Creating the Ultimate Sports Hottie
Sure Maria Sharapova is an attractive lady, but wouldn’t she be more attractive with Stacy Kiebler’s legs and Jenn Sterger’s rack? You bet she would.
Imagine you could create the ultimate sports hottie by Frankensteining all the best parts these ladies have to offer. Honestly, it might end up kind of freaky, but we’re young so let’s just experiment.
Sports hotties in this instance does not include WAGs. Yes, many of them are exceptionally hot, but they are really a category unto themselves and shouldn’t ever get mixed in with actual athletes or broadcasters who have jobs.
Just a note, the best rack is the very last slide so you have to commit.
Now let’s head down this freaky road together and cobble together the hottest hottie ever.
Style: Anna Rawson
Anna Rawson has always been a better model than a golfer, so it’s no surprise she’s got an excellent sense of style. The Australian stunner played collegiate golf at the University of Southern California until 2004 and when on to play three years in the PGA before retiring in 2010.
I doubt we’ve seen the last of Rawson
Smile: Erin Andrews
ESPN’S Erin Andrews is the dream girl of most of the straight male population and in recent years has ventured into a very dicey “I love you so much, I want to kill you,” territory. There is definitely no shortage of famous hot blondes, but there is obviously something that sets Andrews apart from the pack.
Her gorgeous smile might very well be a contributing factor; not implying that it has the power to drive men crazy… but it obviously has the power to drive men crazy.
Just try to be a little less crazy because it’s getting scary people.
Hair: Danica Patrick
Danica Patrick gets way too much attention for her “racing career” but not nearly enough attention for something that she’s good at: having nice hair.
Finally a first place finish in something.
Sense of Humor: Olivia Munn
Olivia Munn takes a lot of heat, mostly from women, who don’t care for her ‘sex-pot with a sense of humor’ career angle. Maybe she isn’t a perfect fit at the Daily Show, but she’s definitely a lot funnier than they give her credit for.
Munn is fearless and she’s not afraid to look like a complete idiot which is a nice change of pace from tragically boring personalities we’re used to.
Shoulders: Leryn Franco
Leryn Franco is a Paraguayan model and athlete who competed in the javelin throw at the 2008 Beijing Olympics and the 2004 Athens Olympics. She was the first runner-up in the Miss Universo Paraguay pageant in 2006 and appeared in the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Clearly the javelin throwing thing has done wonderful things for her shoulders… which are obviously the only thing you’re looking at.
Attitude: Michelle Beadle
ESPN’s Michelle Beadle packs an awful lot of attitude into a pretty small package. Beadle doesn’t just fit in on SportsNation; she actually holds her own against bigmouth Colin Cowherd as well as the big name athletes that frequently appear on the show. Don’t believe me? Try watching that show when Beadle’s out and ESPN pulls someone out of the substitute blonde closet they must have; it’s abysmal- absolutely unwatchable.
Beadle is funny, sarcastic and apparently knows how to party.
Arms: Jennie Finch
Jennie Finch is an American softball pitcher who competed in the 2004 Athens Olympics and 2008 Beijing Olympics; winning gold and silver respectively. Years of pitching have been good to Finch’s guns, which have been famously featured (along with the rest of her) in the 2005 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Fun Fact: Her MLB pitcher husband, Casey Daigle, proposed to her in the mostly ridiculously cheesy/adorable way: "He blindfolded me and took me to the mound and said, 'You have been the queen of the diamond for four years. Now I want you to be the queen of my heart.'"
Where do you guys get this stuff?
Athletic Ability: Serena Williams
Sure she has a number of other business ventures but Serena Williams is famous for playing tennis, and kicking ass at it. She’s not modeling to ‘pay the bills’, she’s not hawking energy drinks and she’s not complaining to the media about sexism.
She’s an athlete who doesn’t have to lay naked on car to earn a living. Go girl.
