Bills In Toronto: Without Consent Or Lubrication

Bleacher ReportCorrespondent INovember 22, 2008

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On December 7th, Toronto is welcoming the Buffalo Bills with open arms into our precious Skydome Rogers Center.

We’re doing this because Rogers Communication and the NFL have snuck a rather large quantity of roofies into our 5.5% Beer, and Delicious Maple Syrup.

The NFL has come to Toronto before, but its always just been pre-season action which is about as appealing and climatic as watching re-runs of “So You Think You Can Dance CANADA”.

When the details were discussed it was pretty clear that Miami was indeed going to be the worst team in the league.  Miami was awful last year, and while Buffalo and Miami have the strongest rivalry in the AFC East—The bigwigs in Buffalo probably decided this would be the worst home game of the year. 

There’s been a good deal of speculation that after Ralph Wilson kicks the bucket, the team could be brought up to Toronto with this being the test run.

Unfortunately, whoever priced the tickets to this event must think Canadians are so hungry for the NFL, they’d enjoy being double teamed by Aaron Schobel and Marcus Stroud while Steve Tasker does the play-by-play: “Look John, the push Stroud is getting up the middle is nonhuman. He’s using his brute strength of tear through the protection and Schobel, My God! The speed! Different technique, same results John.”

A ticket to the 500 Level of the Skydome is 255 Dollars a piece, without service charges. Now anyone who’s done a Ballpark tour of the MLB knows that the Skydome has the greatest distance between 500 Level and Pitchers Mound in the league. These are not good seats, and while they’re probably comparable to a lot of NFL Seats, they’re pretty bad seats.  A Blue Jays game from this vantage point is nine dollars, CANADIAN.

Ralph Wilson Stadium is about two hours driving from Toronto, depending on the boarding crossing (it's about 120 km, or 70 miles)

The Tickets @ Ralph Wilson for the 49ers game are a whole new ballgame:

Lower Bowl: Section 137, Row 21, Seats 23 and 24 are $66 Dollars, 66 DOLLARS. That's like 80 Canadian, Max.

Say you’re feeling a bit cheaper and you decide to go for the 200 Level at Ralph Wilson your prices for Section 204, Row 10, Seats 27-28 are $48. 48 DOLLARS. 60 Canadian.

Some Maths: Toronto's Roger Centre vs. Ralph Wilson Stadium

Toronto: Two Tickets at 255 = 510 Dollars

Buffalo 100: Two Tickets at 80 Dollars = 160 Dollars

Buffalo 200: Two Tickets at 60 Dollars = 120 Dollars

With the left over money 350 Dollars Canadian we can:

  1. Drive Down there, and Fill our Gas Tank up in the States and drive back for 60 Bucks
  2. Hell, why not spend a couple nights in a Motel or Hotel, at 80-150 Bucks per night we can check in before the game, watch the game and then not have to worry about driving back that night.
  3. Might as well stop at the Duty Free shop on our way back and buy some Alcohol and Tobacco, we do have 140 Bucks left.

The logic behind the “BILLS IN TORONTO” is from the Frat Boys Book of Economics. If you take a chick who’s never been to a fancy restaurant out for a nice dinner, odds are you’re going to score yourself a blow job whereas if she goes out every week to five star restaurants, taking her out for a fancy dinner will probably land you a peck on the cheek, MAX.

A lot of Torontonians have never been to the fancy restaurant that is an NFL regular season game, and we’re more than willing to tongue the balls of the man who made this all possible.

Hell, we might even swallow.