And I'm back, half a week later than I had promised since the last report. A lot of things have happened in the NBA since my last rankings, with some rising, some falling, and Mark Cuban being implicated in an insider trading fiasco. What's up with that? It seems as if we have our own NBA Gordon Gecko, only less smoothly cool and more irritatingly loud.
Anyways, that has nothing to do with anything. Here's this week's rankings. Please don't send death threats if your favourite player didn't make the cut or dropped a few spots. It's not my fault they underperformed (see what I did there?).
1. Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets (No Move)
Stats : 20.8 ppg, 11.6 apg and .500% shooting.
Hi, my name's Chris Paul. I like long walks on the beach, romantic nacho dinners, and destroying your backcourt like Philly fans like destroying the Christmas spirit. Chris Paul is still up there among the very best players in the NBA, no matter his position. I would easily pick him over Jesus for my 3-on-3 team.
2. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs (First Timer)
Stats : 27.4 ppg, 5.8 apg and .556% shooting.
This is me saying sorry for omitting Parker last time. This little dude from across the ocean is downright nasty on the court. Not the Amy Winehouse nasty, but the really-hot-twins-kissing-each-other nasty. It was only unfortunate that the Spurs were doing so bad last time. Now that they've relatively turned their fortunes around, Parker's right back near the top.
3. Jose Calderon, Toronto Raptors (Down 1)
Stats : 13.5 ppg, 9.0 apg and .450% shooting.
The little Spaniard that could has definitely taken a dip since the last rankings, shooting worse and going ahead and getting himself his very own injury (aww, isn't it cute?). Fortunately for him, none of the other point guards in the league decided to step their game up. This spot is ripe for the picking. Doth any guard of points dare step up to the precipice of thirdness?
The Departed : Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns
Sorry Steve, my Canadian hombre. But 13.7 ppg and 7.5 apg just won't cut it when compared to your last few seasons.
1. Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat (First Timer)
Stats : 27.9 ppg, 7.3 apg and .495% shooting.
Hey guys. After escaping from Charles Barkley's trunk, I managed to finally show up. Just to show how sorry I am, I scorched the league these past two weeks. What was that? Yeah, I'm sorry about the rest of my team, too. I sure wish Pat Riley would realize we need a centre (Yes, centre. I'm Canadian.) and a starting PF over 6'7''.
2. Kobe Bryant, L.A. Lakers (No Move)
Stats : 24.8 ppg, 3.8 apg and .449% shooting.
I know he isn't getting better numbers than Joe Johnson, but I don't expect him to, seeing that he has to share some of those delicious points with a fellow all-star. Even still, he's doing damn fine and has the top team in the NBA. And did you all see that alley-oop dunk the other night against Detroit? The one where he practically hit his head against the backboard? Did you see how high he jumped?
3. Jetstream Johnsonation (aka, Joe Johnson), Atlanta Hawks (Down 2)
Stats : 26.0 ppg, 4.9 apg and .486% shooting.
Young Jetstream does what jetstreams are meant to do. (Sidenote: I'm not sure what a jetstream does.) But basketball wise, Johnsonation is still killing his defenders and leading the Hawks to a very surprising 6 game winning streak. Too bad his stats are beginning to slip a little, just like the Hawks these past three games.
The Departed : Michael Redd, Milwaukee Bucks
Sorry Mike, the competition's stepped up their game and you're just not cutting it anymore. If this list were longer, you'd definitely have a spot. But it doesn't. So you don't.
1. Lebron James, Cleveland Cavaliers (Up 1)
Stats : 29 ppg, 8 rpg, 7.3 apg and .500% shooting.
If there ever was an example of blatant cheating, it could be seen in my last article when I didn't put James in the top spot. James has since demonstrated why he is currently the very best professional basketball player on the planet. I have no idea what his legs are made out of, but I'm sure it isn't human muscle.
2. Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics (First Timer)
Stats : 21.0 ppg, 7.4 rpg, 3.9 apg and .411% shooting.
I'll admit: I completely forgot about Pierce when compiling my last ranking. That's on me. Pierce has shown that he's currently the best player on what is arguably the best team in the league. Plus, I hate him for murdering the Toronto Raptors last week. I hate him very, very much. And when I hate on a player, it's usually because they're so good.
3. Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers (Down 2)
Stats : 23.1 ppg, 5.5 rpg, 1.9 apg and .451% shooting.
He showed signs of becoming a superstar last year and he sure doesn't like disappointing, huh? Granger's still tearing up his defenders, and doing so on a respectable Indiana team.
The Departed: Gerald Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats
Man, talk about a drop off in production! I feel as if I was blatantly lied to. Blatantly! I hate blatant lies!
1. Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors (No Move)
Stats : 25.1 ppg, 10.2 rpg, 0.9 bpg and .534% shooting.
Still holding the fort amongst power forwards, Bosh is a shining example that guys built like stilts can still dominate in the NBA. Although his overall production has dipped since the first week, he's still proving to be too quick for most big men to guard and too damn tall for guards to handle.
2. Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs (First Timer)
Stats : 24.3 ppg, 9.7 rpg, 1.2 bpg and .555% shooting.
Man, it seems like there's a Spurs Renaissance as of late. I guess you get more recognition when your team doesn't suck anymore. Duncan's bringing some veteran credibility to this list. Plus, he was actually amusing in one of those online Adidas films. Have you guys seen these yet? They're surprisingly well made.
3. Amare Stoudemire, Phoenix Suns (Down 1)
Stats : 22.6 ppg, 8.4 rpg, 1.2 bpg and .582% shooting.
Still holding another fort amongst power forwards, Stoudemire is a shining example that guys built like s**t brick houses can still dominate in the NBA. Sure, he's not the tallest PF out there. His wing span isn't the greatest. But would any of you honestly not pick him up for your fantasy roster if the two guys above weren't available? Watching Stoudemire is like watching a fully grown man abusing children, only without the involvement of police and child services.
The Departed : Carlos Boozer, Utah Jazz
It's not that Boozer got any worse (he hasn't), it's just that the others got better. Sorry, buddy. Just rest easy knowing that you live amongst Mormons, so at least you'll never get robbed and polygamy is always an option.
Centres (Again, I'm Canadian)
1. Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic (Up 1)
Stats : 21.3 ppg, 14 rpg, 4.2 bpg and .603% shooting.
Meet Mr. Howard. He is our first ever fully-functioning cyborg. He has been made to the very specifications of Hercules, with a soothing black finish if only to have some racial diversity amongst the cyborg community. He is bigger than you, stronger than you, and yes, he WILL kill you without a second thought. Until the inevitable rise of the machines, and subsequent enslavement of mankind, he will continue to hog the paint like the cool kids getting high in the back alley.
2. Andris Biedrins, Golden State Warriors (Up 1)
Stats : 16.8 ppg, 14.9 rpg, 1.5 bpg.
Andris Biedrins is mankind's last line of defense against the Howard-bots. His 14.9 rpg are ridiculous. Biedrins has really stepped up this year, proving that old adage: "Sometimes a rookie needs five highly paid NBA seasons before proving his worth."
3. Al Jefferson, Minnesota Timberwolves (First Timer)
Stats : 22.3 ppg, 10.6 rpg, 1.8 bpg and .515% shooting
I pity Al Jefferson. He's obviously a superior centre, but he's also being superior on the worst team in the league. Don't worry Al, there's only five years left on your contract.
The Departed : Yao Ming, Houston Rockets
I remember Ming being a dominant force in the west barely two weeks ago. Now? He's being outboarded by Samuel Dalembert. Apparently there was a Mongol invasion while I wasn't looking, because the Great Wall of China has fallen.
Marc Gasol, Memphis: So, who wants to wager on when the Grizzlies practically give away another Gasol for nothing? I'd say mid-season next year.
Derrick Rose, Chicago: He's leading a newly revamped Bulls team to all-new heights of mediocrity. At least its allowed him to put up a nice stat line.
Michael Beasley, Miami: Miami, where undersized "power forwards" happen. I mean, do people seriously consider the guy a PF? I have to call BS on him being 6'9. Move him to the SF position where he can thrive.
OJ Mayo, Memphis: Easily leading the Grizzlies to a subpar record. So, does anyone else think of a murderous sandwich when you hear his name? No? Huh.
Rudy Fernandez, Portland: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy.
Catch y'all on the flip side.