Sports fans have a fairly simple job—show up and support your team.
Yet, somehow, some fans take their love of the game to new, and often unforgivable, heights. As far as I'm concerned, there's a giant invisible brick wall that extends to infinity between them and the players on the field, and that line should only be crossed if invited.
But some fans seem to think they should be a part of the game. They heckle, throw anything they can get their hands on, punch each other, physically interfere with games, riot, phone in death threats, and if all else fails, sometimes they murder.
Unfortunately, a lot of these acts go unpunished, and when they do, it's not to my liking.
I'm a big eye-for-an-eye type of guy, so in that spirit, I'll even offer how I would punish the following jackasses.
The following is the 30 worst instances of fan behavior in the history of sports.
Fan is guilty of: disrupting the game by running onto the field; gettin' tased, bro.
In a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals, a 17-year-old man ran out onto the field and waved a white towel around.
It was the greatest moment of his life—up until a security guard tased him.
There are reports that he even called his father that morning and asked for his blessing.
Some would argue that him getting tased was a punishment, but that would be false.
Every player on each team should be allowed to kick him in the balls, followed by repeated tasing of his balls. Then, they get to kick him in the balls once more.
My verdict is final!
Fans are guilty of: throwing a fake penalty flag.
In a game between Virginia Tech and Boston College, a flag was thrown following a pass play that featured some minor contact.
Problem was, the refs weren't the one's who threw the flag. The flag came, as the ref says, "from the stands."
The referees will accompany the fan to his work, and if he's just a student, then to the classroom.
For every time the fan makes an error of any kind, the ref will throw a flag. And he will continue to do so until the fan is conditioned to believe that a yellow flag will be thrown every time he screws up.
When he's nice and scarred, the ref will stop.
Fan is guilty of: "costing" the Chicago Cubs a trip to the World Series.
During Game 6 of the NLCS, Marlins' second baseman Louis Castillo hit a ball foul into the left field stands. Cubs outfielder Moises Alou attempted to catch it but was unable to after Steve Bartman interfered with the play.
The Cubs, who had a 3-2 series lead, would go on to lose the game, with "The Bartman Incident" being considered the catalyst for the loss of the game and series.
We will create a cyborg assassin to go back in time and terminate Steve Bartman at birth, effectively ensuring the Cubs go on to will the World Series.
Unfortunately, Cubs fans will still complain, because that's what they do.
As a result, we'll build another cyborg to go back and destroy the original cyborg, effectively allowing Cubs fans to wallow in their own misery for all of eternity.
Fans are guilty of: hating the other team a little too much.
It was the third quarter of a preseason match up between the 49ers and Raiders, when a vicious fight broke out in the stands between rival fans.
And it wasn't the only fight.
Dozens of fights reportedly broke out, most notably outside the stadium where two men were shot, and one in a bathroom where a 26-year-old man was beaten unconscious.
Preseason games will be canceled between the Raiders and the 49ers indefinitely, until they learn the error of their ways.
Wait, I guess they're already doing that.
Fan is guilty of: throwing a flare at a goalkeeper's head; having great aim.
In the 73rd minute of a match between AC Milan and Inter Milan, goalkeeper Dida was struck by a firework, which came as a result of Inter fans being enraged over a disallowed goal.
Dida will be given 20 flares of his own. We will dress the fan up as goalie, and Dida will throw flares at him for 30 minutes. Also, dirty diapers and dusty Spice Girl CDs.
We could also stick those CDs inside the dirty diapers, then light them on fire with the flares and then throw them.
Fan is guilty of: a facemask; keeping a player from returning a kick by holding him.
It was the American Conference title game between the Jacksonville Sharks and the Georgia Force, when receiver C.J. Johnson, who was awaiting the kickoff, was essentially assaulted by a fan in the stands.
The fan will be banned from all Arena Football games, not because of what he did, but because Arena football sucks.
Some would call this a favor.
Fan is guilty of: running onto the field; incidentally, starting a riot.
A fan runs out onto the field during a soccer game. The cops tackle him and use a little too much force, striking him repeatedly with a baton, which enrages the crowd; they come to his rescue.
A riot ensues.
