Football viewers were treated to more than 35 percent of kickoffs resulting in touchbacks during the preseason. Viewers of the Jacksonville-New England preseason game saw two rushing touchdowns automatically reviewed without the head coach challenging the call.
Welcome to the NFL in 2011—where safety comes before fun and accuracy breaks the momentum of the game.
Over the course of the season, numerous touchbacks and touchdown reviews will add up to a lot of time doing nothing. Instead of wasting time, here are 11 suggestions on how to make the best of the new NFL down time. Suggestions are encouraged. Write yours in the comments.
1, Switch to NFL Red Zone. Why take your chance with another live game? You know NFL Red Zone will always have action on.
2. Extended bathroom break. Take your time to wash your hands, apply lotion, freshen breath and clip toenails before returning to the couch.
3. Manage your fantasy football teams. Good luck trying to find a couple of suckas to take Cleveland’s Josh Cribbs and Chicago’s Devin Hester off your hands now that their value is down. By the end of the season, you’ll regret trading them after they combine for five punt return touchdowns.
Moving the kickoff from the 30-yard line to the 35...
4. Run to the kitchen and make a snack. Whip up your famous Braised Chicken Breast in a tasty Mirepoix Ragout with Chanterelle Mushroom and Bacon Tartlets appetizers in time for the next snap.
5. Finish the addition to the home. A little at a time and, by January, you’ll have a two-bedroom condo to rent.
6. The wife is ovulating. Try to start a family again.
7. Help your kid with their long division math homework. Please note this statement has no relation to the previous statement. Touchbacks and touchdown reviews will take time, but not enough to go from conception to eight years old in one NFL season.
8. Submit a balanced budget to Congress. Don’t reveal your political party, though. The opposing group will reject it just because. That’s what they do.
9. Create a new Mr. Miyagi training chore. Scrape the barnacles maybe? Hand wash the delicates?
10. Looking for a career change? Take that correspondence course through Online University and by the end of the season, earn your certificate to become a registered nurse, paralegal, air conditioning/refrigeration technician or truck driver.
11. Have a staring contest with a poster of a scowling Jon Gruden while repeating “Bloody Mary” and wait to see if Candyman jumps out from the living room mirror.
Question? Comments? Send to firstname.lastname@example.org.