My girlfriend’s going to love this…
For the record I would never try to upgrade over my girlfriend being because I couldn’t “upgrade,” per se, I could only make a lateral move. Since she’s so good. In fact, even a lateral move may be impossible. Again, since she’s so good.
A few notes before we begin:
If I’m leaving my girlfriend for you (again, hypothetically), you better be the total package.
I’d like looks, money, and loads of personality. And really, just a touch of womanly dominance—I want you to tell me where to eat.
Okay, I think that’s it. In no way am I advocating anyone leaving their lady.
Although that said, if you did get an opportunity with one of these 50…jeez.
Maybe take up polygamy. Be creative. No one needs to get hurt. Umm, let's begin.
She’s a golfer, right? :)
No, I know. She’s not a golfer :(
Okay, we didn’t really start yet.
I just wanted to show those pictures of Diora Baird.
Also, while we’re at it…want a Diora Baird admission?
A friend of mine actually knows her and I’m too much of a weenie to ask for an introduction because I literally have no idea what to say.
How do you hit on a girl like that?
“Hey, your Playboy spread… Impressive work.”
“I enjoyed your acting in Stan Helsing.”
“Eyes up here.”
I literally don’t have a line, and/or topic of conversation, that I think would come even close to working.
Someone help me out here. I’m actually inquiring. Shoot me some ideas and if there’s one worthy, maybe I’ll try it out and post the results.
If you need to reach me, I’ll be sleeping on my couch for typing this slide.
See? This is not good.
This is my editor’s revenge on me for making him meticulously check every slide I write so as to catch inappropriate euphemism.
On that, let’s get going for real…
Keep your eyes peeled for euphemism.
The first few names on this list are those on the action’s periphery.
They’re technically WAGS, I suppose…though to me, they’re a tier more substantial.
Because she’s the NHL’s Queen WAG, of course.
Anna Benson, whose subtlety cannot be understated.
Gemma Atkinson, who almost made the transition to American WAG. Someone get this lady a passport.
Okay, this one plays into my aforementioned search for “womanly dominance.”
Chances are, your current girlfriend is incapable of out-bantering you while watching a game.
Well, provided you’re into this type of thing and don’t find it emasculating to have your girlfriend do the clarifying, re: subtle rule changes that the NFL competition committee enacted over the summer…she just might be your girl.
This one is personal.
Savannah is a good option if you don’t live in Miami and thus find yourself looking for revenge on an impractically consistent basis.
I don’t have LeBron’s money, but you know what they say, Savannah: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”*
(*Editor’s note: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” actually finished second in the voting for the 2010 motto of the American economy. It just narrowly lost to “Run for your life!”)
Actual Ed. Note: Writer hates LeBron.
Speaking of the American economy…I’m at the point where I wouldn’t mind marrying into the Kardashian family.
Not sure I would be willing to add a K to my name though.
Gisele has a lot of what I’m asking for in a woman.
Looks, money, and the ability to dominate pro quarterbacks harder than anyone short of Ndamukong Suh.
Also a plus: She’s much prettier than Ndamukong Suh (who, I’ll admit...is a looker.).
Full disclosure: Between Gisele and Bridget…I’ve always been on "Team Moynahan.” (Hence, her superior ranking.)
If you leave your girl for Bridget, you get to throw a football around the yard with Tom Brady’s son.
For a load of New Englanders, things don’t get much better than that.
For a load of everyone else in the AFC-ers, at least you’d have a bargaining chip for when your team played the Patriots.
I’m not saying I’d be dating her for the money…
I’m typing it.
We’re transitioning into the athletes now with Darya Klishina, a somewhat recent discovery I made whilst hanging in Russia to watch some Track and Field.
Upon being informed she was under consideration for this list, Darya sent us the attached video…and while I speak only rudimentary Russian, I’m pretty sure the following are accurate translations:
“Thank you for including me in your list. You’ve made me very happy. Ryan Braun is an animal in bed...”
(Editor’s note: None of the above is true. Darya didn’t send the tape, and Ryan is not an animal in bed.)
Actual Ed. Note: ...sigh...
Did you know that before each game, Finch would gather the team around and scream, "Where my pitches at?"
Because nothing gets athletes hyped quite like a pun.
(I made all of that up, of course.)
Good genes in that family.
I’d like my kids to have some Ali in them, though I do worry it might make disciplining them a challenge.
I’m not sure Vince McMahon is quite Muhammad Ali as a patriarch, but I’ve long had a thing for Stephanie.
That said, prying her away from Triple H could be an issue.
What can I say? I love a woman in uniform. And she is the epitome of cool. Sorry. That was bad.
She’s really cute, really tiny, and for what it’s worth…she’s a “Baron” away from being really funny.
In my book, that’s a “close, but no cigar.”
