After many days of avoiding a Congressional summons to speak in front of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform regarding the recently released Mitchell Report, Chuck Knoblauch, along with son Jake, 3, and wife Stacey, slow-witted, finally came forward to answer questions regarding his alleged HGH use as well as performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball.

After speaking one and one-half hours in a closed session with congressional lawyers, a visibly relieved Knoblauch exited the courtroom to a barrage of questions, most of which inquired as to exactly what substances he injected into himself that made him unable to throw from second base to first base.

Knoblauch deflected this question by stating that he hopes that, "Maybe one day, when he grows up, my son won't have to be worried about drugs in sports." General consensus seems to think that this means Knoblauch's son throws like a girl, too.

Knoblauch then went on to say, "That's why I have him here today, to learn a very valuable lesson: If you do something in life, be prepared to talk about it openly and honestly. That's it."

He then proceded to avoid all questions regarding his downward spiral of a career that started at such an acme being named Rookie of the Year for the 1991 World Champion Minnesota Twins, to his banishment to left field with the Yankees.

After he joined the Yankees, I (along with about 500 other Twins fans seated in student section) threw  batteries at him any time the Yankees played in the Metrodome. While I wasn't really sure where everyone kept getting batteries, it was hard to argue with the guy next me that made the rock-solid argument, "Dude, throw this!"

Finally, whatever did he become in Kansas City? That's where he ended up right? Wait, he retired in 2002? I thought he retired in like 2000!

When one reporter tried to call out the former second baseman turned waste of talent on his piss-poor attitude with an organization as stand up, though slow-witted when it comes to trades, as the Minnesota Twins, Knoblauch proceeded to punch a small child standing nearby who he thought wanted an autograph. 

In fact, the young unidentified girl was actually waiting to get an autograph from Chairman and official hottie of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, Henry A. Waxman, as wife Stacey smiled and drooled ever so slightly from the corner or her mouth.

Knoblauch then went into a tirade, stomping around like a sad little hobbit, culminating in his attempt to throw one reporter's tape recorder through a window. The throw went about 20 feet off target and ended up hitting his lawyer, Diana Marshall, in the ear.

While it is unknown exactly what was said in his statement, one thing is for sure.  If Chuck Knoblauch thinks he was injecting himself with HGH, he might want to go back and make sure that he wasn't, in fact, injecting his now bulbous buttocks with cookie dough.