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Bleacher Report's First-Annual NBA No-Defense Awards Show

Joseph FafinskiCorrespondent IJanuary 12, 2017

Bleacher Report's First-Annual NBA No-Defense Awards Show

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    The art of defense is perhaps the most vital part in the sport of basketball.

    The NBA releases its annual All-Defense teams. Here, we gather tonight to recognize those who are terrible on defense.

    I am your host, Joseph Fafinski, and tonight, I will guide you through the worst of the worst when it comes to defense. Enjoy, and don't hate me too much!

     

    Follow me on Twitter @JosephFafinski.

The "I'd Rather Just Stand There and Look Like I Care" All-Stars

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    PG: Jose Calderon, Toronto Raptors

    I could have a field day discussing at great lengths Jose Calderon's beyond terrible D, but I'll let his game do the talking there. He would really be considered elite at the position if he knew how to move his feet. Watching him try to play defense is like watching a Ke$ha music video—it's that painful.

     

    SG: Corey Maggette, Milwaukee Bucks (now the Charlotte Bobcats)

    Corey Maggette literally does not give any sort of effort with his lateral quickness and defense. He is sort of like the anti-Dwyane Wade in that aspect. It's safe to say that the Bobcats will immediately regret bringing his talents to Charlotte. In related news, Manute Bol blocked more than 25 times as many shots per 48 minutes than the worthless Corey.

     

    SF: Hedo Turkoglu, Orlando Magic

    Hedo Turkoglu is a terrible defensive player; there's really no way around it. He's not quick, he can't defend and he sure as heck cannot rebound. Sometimes, I think he's thinking about picking lilies rather than focusing on basketball. If teammate Dwight Howard's low post moves are more jaw-dropping than the first minute of a racy Katy Perry music video, then Turkoglu's are about as mind-numbing as a Betty White feature in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

     

    PF: Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

    Kevin Love is an amazing rebounder; make no mistake about it. The part he struggles with is what to do beyond crashing the boards. The 6'10" UCLA product will be taken more seriously If he improves his defense, and in doing so, he can become a legitimate starter in the All-Star Game. Since he plays for the T'Wolves (ironically, my favorite team), that's about all there is to say in regards to achievements.

     

    C: Andrea Bargnani, Toronto Raptors

    If Andrea Bargnani still plays defense, then I'm 100 percent Polish. I seriously think that any Joe off the street (how about me for that matter?) could do a better job guarding an NBA player than the former number one overall pick. That being said, Bargs would beat me soundly in a pickup game of one-on-one because I'm the Michael Jordan of bad defenders. Andrea's a close second.

     

    Sixth Man: Charlie Villanueva, PF, Detroit Pistons

The "I Should Be Coached by Mike D'Antoni and Don Nelson" All-Stars

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    PG: Mike Bibby, Miami Heat

    Mike Bibby is horrendous in both in on-ball and help defense. Just looking at the picture on the left makes me laugh because he is so terrible in his defensive efforts. Back in Minnesota, my high school friends and I had a running gag about a heinous claim someone once made about Bibby being the best player in the league. It was just so funny because it was so untrue, and his defense is a large part of this hilarity.

     

    SG: Monta Ellis, Golden State Warriors

    Ironically, Monta Ellis played for Don Nelson for five seasons. Not surprisingly, Ellis' defensive efforts did not improve that time period.

     

    SF: Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks

    If anyone ever has doubts about how bad Carmelo Anthony is on defense, they should look no further than the immaculate 82games.com. Year after year, he gives up three or more points per 100 possessions than an average teammate. The Madison Square Garden is not only the mecca of basketball arenas, but also lousy defense with 'Melo and Amar'e. Nash really isn't a solution at this point.

     

    PF: Al Jefferson, Utah Jazz

    To sit here and say that Kevin Love was considered an upgrade over Al Jefferson defensively at power forward for the Timberwolves is about as ugly as someone's face you'd see on a "Faces of Meth" website six months into addiction. Big Al is just a blob in the paint. Quite frankly, all he does is block. And suck on defense, of course.

     

    C: Amar'e Stoudemire, New York Knicks

    I know, I know. He's not technically a center, but any list about terrible defenders that omits Amar'e Stoudemire should be tried in the Supreme Court as treason. The guy is literally a no-defense stalwart. Questions regarding whether Amar'e and 'Melo could coexist in the Big Apple should be twisted into this: "Can the Knicks afford to have Amar'e and 'Melo's terrible defensive talents coexist?"

     

    Sixth Man: David Lee, Golden State Warriors

The John Paxson No-Defense on the Perimeter Player of the Year Goes To...

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    Monta Ellis!

    Ellis is, year after year, one of the worst defenders in the league. Last season was no different, as the Warriors gave up 112 points per 100 possessions when the native Mississippian was on the floor. Conversely, the team only scored 108 per 100. Now do you understand why he's not a perennial All-Star?

    One place he struggles especially is with defending penetration. If you're willing to go to the lane, he'll give up the two points with ease.

    He has solid hands, but hands don't make up for the rest of the body.

     

    Also Receiving Votes: Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns; Jonny Flynn, Minnesota Timberwolves; Mike Bibby, Miami Heat; Jamal Crawford, Atlanta Hawks; Jose Calderon, Toronto Raptors

The Kiki Vandeweghe No-Defense Small Forward Player of the Year Goes To...

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    Hedo Turkoglu!

    As if I didn't rip of the Turkish big on slide two, here he is winning the award.

    If there was an award for being the worst over a long period of time, then Turk would square off against Dirk Nowitzki and Mike Bibby in an epic battle.

    Just as Kiki before him, Hedo is worthless (like Luke Walton, but only defensively), inept, bad and any other generic negative remark when it comes to defense.

    In related news, Martell Webster wins the Least Improved Player on defense award.

     

    Also receiving votes: Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks; Martell Webster, Minnesota Timberwolves; Jason Kapono, Philadelphia 76ers

The Andrea Bargnani No-Defense Post Player of the Year Goes To...

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    Dwight Howard! (Just kidding, it's Andrea Bargnani.)

    How can a guy whose name is the award not take home the trophy?

    How can he also not when he's a seven-foot center who averages less rebounds and blocks per game than the 6'4" Dwyane Wade?

    Andrea Bargnani is God-awful on defense. There's really no explanation needed. Even hopeful Raps fans can admit that.

     

    Also receiving votes: David Lee, Golden State Warriors; Amar'e Stoudemire, New York Knicks; Carl Landry, New Orleans Hornets; Andray Blatche, Washington Wizards; Carlos Boozer, Chicago Bulls; Charlie Villanueva, Detroit Pistons

    (Writer's note: I apologize for mentioning Blatche this late in the slideshow. His terrible defense should be noted.)

And the Worst of Them All...your Host

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    This guy is downright terrible in every facet of the defensive game. He makes Andrea Bargnani look like Bill Russell.

    Follow me on Twitter @JosephFafinski.

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