First off, this is exactly why fans running onto a field should be taken more seriously. Now give me a second while I get off my soapbox.
Second, I would hire someone to interrupt every aspect of this man's life by running by him with a flag. And I mean every aspect. If he's on the toilet, run by him with a flag. At the post office, run by him with a flag. Making love to his wife, run by him with a flag.
If he's running on the field with a flag, run by him with a flag.
Hopefully, this will teach him how disruptive and annoying it is.
Fan is guilty of: tackling a hockey player; wasting his talents by not playing football.
In a junior hockey game between the Eugene Generals and Seattle Totems, a General was sent off the ice and was tackled by a crazy fan, for reasons unknown.
He will be tied to a pole, and the Generals player will get to kick his ass for roughly three minutes. If the player chooses to use his stick, it's only one minute.
If he racks up enough combo points—there's combo points—he'll receive a get out of jail free card, which he can either use or exchange for a mystery box.
The mystery box will contain an autographed JaMarcus Russell jersey, which is worth nothing.
Fans are guilty of: taking "father/son bonding time" a little too far; attacking coach Tom Gamboa from behind.
Kansas City Royals first-base coach Tom Gamboa was minding his own business when 34-year-old William Ligue Jr. and his 15-year-old son attacked him from behind during the game.
The entire Royals team would come to his aid, which was good, because a pocket knife had just reportedly fallen out of one of the attackers' pockets.
The fans claim Gamboa had exchanged words with them during the game, though Gamboa denied this.
Father and son will be left in the woods, with nothing more than their pocket knife—not even their clothes.
They will be left there until I figure out what to do with them, because I'm hungry now and can't think of a verdict.
How about we just send some wolves out there or something?
Fan is guilty of: kicking a flawless penalty kick; having excellent technique.
In a game between FC Saturn and Spartak Moscow, Alex Meschini was getting set to take a penalty kick. And he would have, had a fan not run out onto the field and take it for him.
To the fans credit, he made the shot.
In an important game, the fan will be forced to take a penalty kick.
He will miss it, and the crowd will throw road flares and chunks of concrete at him—not because I ordered them to, but because that's just what they do.
Fans are guilty of: threatening death upon Bill Buckner.
It was the 1986 World Series, the Red Sox, who were in a serious title drought and leading the series 3-2, were playing the New York Mets.
The game had gone into extra innings, when a line drive to first base went through Bill Buckner's legs, leading to the Mets winning the game.
The Mets would go on to beat the Red Sox in Game 7.
Buckner would receive death threats for his error from frustrated Sox fans.
I was born in 1986, so I will send back every single person who threatened Bill Buckner back in time to watch me be born—in slow motion.
That should give them nightmares.
Fans are guilty of: cheering the spine injury that forced Michael Irvin to retire.
In a game between the Cowboys and Eagles, Michael Irvin was hit by defensive back Tim Hauck, falling head first into the turf.
As he was being put onto a stretcher, Eagles fans cheered, which was just fine with Irvin, because he had been "killing them for 10 years," as he would later say.
Every single fan in the stadium will be chained to their seats. On the screen will be played every game from the Cowboys dynasty of the '90s, including all three of their Super Bowl victories.
Also, on a separate screen will be footage of Troy Aikman running without a shirt. For the fans who actually enjoy this, they will be tased unmercifully in 10 second intervals.
Fan is guilty of: throwing a knife at Wally Joyner; not finishing the job.
The Angels were playing the Yankees, and out of a nowhere a fan threw a knife with a five-inch blade at Joyner from the stands.
Luckily, only the handle of the knife struck Joyner's arm.
Yeah, it was just that simple and weird.
Since the knife didn't actually inflict any real damage, I order a game of chance.
Joyner will be given five knifes and five chances to hit the fan, who will be strapped down and spinning, like in those circus acts I've seen on TV.
And just because I'm feeling crazy, all five knifes must be thrown—no matter what.
Fan is guilty of: wearing a kilt and green beret combo; ruining Vanderlei de Lima's chance of winning the race.
It was the 2004 Olympics in Athens, and Brazilian marathon runner Vanderlei de Lima was leading the race on his way to a gold medal.
