Dateline, Ann Arbor, December 21, 2007: NEHLEN, RODRIGUEZ TO PROMOTE FORMER FRIENDS OF COAL BOWLFormer West Virginia football coaches Don Nehlen and Rich Rodriguez have been tabbed to promote the inaugural Former Friends of Coal Bowl, otherwise known as the University of Michigan spring scrimmage. FFCB spokesman Dan Amapit said the two were “uniquely qualified to represent this new sporting event.”
Rodriguez recently left WVU to take the head coaching position at UM, greatly upsetting residents of his coal-rich home state.
Nehlen, an Ohio native who preceded Rodriguez as head Mountaineer footballer, was warmly embraced by the Appalachian people during his two-decade tenure, which led to a two-year stint as spokesman of the Friends of Coal Bowl, as the WVU-Marshall rivalry game was known.
Once Rodriguez abruptly abandoned his native post to fill the vacancy in Ann Arbor and Nehlen shocked his adopted home and spurned his neighbors to publicly support his protégé, the two immediately became ineligible for association with the FOCB.
In stepped corporate sponsors Samsonite and Hallmark to reunite the pair in promotion of the annual Maize and Blue tussle.
“Nothing shows the need for a good set of Samsonite luggage like sneaking away in the dark of night, one step ahead of betrayed and vengeful neighbors,” said Samsonite Vice President Dick Turnkey. “Rich Rodriguez obviously is a natural fit for our company.”
Hallmark in turn was looking to promote its new line of whimsical “Screw You!” gag cards featuring tag lines such as “Sorry I let you down, loser,” “Bet you thought I was your friend, huh?” and “Psych!”
Hallmark representative Fred Pagemore said Nehlen proved himself worthy of the spokesmanship when he stunned the wholesome West Virginia righteous by proclaiming their inferiority to Michigan in news articles and sports broadcasts.
“When I saw him dissing the people who had just named a street after him, I thought, as he would put it, ‘Holy jumping catfish, that’s our man!’”
Nehlen, Rodriguez, and ex-WVU men’s basketball coach John Beilein all agreed that nothing helps you to appreciate a community and its people like fleeing the state knowing you can never set foot there again.
And the trio may have more company soon. Michigan Athletic Director Dick Martin explained with enthusiasm, “We couldn’t be more thrilled to have these ex-West Virginians representing our University, and by the time I’m done our next round of coach hiring, there will be a lot more Former Friends of Coal up here, too.”
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