One day while perusing about Twitter, I came upon this excellent tweet from NHL player Paul Bissonnette:
Counting (Es)Crows. #NHLbands
The game was on. Melanie Collins came up with a winner in "Florence and the Sedin" (though I may have gone with "Rage Against the Sedin."). "The Tragically Yip" was suggested, and Joffrey Lupul came to play with "My Morning Hackett" and "98 Devrees."
It got me to thinking—what if I played this same game across all sports and made the album covers that would accompany the bands?
What you have in front of you is the culmination of that quest.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: "California Dreamin'"
Lyrics Adjustment: Stopped into the church / That they call 'Fenway' / Well, I stepped into the box / And the pitcher prayed / You know the playoffs can get cold / But I came to play / Championship Dreamin' / On an Autumn's Day
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: "The Rascal King"
Let's face it—if there ever was a "Rascal King" in the NFL, it most certainly was Randy Moss. These lyrics are talking about him, right?
The love of God
And constant contradictions
With just a smile, wink or nod
What's stranger fact or fiction?
And never ceasing to amaze
On a regular basis
First hand into his pocket
Or first fist into the faces
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: If I had to pick just one—and it's hard to do—I'd have to go with "The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song."
Lyrics Adjustment: If you could blow up traditional stats / With the flick of a switch / Would you do it? / (Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)
If you could devalue wins / (They don't indicate how well you pitched) / Would you do it?
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: I'll probably get flack from the old-school fans, but it fits the album (and it's my favorite Peppers album), so let's go with "Strip My Mind."
Quarterback Lyrics Adjustment: Please don't strip the ball. And please don't kill me, Mr. Peppers.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: "God Save the Queen"
Jokes I Won't Be Making on This Slide: Anything involving feet.
Slogan the Jets Really Should Incorporate: Never mind the bollocks.
I think we're done here.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: I don't know a whole lot about this band, so I guess we'll go with "Dilly."
Cocky Assertions Involving Album Titles Michael Morse Should Make: I will have success against even a pitching legion of infinite arms.
Or something like that.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: (NSFW!) You know the answer to that.
Why This Totally Works: Antonio Bastardo has been historically filthy for the Phillies this season. Don't believe me? Drop knowledge, Jim Salisbury:
In 55 games, he has allowed just eight runs and 19 hits in 52 1/3 innings. He has 65 strikeouts and 19 walks and a 1.38 ERA.
Bastardo has held opposing hitters to a .112 batting average, the lowest mark among major-league pitchers with 50 innings or more. He is on pace to have the lowest opponents batting average ever for a pitcher with more than 50 innings in a single season. Eric Gagne’s .133 opposing batting average in 2003 was best entering this season.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: The entire album. But you can start with the title track, "In the Aeroplane over the Sea."
Why I Included This Slide: For one, it rhymed. And when's the last time someone mentioned Octavio Dotel? Plus, including Neutral Milk Hotel makes me seem hip and "with it." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go listen to my Velvet Underground vinyls and knock back a few PBR's.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: How do you pick? You can't go wrong with the incredible medley that ends Abbey Road.
What You Should Be Doing While You Read This Slide: Praying to whatever deity you swear by that someday you will land a chick who loves sports and is as cool as Michelle Beadle.
What You Should Be Listening to While You Read This Slide: "Hungry Like the Wolf"
Catch Phrases Based on Songs That Accurately Describe Kevin Durant: Hungry like the wolf.
New Procedures Put Into Place After My Editor, Rollin Herold, Saw This Slideshow: "We will be drug testing from here on out."
In the immortal words of Salvador Dali, "I don't do drugs. I am drugs."
I should probably just wrap things up with that.