Then, out of nowhere, Irishman Cornelius "Neil" Horan, a former priest, ran out onto the street and pushed Lima to the side of the road.
Reports revealed that he was drunk—no way!—and had actually gotten in trouble the year before for protesting at the British Grand Prix.
It should also be said that he was less a sports fan and more a huge fan of God, as he was holding a placard that said, "The Grand Prix priest. Israel fulfillment of prophecy says the bible, the second coming is near."
As of today, the second coming has yet to occur, totally calling Horan's credibility into question.
First off, Horan will be forced to wear normal, big-boy clothes.
Then, he will have five minutes to justify his claim. He will try, but seeing as it will be during my sandwich time–it's always sandwich time—I will not hear it.
He will be fed to the Kracken.
Fan is guilty of: taking Chad Kreuter's hat off his head, hitting him, then hightailing it the hell out of there.
The Chicago Cubs and the Los Angeles Dodgers were in the ninth inning and nearing the end of the game, when a fan stole the hat off of Chad Kreuter, who happened to be walking by the bullpen, hit him and ran.
Kreuter, as well as the rest of the Dodgers team, gave chase. Fans and players would trade punches, as the great hat thief escaped into a sea of people.
In the end, 16 players and three coaches were suspended a total of 76 games for the incident.
And yes, Kreuter got his hat back, so it was all worth it.
I will place Chad Kreuter's hat on a lion, and the fan will be forced to try and get it. Plus, the lion will be enraged because it's not a Dodgers fan.
Should he actually get the hat, he will be forced to put it back on the lion. And if he does that, he will earn the title of sorcerer.
Sorcerers are fed to the lions.
Fan is guilty of: harassing Cantona to the point he felt he had only one option...unleashing his inner Lou Kang.
Eric Cantona, of Manchester United, had just received a red card and was super pissed about it. On his way off the pitch he was being harassed by Matthew Simmons, a fan of the rival team.
Cantona, being a master of conflict resolution, launched an aerial assault on Simmons, jump kicking him in the chest and punching him a couple times for good measure.
And just to prove he's a total jackass, Simmons was arrested this year for punching another man at a children's football game.
Sometimes a fan deserves to be jump kicked, as is the case with Matthew Simmons. Therefore, I would have Cantona jump kick Simmons 10 times. I will rank each on a scale of one to 10.
I will then write a Bleacher Report article titled, "Power Ranking Eric Cantona's Top 10 Jump Kicks."
In a related note, I will hire Eric Cantona as my personal bodyguard, just so that he may jump kick my enemies. He will also open any and all doors for me in this manner.
Fans are guilty of: attempting to burn an American flag; hating America!
Nobody knows for sure why William Thomas, 36, and his 11-year-old son ran onto the field and tried to burn an American flag in 1976 during a Chicago Cubs vs. Los Angeles Dodgers game, but one thing is for sure:
Rick Monday wasn't going to have any part of that sh&%.
Just as Thomas and his son were about to set fire to the flag, Monday darted by them and intercepted the flag, in what is considered to be one of the top 100 classic moments in the history of the game.
William Thomas and his son will be forced to eat the American flag, so that American will always be inside of them. They will follow it with some apple pie, which will have cut up pieces of the latest Bon Jovi album inside of it.
A bald eagle will be in attendance, as will a smokin' hot chick wearing a bikini and sitting in an American muscle car. I will also be in the car.
Fans are guilty of: being sore losers, and I mean really sore—pushing over those cars is a workout.
The Vancouver Canucks had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, and Canucks fans were none pleased. So, they did the only logical thing left to do—they rioted.
And it wasn't the first time Canucks fans rioted. They did the same thing after a Stanley Cup loss to the New York Rangers in 1994.
But hey, at least we got an iconic picture out of the 2011 riot.
You have to look at the bright side, people.
Those individuals whose cars were pushed over, get to find the rioters and push their car over. And for good measure, they also get to punch them.
I also just decided that the riots will be inside the cars.
Fans are guilty of: knocking Sid Brooks, the Chargers' equipment manager, unconscious by pelting him with snow balls.
In the season finale of the '95 season, the Giants lost to the Chargers 27-17, prompting Giants fans to pelt the Chargers' sideline with snowballs.