Okay, I admittedly had no idea who Peggy Fleming was until I started my research for this slideshow.
1. She’s seriously a looker!
2. She fills my quota for “people born in the 1940’s," so…that’s a win.
She’s 24, she’s an LPGA tour participant, and she has the same name as the love interest in my all-time favorite love movie, Il Postino.
(Serious side note: If you haven’t seen this movie, NETFLIX OR OTHERWISE RENT IT! Get the Italian version with subtitles. It will change your life, and/or get you laid.)
Amanda Beard is beautiful, mature…and yet I find myself just a little afraid of her obviously significantly-bearing (that’s just a tad short of “overbearing”) sexuality.
Her confidence/aforementioned-sexuality is so palpable it reminds me of Natasha Henstridge in Species.
I’m not flirting.
Mia Hamm married Nomar Garciaparra, who presumably told a significant number of lies to win her over.
Okay, now we’re back to the part of the program where I get into trouble.
Jamie Printy looks exactly like my girlfriend, but is both taller and better at basketball.
I picked the first picture of her; my girlfriend picked the second.
(I’m telling you, she’s f’ing vindictive.)
I would leave my vindictive girlfriend for Alex Morgan.
Truth be told, I already tried to when I tweeted her this about a month ago, half for comedic effect in another B/R slideshow, half because I was hoping she’d write me back and say that she thought I was awesome as well.
Alas, my credentials for awesomeness aren’t as strong as hers, nor are my legs as pretty.
Michelle Wie qualified for a USGA amateur championship at the age of 10, and turned professional just before her 16th birthday.
I’ve done neither and I’m 28.
Michelle Wie is depressing.
I’ve registered more domains with Danica Patrick than with any other girl on this list, and that is absolutely a euphemism.
Okay, Clevelander’s slide coming up:
I'd known that Gretchen was a gold medal-winning snowboarder, but I just today learned that she’s originally from Ohio.
Might we have a Browns fan on our hands?
Because if so, that adds an infinite amount of credibility to her candidacy for “my girlfriend.”
Super beautiful, super talented, Browns fan.
She's no idea how to dress in the winter, but we can work with that.
Speaking of “no idea how to dress in the winter,” here is Sarah Burke, getting frostbite.
(Side note: I’ve written that line—or thereabouts—before, and it’s because I believe in it. I like a little practicality in my photoshoots, and FHM magazine is living in either a land of fantasy or of zero nerve endings.)
(Side note number two: Sarah Burke is Canadian…which made me think of this: “Tristan Thompson is nice!”)
(Side note number three: I’m both aware and embarrassed that I’ve become a publicity-lush.)
Just for the record, I’d be dating her for the ski lessons.
Ana Ivanovic is a sentimental choice for me—she looks exactly like the girl I fell in love with in college but was too shy to ever ask out.
The end result?
I went swimming with her (my girl, not Ivanovic) three times a week for an entire semester while subsequently investing in $100 goggles so that I could stare at her legs underwater.
This is my plight.
I’m living vicariously through these lists.
She with the four names was a baller at UTEP before retiring to her native Bolivia to become a model.
She also has a Twitter account with only 276 followers, so if you speak Spanish I think there might be some opportunity there to work your way in.
(Probably bonus points if you can ride horses.)
Literally, the only flaw on her resume is that she dated Ben Roethlisberger. (Gulbis was the girl in between the assault charges.)
She’s pictured above, doing the stretch her doctor recommended she do literally at every opportunity because of a degenerative back condition* for which she has no symptoms but her doctor swears is real.
I don’t like to overstate things, but I’m in love with Anna Rawson.
So much so that I went to the trouble of determining her definition of sexy (so as to cultivate it inside myself) and here it is:
“Physical and mental confidence is the greatest turn-on. That’s what sexy means.”
I’d date Lauren Jackson both for her looks, and for the shade.
I realize Serena can be a polarizing pick…so why is she at 19?
Because my girlfriend (who is now back in the room) is growing more vindictive by the minute and I’ll be needing someone big to defend me.
She poses in her underwear and handles phallic objects.
These are the things I have in common with Leyrn Franco.
The coolest thing I found while perusing for Abalde Diaz info?
A Chinese message board (on which I can read nothing except for the word “FACEBOOK,” which appears once) basically worshipping at the alter of Tamara.
It’s just a bunch of pictures with her looking beautiful…and in a way, that kind of gives me added hope in humanity.
We Chinese and Americans aren’t so different after all, because all things being equal, there’s not much we’d rather do than sit at home on a Monday and look at pictures of hot women on the internet.
The human race is in fine hands.
She’s beautiful, she’s a world famous tennis player, and she’s Danish!
According to Forbes.com, Woziacki was also the world's second-highest earning female athlete last year with a whopping intake of $12.5 million dollars.