Abs: Logan Tom
Bikini Style: Anna Kournikova
Anna Kournikova is much more famous for her ability to rock a bikini hard than she is for playing tennis; ain’t nothin wrong with that. You’ve seen the silver bikini, the white bikini, the gold bikini, the red bikini, the black bikini, the denim fringe bikini, the orange bikini, the g-string bikini, the striped bikini, the grey boyshorts bikini and the tankini.
Now you’ve seen the yellow bikini. Maybe it’s not her best, but sometimes you gotta change it up.
All links are virus free. Boom. You’re welcome.
Back: Francesca Piccinini
Francesa Piccinini is a three time Olympian who represented Italy in the 2000, 2004 and 2008 Summer Olympics. Piccinini obviously isn’t afraid to take it all off and in 2004 she appeared naked in a calendar published by Men’s Health magazine.
Bonus: Her official website features some kind of creepy interactive hologram that functions poorly but will make you laugh.
Pet Preference: Partridge Twins
You know when you first meet someone you really like and things are new and exciting and everything seems to be going your way? Well there is nothing more disappointing than finding out this ridiculously amazing person has three cats because he or she just isn't a "dog person."
Eyes: Amanda Beard
It’s possible that you’ve never actually noticed American Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard’s eyes before, but it’s totally not your fault because in most of her photos she’s nearly (or totally) naked and being splashed with water.
If you’re still finding it difficult to focus on her eyes, just trust me on this, they’re pretty sweet.
Sense of Adventure: Lottie Aston
It doesn't really get more adventurous than BASE jumping. Essentially BASE jumping is for unbalanced people who think skydiving is for little girls and/or the elderly. It's one of the world's most dangerous activities, but that's just how Lottie Aston rolls; knee deep in badassery.
An afternoon of staring death in the face with Lottie would surely get your heart racing.
Skin: Malia Jones
Jones has been named one of the “50 Most Beautiful People” by People Magazine in addition to countless other publications.
Accent: Roberta Mancino
There isn't much official data on the interwebs about which accents men find appealing, so I had to just go with my gut on this one despite the other accents considered: French, Australian, Spanish, Irish and Bri'ish.
Accents ruled out instantly: Canadian, German and Chinese. Sorry Canada.
Fun Fact: Mancino was inspired to become a skydiver after watching the (awesome) movie Point Break. Who was't inspired to become a skydiver after watching Point Break??
Demeanor: Gretchen Bleiler
Legs: Stacy Keibler
Former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler has got the best legs in the biz. They probably have their own manager at this point and they should have their own Twitter account. Keibler’s goddess-like gams had been well known amongst wrestling fans for years but went mainstream in 2006 when she competed on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars.
Oh and as if the world wasn’t already unfair to the average Joe, it was recently reported that Keibler is George Clooney’s rebound girl after his breakup with Elisabetta Canalis. Imagine living in a world where Stacy Keibler is just another rebound fling.
Family Connections: Kate Mara
Actress Kate Mara is the daughter of Timothy Mara, a scout for the New York Giants, and Kathleen (Rooney) McNulty, of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Rooneys. So in addition to being crazy hot, she comes from two families that can give out season tickets for Christmas like your family gives out tube socks.
So unfair.. she probably doesn’t even like football…
Toughness: Lokelani McMichael
Have you ever entered a triathlon? Me either. But I’ve seen them on television and the whole thing looks exhausting. In addition to surfing and modeling, Lokelani McMicael is also a triathlete who was the youngest female to finish the Hawaii Ironman.
McMicael, who only models to “pay the bills”, was named one of world’s sexiest athletes by ESPN in 2007.
Booty: Maryse Ouellet
Maryse Ouellet is a French Canadian model and has been with the WWE since 2006 after participating in their 2006 Diva Search competition. She’s currently out with an injury but is filling time as co-host of NXT. Outside of wrestling Ouellet has appeared in Playboy’s 2007 Girls of Canada calendar and Timbaland’s 2007 music video “Throw It On Me.”