Equipment manager Sid Brooks was knocked unconscious by a block of ice.
Having recently watched the horror movie Jack Frost, I will construct a snowman, then I will find a serial killer to fuse with the snowman. Once accomplished, I will order him to destroy my neighbor with the little dog that won't shut up.
And when I'm done with that, I will order him to find the man who knocked out Sid Brooks.
Fans are guilty of: booing America's favorite fat man, golly ol' Saint Nick.
The Eagles were having an abysmal season in 1968, finishing with an embarrassing record of 2-12. Lucky Santa Clause was there to cheer them up at halftime of the final game of the season.
Well, he would have, if the Eagles fans weren't booing and throwing snow balls at him.
It was, as sports radio host Glen Macnow of WIP-AM in Philadelphia said, "..like spitting on Miss America."
I will order Santa Clause to place them all on his naughty list, but he will inform me that they're all already on it, and not even because of what happened.
He will place the book "Seriously, What the Hell is Wrong With You Philadelphia?" in their stockings.
The book is by Dr. Phil.
Guilty of: provoking Mike Milbury; getting beaten down with a shoe.
Following a skirmish between the Boston Bruins' Al Secord and the New York Rangers' Ulf Nilsson, Rangers fan John Kaptain reached over the glass and gave the Bruins' Stan Jonathan a good smack with a rolled-up program, then he stole his stick.
The Bruins' Mike Milbury rushed into the stands, took off his shoe, and proceeded to beat the hell out of Kaptain, which is, as far as I'm concerned, the single most demoralizing way to beat a man down.
I take that back—beating a man down with a maxi pad would be the most demoralizing.
Considering it's funny as hell to watch a man get beaten with a shoe, Mike Milbury will continue to do so for 48 hours, or until he's too tired to continue.
The fan will be granted two bathroom breaks and one phone call, granted he can do either while still being beaten with a shoe.
Fan is guilty of: throwing a beer on Ron Artest as he was laying on the scorer's table.
The Pacers' Ron Artest and the Pistons' Ben Wallace had just concluded a shoving match after Artest delivered a hard foul with just 45 seconds left in a game.
Artest went to lay on the scorer's table to, as the announcer put it, "take a breather." And as he lay there, a fan threw a beer on him.
Artest transformed into his alter ego, "Crazy ol' Ron Ron" and attacked fans.
I will lock him in a room with no windows—the lack of windows is just for effect.
I will blare Ron's rap album over a Bose sound-system non-stop, until he either loses his mind, or he develops a terrible taste in music.
Both results are one in the same.
Guilty of: hating disco with a fiery passion.
Chicago disc jockey Steve Dahl called for fans to bring their unwanted disco albums to a Detroit Tigers-Chicago White Sox game, where the discs would be collected at center field and blown up.
What ensued was 90,000 fans showing up to a stadium that could only seat 52,000, and after the records were sent to hell, they stormed the field and damaged it so badly the game was canceled.
And disco was never spoken of ever again...
Each rioter must watch Saturday Night Fever, closely studying John Travolta's firm, boogying ass until they can each successfully pull off these dance moves.
And only then will they be released...
Oops, I forget to mention they're hanging from a cage above a volcano. For the record, the volcanoe's active, and there's a television in the cage.
Fan is guilty of: giving a very specific death threat.
It was the 1977 U.S. Open, and Hubert Green was feeling uneasy as he approached the 15th hole. His caddy noticed that Green was acting strangely but wasn't sure why.
Green shanked his first shot, telling his caddy, "Stay away from me and meet me at the ball." He would go on to get par on the hole, but strangely, there was no audience around to watch it—just Green, his caddie and Frank Tatum, chairman of the USGA competition committee.
Who, by the way, knew all about the death threat.
The reason: a woman had called in and said that she would kill Hubert Green on the 15th hole. Not the 14th. Not the 16th. But the 15th hole.
Talk about playing under pressure.
No murder was ever attempted on Green that day, and the woman who gave the death threat was never found, thus proving once and for all that you can give death threats without repercussion.
I said without repercussion!
Hubert Green will call the fan and threaten death.
He will tell her that she will die shortly after she makes a right turn onto Fifth Street, just as soon as she passes the third tree where that prostitute usually hangs out.