I need a cold shower.
Anna has long been off the market courtesy of Enrique “Dream Crusher” Iglesias, but she still maintains a high ranking for her substantial contributions over the years to the objectification of women via the internet.
To a true pioneer, Anna Kournikova—she who taught me the hard way that you have to delete your internet history if you don’t want your parents to find it.
I’m gonna change her last name to, “It’s Complicated.”
(And by that, I mean I’m going to invite her swimming three times a week and bust out the ‘ol $100 goggles.)
Hey, let’s harken back to the intro slide for this one…
Don’t leave your girlfriend…“take up polygamy. Be creative. No one needs to get hurt.”
Maybe Romney is on to something.
Not only is Candace Parker legitimately beautiful, but that baby (yours and hers) is an investment.
You don’t end up in a home if you have an NBA player.
Meaghan is both sexy and at the same time so cute that she’s a borderline anthropomorphic Care Bear.
Funny side note: This is also how Laisa Andrioli plays poker.
Gina Carano is both an MMA superstar and a Steven Soderbergh actress.
She’s is both beautiful, and can also cause internal bleeding with her bare left foot.
I think that’s what you’re supposed to look for in a woman—well-roundedness.
Okay, we’re in the top seven now, so it’s time to get serious.
If I’m leaving my girlfriend (she’s left the room again…), I’m going to need some perks. I’m going to need to be wooed.
Ayla Brown’s dad is a senator, and in this economy, I figure it couldn’t hurt to be dating a senator’s daughter.
Provided he was okay with it.
Did I mention that Congress' approval rating is 14%, and in no way do I find that justified?
With Yoyo and Ayla, I’m tapping my “Sexiest Basketball Players of All Time” list a little bit, and mostly just because I wanted to write that I was “tapping my ‘Sexiest Basketball Players of All Time’ list.”
I actually met Stacy Keibler once in an improv class.
Two things to report:
1. She is every bit as beautiful in real life as she looks on TV. She’s stunning. And really, really tall.
2. I tried to make a move on her, she said to stop, and then I accused her of breaking character.
(Note to everyone—girls included: I’ve never felt more confident hitting on someone than I have in an acting class. You really do have the ultimate out—“Oh, I was just, um, acting… yeah, so, no worries. Wasn’t actually interested. Just, let me pull my pants up.” Might this be why actors always get together?)
I have such a crush on Sue Bird.
Of all the people on this list, she’s the one I most hope to run into at a bar.
And by writing that, I hope she’s also the reason I’ll be allowed to write off drinking as a “work-related expense.”
(Note to B/R: It would not be expensive at all; I drink two beers and I’m down.)
In many of my other lists, Maria Sharapova takes the top spot—both because she is Russian, and because she is so, so beautiful. (And yeah, the tennis stuff, yada, yada, yada…)
But not today.
Today is the day I take my passive-aggressive revenge on Sasha Vujacic for depriving the world objectification market (WOM) of one of its great beauties by pointing out to everyone reading this article that the domain name for Sasha’s personal website is sashavujacic18.com, but ever since he was traded to the Nets, he’s been wearing number 20.
Braun: 1 (that insult)
Vujacic: 1 (Sharapova)
(Side note: While typing this slide, I tried to register the domain name sashavujacic20.com, but found that it’s already taken. I’m deeply disappointed.)
Okay, the top two—both knowledge, personable, beautiful women. My top two picks are definitely women. (Women as opposed to girls, not...whatever else you may have thought I was insinuating.)
Erin Andrews, Rey Maualuga’s favorite sports reporter, is now 33 and working semi-full-time (which I suppose is irrationally complex terminology for "part-time") at both ESPN and “Good Morning America.”
She also has experience at left guard. (See above; from GQ.)
And number one…
I’m an admittedly late comer to the Michelle Beadle fan club, but am now nestled in quite comfortably (mostly because she seems like both a lot of fun, and honest to a fault).
Exhibit A on the honesty front (and also an interesting little top-of-the-list subplot)?
That Michelle Beadle exacerbated an established feud between herself and Erin Andrews by admitting she'd watched EA’s peephole video.
“Who didn’t watch that video?,” said Beadle when challenged.
And Exhibit A re: her being a good time?
Okay, it's coming...but I have to preface this with two notes:
One, the about to be linked article is probably NSFW, and two, this whole thing is very much alleged, not even resembling proven fact…
…but here you go: Deadspin’s inquiry into Michelle Beadle’s post-ESPY party practices.
Allegedly, she’s a Green Bay fan.
End Note: I hope reposting that potentially quite inaccurate article isn’t offensive to Michelle Beadle, because I actually do really like her.
So Michelle, if you happen to stumble upon this slideshow, let me take you out for drinks to apologize.
My girlfriend is out of the room.