Fun Fact: Ouellet was Miss Hawaiian Tropic Canada- anyone else surprised to learn Canada has a Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
Sports IQ: Jenn Brown
Jenn Brown isn’t your average model turned sports lady with a vacant stare and a microphone; she’s actually got legit sports cred. She played seven different sports in high school, earning a record breaking 14 varsity letters, and went on the play soft ball at the University of Florida. Brown planned on becoming a sports agent but television beckoned and today she works as a reporter and host for a number of ESPN programs.
Bonus: Her Twitter account is worth following because she is far funnier than someone who looks her usually is.
@JennBrownESPN My favorite thing about grandma's house is the cushioned toilet seats...why don't people put these in their homes anymore?
Taste in Food: Leandra B.
So you don't want to go spend your hard earned cabbage at some pretentious tapas restaurant and sip 14 dollar martinis? No problem, neither does Indianapolis Colts Cheerleader LeAndra B! Girl likes to keep it simple with pizza.
Bonus (depending on how you feel about eating in bed): she likes to eat it in bed.
Taste in Movies: Cheryl
If you read through NFL Cheerleader bios you'll notice that most girls list at least one of the following movies amongst their favorites: The Notebook, Legally Blonde, Pretty Woman, Grease or Dirty Dancing- oh and one girl listed White Chicks and I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Basically nothing but a bunch of soul sucking drivel.
Don't want to get stuck watching a movie so bad it makes your eyes bleed?
Well, Philadelphia Eagles' Cheerleader Cheryl is a different breed, in the best possible way; she lists Pulp Fiction as the standalone movie. Honestly the awesome choice is kind of surprising given some of her other answers, but only her taste in movies is relevant here.
Lips: Niki Gudex
Niki Gudex is mountain biker and impossibly hot for the world of extreme sports. Pretty much every part of her is killer, but her naturally full lips are what Lindsay Lohan hopes to achieve each time she gets those nasty things pumped full of chicken fat.
Gudex, who also works as a model and graphic designer, was named to FHM’s list of 100 Sexiest Women in the World five years in a row (2002-2006).
Income: Maria Sharapova
There are plenty of things Maria Sharapova brings to the table, but her gigantic pile of money tops pretty much all of them. She’s recently rebounded from injuries and started winning again in 2011, but like many athletes she earns the bulk of her fortune from endorsements.
Sharapova raked in $25 million between July 2010 and July 2011 and her contract with Nike was just extended for eight more years, which alone could bring in as much as $70.
Ability to Hold Her Liquor: Liv Boeree
Plus she likes to hang out in casinos, gamble, play the guitar and drink JD from the bottle. I’m all in.
Sex Appeal: Sara Carbonero
Sara Carbonero is a sports journalist who was unsurprisingly voted "The Sexiest Reporter in the World" by FHM magazine in 2009. She's also the girlfriend of Spanish soccer player Iker Casillas.
Carbonero is so hot that many fans blamed her when Spain lost their first match in the 2010 World Cup; they said she was standing too close to Casillas in goal, which they said was too distracting. Sounds plausible.
Personality: Marisa Miller
Marisa Miller was hired by the NFL in 2010 as a spokesman and the nation was grateful. For being one of the hottest women to ever walk the planet, Miller is shockingly likable and down to earth. She's got a dog, maintains her own blog and she's an ambassador for the USO. Oh and she's actually pretty funny; see tweet below and accompanying photo as evidence.
Rack: Anna Semenovich
Who knows what they are pumping into the water in Eastern Europe, but whatever it is; it’s working. Anna Semenovich is a retired competitive ice dancer from Russia who now works as an actress, model and singer. If you’re into Russian pop music and/or really large boobs, you should really check out Semenovich’s Ne Madonna video.
Fun Fact: Everyone is wondering what the hell Eastern Europe is up to because if you Google “why are eas..” the first suggestion is “why are eastern european women so beautiful.” Thanks for reading my mind, as always, Google.