She will pass the third tree and believe she is OK, but Green will shoot out one of her back tires, which will suck because tires are really expensive.
Fan guilty of: being a cold-blooded murderer.
An Iraqi soccer player was approached by a fan of the rival team, who walked up to him and shot him in the head just as he was about to take a penalty kick.
It's exactly as terrible as it sounds.
Yeah, I'm not touching this one with a 10-foot pole.
Fans are guilty of: drinking too much; partying too hard, woo!
In desperate need of boosting attendance, the Cleveland Indians unleashed a promotion that seemed like a good idea at the time, known as "10-Cent Beer Night," during a game vs. the Rangers.
And as one would expect from a bunch of drunken sports fans, total chaos ensued.
Some highlights include:
1. A rather portly woman flashing her dirty pillows to the crowd from the on-deck circle; she would also attempt to kiss the umpire.
2. A naked man ran onto the field and slid into second base, who would, as a result, suffer a serious case of dirty ass.
3. Two men jumped the wall and mooned the Rangers' outfielders.
4. Beer, and other things that can hurt, was thrown onto the field, specifically at Rangers players.
5. Smoke bombs were set off in the stands.
6. Fans would storm the field.
The fans will be forced to drink Keystone Ice, the mother of all crappy beers. Once they throw up, they will be given Natural Ice mixed with Olympia.
Should they survive, I will give them a high-five, perhaps followed by a low-five.
Then, out comes the Bacardi 151.
Fan is guilty of: shooting Andres Escobar to death.
It was the 1994 World Cup, and Columbia and the United States were locked in a tight match.
John Harkes, an American midfielder, crossed the ball into center, where Columbian defender Andres Escobar slid and accidentally kicked the ball into his own goal.
Two weeks later, he was shot and killed outside of a night club.
Humberto Castro Muñoz, a bodyguard for members of a powerful Colombian cartel, confessed to killing Escobar and was sentenced to 43 years in prison.
Seems good enough for me.
Fan was guilty of: stabbing Monica Seles in the back with a knife.
Monica Seles was no stranger to death threats.
Her home country of Serbia was in political turmoil, and she had been receiving death threats because of her native roots. She had even received a letter saying a bomb had been planted in the house where she was staying for Wimbledon.
But threatening someone and actually doing something about it are two different things.
Seles was in a quarterfinal match with Magdalena Maleeva, when suddenly Guenter Parche, a 38-year-old lathe operator, ran out from the stands and stabbed Seles between the shoulder blades with a five-inch blade.
She was not badly injured.
It was later revealed that the stabbing wasn't politically motivated, Parche being simply a crazed Steffi Graf fan.
We will strap a Selena Gomez mask to Parche's head, then we'll find a crazed female Justin Bieber fan—which should be incredibly easy.
The crazed fan will stab Parche in the back for stealing her man. It's a fool-proof plan.
Fan is guilty of: killing his two-year-old stepdaughter.
Hector Castro, a 27-year-old McAllen, Texas, man, beat his two-year-old stepdaughter to death because she wouldn't stop crying during a World Cup match.
Thus making him No. 1 on my list and a nominee for worst human being in America.
I'll think of one when I believe in the world again.
Note: Though I consider No. 2 to be much worse than No. 1, I didn't want to end on such a sad note—not that this isn't sad, but just not as sad.
Fan is guilty of: sticking his fingers down his throat and "projectile vomit[ing]" all over an off-duty cop and his daughters.
Michael Vangelo, a cop, just wanted to enjoy a Phillies game with his two daughters, age 16 and 11. They were sitting in front of a few unruly fans, who were in the middle of being ejected when suddenly one of them, 21-year-old Matthew Clemens, unleashed his finishing move upon the family.
He stuck his fingers down his throat, screamed "Super Projectile Vomit Attack!"—not really, but that would have been cool—and let loose on the family.
He was arrested. Then, he went into hiding.
We will feed to the two girls Taco Bell, following by a serving of McDonalds, and then perhaps Arby's, resulting in an unholy bout of nausea—this could occur at either end, both northern and southern.
Then, they will get to unleash on Clemens until he cries for his mother.