A few years back, MTV had the very entertaining clay animation show Celebrity Death Match that would pit popular celebrity figures in a fight to the death. I feel it is time to bring the show back, sports style, with a jam-packed card sure to be worth your cash. Thinking long and hard, I have compiled a series of matches based on events and individuals from the past five years.
Dark Match (only to be seen by those in attendance)
Danica Patrick vs. Anna Kournikova
A battle between two sporting beauties who have made a big splash in the sporting world's media but not so in the win column. This is not to say that the two have not won, but they do not win frequent enough to garner the attention they do. Kournikova, to be fair, has been out of the limelight for a few years now and the Patrick watch has lessened.
Show begins...
Opening match: The Williams Sisters vs. The Manning Boys
Remember all those Oreo commercials that started out as Peyton versus Eli? Then Venus and Serena entered the fray. Well, here we go, a tag-team battle to the death. With Peyton's recent surgery, how mobile will he be in the ring? Can the brothers compete with Serena's posterior? Will the teams break down—thus leading to in-fighting due to all four fighters' competitive nature?
Detroit Lions fans vs. Lions front office
After suffering through years of despair, the Mo-town fans will finally enact some revenge. There is no denying the amount of losing they have had to accept and this year is no different. This match is not for the weak at heart as I am sure the fans will not hold back.
Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Roger Clemens vs. MLB, George Mitchell, and Brian McNamee
The saga continues here ladies and gentlemen. Clemens is going to use this match to clear his name and try to fix his reputation. McNamee is not to be taken lightly as he is out for justice. Does McNamee's expertise with needles help him with the various utensils of death. Can "The Rocket" still throw 90 mph to deliver a brush back with the best of them?
Jose Canseco let the skeleton out of the closet about steroids in baseball with his book Juiced. Basically, he did not really endear himself any better in the eyes of Major League Baseball. The book led to Congress stepping in, thus the Mitchell Report.
The current home run king, whether you accept him or not, still wants to play ball but which team is going to bite? We all know he is talented with a bat, but can he use his massive-size cranium to deliver pain?
Pele vs. David Beckham
This is a battle for whom is the USA's greatest ambassador of soccer. Both men were brought over to make soccer (the real football) into a bigger draw. There is no denying Beckham has the youth advantage, so to even things out, we will bring Pele back circa 1960s. Can Pele deliver a death plow worthy of a plague? Can Becks bend a soccer ball straight to the soccer legend's cranium for a knock out blow?
Chad Johnson vs. Terrell Owens
Who is the grandest showman when it comes to touchdown celebrations? There will be no NFL Rules Committee to fine either men as they attempt to show up one another. Whoever loses (and dies) will make many NFL coaches happy, as that means there is one less distraction to coach.
Cynthia Rodriguez vs. Madonna (Special Guest Ref: Alex Rodriguez)
The divorce is in the works for all parties involved. The question going in is how will A-Rod call this match? Does he call a fair match or is he going to be bias to one of the women competitors? One other question to think about, is Madge "Like a Virgin" when wielding a chainsaw?
Intermission....
Michael Vick vs. PETA (Dog Kennel Match)
The ring will be surrounded by the pit bulls that survived Mr. Vick's care. PETA will look to make an example out of the once profitable football star. They will not be throwing paint in protest, instead they will throw fists and whatever weapons they can get their hands on. Vick will have to rely on his leg work, but has all that time away from the field made him lose a step?
Zinedine Zidane vs. Marco Materazzi
This match is just in case Zidane did not extract enough revenge defending his mother's name when he was apparently called, "the son of a terrorist whore." Materazzi, who was caught offside (by the headbutt that is), will he see the attack coming now and can he defend himself? Italy was able to win the 2006 World Cup, can Materazzi, the Italian, win this too?
Ron Artest vs. Jermaine O'Neal vs. Stephen Jackson vs. Ben Wallace vs. John Green vs. Alvin"A.J" Shackleford vs. Charlie Haddad (Special commentators: Marv Albert and Bill Walton)
A brawl to end the brawl. We re-visit the Malice at the Palace in 2004 where fan interaction was brought to whole new level. For those who do not know, the last three individuals involved in the match: Green was the cup thrower, Shackleford and Haddad were the two guys who made their way onto the court. Haddad was the guy to get that slide-punch from O'Neal.
The action is will difficult to cover as this one is sure to go all over. Albert and Walton will provide great humor as we can only hope to hear Albert shout, "Yeeeeessssss."
Hulk Hogan and Christiane Plante vs. Linda Hogan and Charley Hill
The man who ran wild on all of us will try to take down his soon-to-be ex-wife and her new beau. Hogan hooked up with his daughter's best friend, which was a factor for the Hogan family feud. Linda became a cougar and can now be seen strutting down Hollywood with her 19 year old boyfriend. "Whatcha gonna do, brutha!?"
Shaquille O'Neal vs. Kobe Bryant (Special Guest Ref: Phil Jackson)
This beautiful marriage did not last in LA and Shaq was shipped off to Miami before his current Phoenix team. Since the big fellow's exit, the Lakers and Bryant have yet to win another championship.
We all know the back-story here. The town was not big enough for both men. Kobe got into that whole adultery situation and called out Shaq. The NBA would capitalize on the rivalry, always televising Heat-Lakers games.
Now, Shaq is reportedly saying he is welcome to rejoining Bryant and the Lakers after his current contract expires. He says it was fun in LA and most of the problems were caused by the Zen Master, Jackson. It is only fitting, then, that Jackson be the one to ref the match up.
Main event: Adam "Pac Man" Jones and Chris Henry vs. Roger Goodell and Paul Tagliabue
Jones and Henry have given the NFL Commissioners headaches since they entered the league. This is the match where all members can settle the score.
If the players win, they are clear to play in the NFL and their past transgressions are no longer looked at.
If the commissioners win, the players must disappear from the public eye forever.
I just wonder, if the team of Jones and Henry wins, does Jones make it rain for the fans?
There's the lineup, enjoy.
Ladies and gentlemen: Let's get ready to ruuuuummmmmmmmble.
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