Recently it has come to my attention that there a quite a number of unsightly footballers present in the English Premier League. Cutting this list down to 10 has been a tricky process.
Over this strenuous, sometimes emotional journey, much has been learnt about the players, such as their Ugliness:Ability ratio, as well as some of the players' capacity to have hair and still look like a bowling ball rolling down the gutter.
A number of teams have really let themselves down by signing and even retaining players who have faces like dropped pies.
Luckily their feet often make amends for that, but that's not always the case. And anyway, it's all about inner beauty; it's what's inside of you that counts—and money. Unfathomable magnitudes of money.
As Peter Crouch once said when asked what he would be if he weren't a footballer: "A virgin." That's the kind of beautiful insight that you love.
Never has a man been able to wear a monobrow so elegantly.
Jose Bosingwa is not that man.
It appears that Chelsea have banned all mirrors in their club; even the mere sight of such a ghastly monobrow would surely cause Jose to spend another season injured.
Yes, and we were all told he'd done his knee.
Don't call me Big Ears.
People say you should never judge a book by its cover.
But when the cover looks more like the dog's breakfast, and genuinely is torn at the edges and mauled by some sort of massive feline animal residing in a house, you would be forgiven for not picking it up and looking inside.
By the way, Johnny Flanagan is the book, and by all accounts he is a very nice man—on the inside.
No list would be complete without Shrek.
The embodiment of trying: Manscaping.
This year Wayne has achieved the admirable feat of actually looking worse with his hair on then off.
Quite impressive to say the least.
Of course, this is entirely offset by the fact that he earns seven times the average British salary in one week. Nice one Wayne. Nice one.
"Plays like a bulldog," as Martin Tyler so aptly described on FIFA's latest edition of their brilliant football game (always love a good plug).
Unfortunately for Carlos, he also bears a striking resemblance to one. As well as a chipmunk. He's been known to fill in for Ugly Betty when she calls in sick.
Remarkable for a man who has already done so much in his career. Really. I mean, bulldogs are quite harmless aren't they?
Good old Rio.
A face born for radio if I've ever seen one. Rio plays the position that matches his facial features.
Fearless, tough and one mean, mean centre-back, Ferdinand's style is symbolic of every wrinkle, every crevasse, in that dropped pie of his.
Certainly not a view for the little ones.
Ah yes, the picture quality does improve when you put your hands there, Mohamed.
It's never a pleasing sight to see Diame line up against your team in the EPL.
Least of all when they rotate to him during the team lineups and your flat screen gets hit by a stray elbow and cracks much in the same vein as Harry Potter's scar.
Coincidence? I think not.
Mainly for breaking my TV.
Jay just has the face that makes you think that his teacher found it difficult to teach him at school.
It's just got the X-factor. There's no other way to put it.
I believe he may have been separated from Wayne Rooney at birth. Shrek and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.