Recently it has come to my attention that there a quite a number of unsightly footballers present in the English Premier League. Cutting this list down to 10 has been a tricky process.
Over this strenuous, sometimes emotional journey, much has been learnt about the players, such as their Ugliness:Ability ratio, as well as some of the players' capacity to have hair and still look like a bowling ball rolling down the gutter.
A number of teams have really let themselves down by signing and even retaining players who have faces like dropped pies.
Luckily their feet often make amends for that, but that's not always the case. And anyway, it's all about inner beauty; it's what's inside of you that counts—and money. Unfathomable magnitudes of money.
As Peter Crouch once said when asked what he would be if he weren't a footballer: "A virgin." That's the kind of beautiful insight that you love.