In an act of total desperation, Al Davis has fired short-lived interim head coach Tom Cable and replaced him with legendary motivational speaker Darth Vader.
In today’s press conference, Vader briefly outlined his prospective plan to get the disenfranchised Raider organization back on track.
Below is a brief list of notable Vader quotes covering the major points he stressed during the eight-hour address:
1) “Any player who does not display a commitment to excellence will be given away to the San Diego Chargers (a la Norv Turner).”
2) “I know JaMarcus Russell gorges himself on boxes of Crispy Cream donuts with the O-Line after every loss, and that shit stops right now. If those porkers don’t get with the program, I’ll have them castrated and thrown into the abyss that is Lake Merritt.”
3) “Despite what you may have heard, DeAngelo Hall didn’t get traded. Nnamdi Asomugha got so tired of Hall’s candy ass getting lit up by opposing receivers, he slipped a hobo’s dick cheese into Hall’s chunky Campbell's soup. Not surprisingly, it sent Hall into fatal cardiac arrest. The man currently playing for the Washington Redskins is a clone provided by my people.”
4) “Injured Javon Walker will not receive a dime of his guaranteed money because he is a sniveling poonany who couldn’t catch a pigskin to save Darrent Williams life.”
5) "I am aware that Shane Lechler is the only talented player on the entire roster, and as a result we will formally be petitioning the league to develop a scoring system based on the force power of his devastating punts. "
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