game. I blame the diabolical media and advertising ringmasters that have them watching this circus in the first place. Or maybe this is just God's way of punishing me for drinking on a Sunday. Regardless, I have stopped watching halftime shows on principle. Its bad for the sport. It's like steroids filled with confetti. If performance-enhancing drugs are destroying baseball, clown suits and monkeys in tiaras are destroying football.

The program is predictable: some poor musician, usually of marginal talent, sacrifices him or herself to the cause. Want to perform? Only if you peaked in the 80's or are a reality show veteran. It would help if you look good in spandex and sequins, but your chances are even better if you looked good in spandex and sequins 20 years ago, but now don your costume and look more like a linebacker in a swarovski-studded wetsuit.

While this poor sap sings some slightly off-key medley, scores of random people who have inexplicably been allowed onto the field crowd the stage and demonstrate that the only instructions they have been given are "dance poorly".

Then each seat-holder raises a colored card. Visible only via blimp-cam, somehow this results in a mosaic of cuddly forest animals, smiley faces, or block lettering of something really profound and original like "peace on earth". You know, because football is so peaceful. Let's all join hands, bow our heads, and then beat the crap out of eachother for another 30 minutes while fighting over a ball. I just can't believe UNICEF isn't begging to sponsor this.

I'm not by any means saying I am against any sort of entertainment elements being included in the Super Bowl and I accept that advertising has its place in the world of sports. I always liked the Bud Bowl. I abhor strict celebration penalties. Spectacle does have its merit. But the Super Bowl is starting to look like a bad Christmas pageant. 

So, because Roger Goodell hasn't consulted me on this matter, I'll offer my best idea here: if you're going to do it, for god sakes do it right. More is more. Let's see the biggest, most excessive display ever. And then let's end it. Know when to quit. Its kind of like Coney Island: Everyone should go once. No one should go twice.

In the interest of picking my battles, I'll let the commercials go, and I propose we do the halftime to end all halftimes, and then let's bury it forever. In the future, let's move to a halftime show of video highlights of the season. Or even blooper videos. I'm ok with punt, pass and kick contests. Maybe nap time? Football fans are like kindergartners with beer. A little doze might makes us all more agreeable during the second half and less likely to beat up opposing fans in the parking lot after the game. I'm open to anything at all that doesn't involve shameless product placement coupled with lip-synching, tutus, or trained animals wearing costumes.

But for our last hurrah in 2008, I proposed we do it up like the carnival it is. Halftime Apocalypse. Whoever manufactures bibles

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