The Washington Nationals completed a trade with the Florida Marlins Tuesday, sending Emilio Bonifacio and a pair of minor leaguers to Florida, getting Scott Olsen and Josh "All I Do is Hit Home Runs Against the Mets" Willingham in return.
The deal comes much to my chagrin—with Pat Burrell unlikely to return to Philadelphia, that would have been two Met-killers out of my hair, had the Marlins sent Willingham out of the division. Now he's just going to be playing for those pesky Nats, who will be bottom-feeders from April to August, then suddenly play like the '98 Yankees when September rolls around.
In spite of my spite, this trade begs the question:
How does Manny Acta plan on keeping this circus at bay? He already has Lastings "Publicly Upstages Veterans and Records Vulgar C-List Rap Songs" Milledge and Elijah "Throws Bats at Umpires and Fights with Managers in the Dugout" Dukes on his roster—how will Scott "Gets into Fist Fights with Teammates and Tasered by Police for Resisting DWI Arrest" Olsen fit in?
With that kind of All-Star nastiness team being built in our nation's capital, I've comprised a Mr. Congeniality team using players from the last 20 years or so. I wasn't alive for Babe Ruth or Ted Williams, plus I'm sure they were great guys...
Try managing this team. Warning, it's a full 25-man roster, so it's long!
C - A.J. Pierzynski
Altercations with Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano on back-to-back days, multiple complaints from teammates, and just as Derek Jeter won the "most overrated" award from MLB players, Pierzynski won "most deserving to get beaned," with an overwhelming 18 percent in 2008.
1B - Jeff Kent
A racist redneck who didn't reach his prime until after the Mets traded him. Arguments with teammates, breaking contract by riding his motorcycle, getting in an accident, and blaming the injuries on "falling while I was washing my truck." The man fought with Barry Bonds! How can you not love Barry Bonds?!
2B - Roberto Alomar
Sept. 27, 1996, after being called out on strikes, Alomar began to argue with home plate umpire John Hirschbeck. Words were exchanged, and Alomar ended up spitting in Hirschbeck's face. He was only suspended five games...I wonder what would happen nowadays. Don't even get me started on how poorly he played in his years with the Mets.
SS - Derek Jeter
"The Captain" is anything but a captain. He doesn't speak up and support his teammates publicly, he is grossly overpaid, and these "intangibles" everyone speaks of are becoming less and less apparent as the years go on.
He thinks he runs the show, but can't back it up on the field. Then off the field, he gets all the beautiful women I wish I could get. That's why I really despise him.
3B - Scott Rolen
Drama with Tony La Russa during the 2006 season and during the playoffs earns Rolen a spot on my list. Third base is a shallow category here. Plus, I love A-Rod and Miguel Cabrera too much to put them on my list.
OF - Barry Bonds
I guess Jeff Kent isn't the only one who doesn't get along with him, afterall!
OF - Milton Bradley
Career highlights include tearing his ACL while arguing with an umpire, and rampaging through Kauffman Stadium looking for Royals' play-by-play announcer, Ryan Lefebvre for making questionable comments about him. Another team's announcer talking trash about the opponent of the team that signs his paychecks? No, I don't believe it.
OF - Carl Everett
Where to start? He doesn't believe in homosexuality or dinosaurs. I know, it's a strange combination, but it's true. He threatened to set any gay teammates straight. He also said since dinosaurs aren't in the bible and nobody saw them, they don't exist. People saw Adam and Eve, so they exist. Umpires don't like him, fans don't like him, and teammates don't like him. He loves being hated.
There were a lot of outfielders to choose from, so I have to include an honorable mention section. If you don't know their infractions, you should look them up. You'll get a laugh:
Paul O'Neill, Vince Coleman, Elijah Dukes, Albert Belle, Lastings Milledge, Jose Guillen, Karim Garcia, Paul Lo Duca, Michael Barrett, Doug Mientkiewicz, Coco Crisp, Gerald Williams, and Gary Sheffield.
Every good team needs a pitching staff, too.
SP - Roger Clemens
Broken bat incident with Mike Piazza, ninth on the all-time hit batsmen list, accused on more than one occasion of being a headhunter, and cheats on his wife with 15-year-old girls.
SP - Randy Johnson
Third all-time on the hit batsmen list, several testy run-ins with the media, and he killed a dove with a 100-mph fastball. Shave that mullet.
SP - Scott Olsen
Resume listed above. Fights were with Miguel Cabrera, Sergio Mitre, and Randy Messenger.
SP - Curt Schilling
His blog makes more headlines than he does nowadays, talking trash about players, management, and media. Schilling is more concerned about getting face time on TV than he is about playing the game or helping his team.
SP - Pedro Martinez
I hate to do it, but it's only right. Pedro speaks a little too much, telling the media what's on his mind, and he's never been afraid to pitch high and tight...then admit it after the game, if not on the field. See: Pointing at Jorge Posada's head saying he'll drill him. Throwing Don Zimmer to the ground was funny, and not Pedro's fault.
RP - Billy Wagner
Another racist redneck to join Kent, Clemens, and Johnson. Wagner blames minorities on his team when he blows the save. He likes to burn bridges after leaving teams. It was a shock to see him leave the Mets with tears in his eyes.
RP - Todd Jones
A closer nicknamed "roller coaster" is never a good start. We can sum Jones up in one quote:
"I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me. It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face."
RP - John Rocker
We probably don't need Kent, Clemens, Johnson, or Wagner. We've got the racist of all racists! He doesn't want to deal with kids with purple hair, queers with AIDS, people who have just gotten out of jail for the fourth time, or 20-year old moms with four kids. I just hope he doesn't take issue with any overweight people on this team. He doesn't like them, either.
In honor of Rocker, this team should be based out of Macon, GA.
Jeff Nelson, Kevin Brown, Armando Benitez, Carlos Zambrano, and Kenny Rogers.
This team wouldn't be complete without management and a front office!
President/Owner/CEO - George and Hank Steinbrenner
I could write about 2,500 words on why these two get the nod, but if you've been reading the whole way, I'll spare you and assume you can figure it out yourself.
General Manager - J.P. Ricciardi
Ricciardi, who had never met Adam Dunn, claimed on a radio show that Dunn has no passion for the game and has no place on his (at that point) last-place team. He should have been begging to have a .220 hitter with 40 home runs on his squad.
Manager - Ozzie Guillen
Even if he can't light a fire under this team's rear-end, he'll at least make the postgame interviews worthwhile.
Bench Coach - Don Zimmer
There might not be any controversial players left for Zimmer to attack when the benches clear, but it's safe to assume that this team will cause some brawls...they could use Zimmer on their side to provide some spunk
Purposely left off this list: Alex Rodriguez, Miguel Cabrera, Manny Ramirez, Glendon Rusch (ask Tino Martinez if that 80 mph fastball hurt), Lou Piniella (too good for this team), and Mark Cuban.
Is anyone missing?