Revised College Football Student Handbook: 2011 Edition

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Revised College Football Student Handbook: 2011 Edition
(Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Dear Incoming Freshmen,

First of all…welcome to college! We hope these next few years will be some of the best of your life and the memories you’ll share with your peers will be something you’ll remember fondly forever. With that said, we want to make sure you’re familiar with some of the longstanding traditions and policies of your chosen institutions, and the recent revisions we’ve since made to stay current with the rapidly changing world around us.

 

Texas A&M

The traditional Friday night Midnight Yell at Kyle Field may be moved to the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, GA. Things haven’t been finalized, but the university has employed four independent security experts who think they can get past the rather pedestrian surveillance to allow Aggie fans to sneak into the dome under the cover of night.

Also, please note that the following channels have been removed from the Texas A&M campus TV listings for the attached reasons:

The Longhorn Network: Unfair Recruiting Advantage

TNT: Unfair Drama Advantages

Food Network: Unfair Bold Flavor Advantages

QVC: Unfair Porcelain Doll Advantages

MTV: Unfair Teenage Pregnancy Advantages

Cinemax: Unfair Detective Getting Too Close to the Sexy Witness Advantages

 

North Carolina

Academic integrity is and will always be paramount to all of us on campus. For this reason, we’ve decided to terminate the secret Tar Heel tradition of painting answers to multiple choice exams in tiny white letters atop the Carolina blue primer on the horns of our beloved Ramses.

Also, due to a mishap with the printers, we trust you to ignore the extra 273 pages of sociology essays found in the back of this handbook.

If you’re caught cheating, we will not hesitate to bring your case before the Academic Review Board and deliberate until the hour before you intend to graduate, at which point you will promptly be expelled.

 

Ohio State

As young Buckeyes, you probably already know that there is no pregame tradition more storied than the Ohio State band dotting the “I” in Script “Ohio” before kickoff. The privilege has long been exclusive to veteran marching band members, but thanks to an exciting new initiative, any student (or fan) can bid on the right to become that elusive dot.

Each Friday night before a Buckeyes home game, captains of the football team will hold auctions in various lecture halls, with the winner paying for the right to become that week’s dot of the “I.”

We’ve received numerous questions regarding the use of academic scholarship funds to supplement bids, but we are set to decide if we’ll accept these funds.

All students, faculty members, community leaders, and area body artists are encouraged to take advantage of this exciting new opportunity.

Please visit the Woody Hayes Athletic Center or the Office of Student Life for more details.

 

Oregon

An institution of Saturdays in Eugene is crossing the footbridge that spans the mighty Willamette River on your way from campus to Autzen Stadium, where Ducks fans open games by cheering Puddles the Duck as he shoots out of the stadium tunnel atop a customized Harley Davidson motorcycle.

For environmental purposes, we must disclose that the football team has opted to pay an extraordinary sum to a private firm in an attempt to power the famous Oregon Harley with high-grade rocket fuel. Early results have been disappointing, but in order to get the vehicle to an instant top speed of 118 mph, drastic measures had to be taken.

We appreciate your patience.

 

Miami

No field entrance rivals the Hurricanes’ use of billowing smoke as a means of bringing the proud Miami football tradition to life before each home game in the Magic City. To better accommodate our proud Hurricane players, a local disc jockey will now welcome the arrival of the nation’s most electrifying team to their Saturday stage using pre-selected dance music to complement the excitement.

In addition, two-for-one ticket packages are frequently available, and fans attending afternoon games will now be able to take advantage of an always-delicious lunch buffet.

While not required, those sitting in rows closest to the field are encouraged to donate a small gratuity to the program by merely dropping small bills around the edge of the field, which will then be gathered by Miami football staff members.

 

If you have questions about new campus policies and revised traditions, please don’t hesitate to contact us. By the time you read this, though, there will likely be a new “us” in this office. Please know that we meant well.

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