The 90 minutes preceding Sunday football action can be an exercise in finding the mute button. (1)
Many a broadcaster aren't worth their weight in 30-second attention spans -- in large part because they can't hold them.
They try, rambling in circles and talking in cliches (2), all too often mistaking playing careers for justifications for being totally unprepared and expecting to cheese the pants off of audience like they're their old grade school teachers.
Warren Sapp, you're not a 10-year-old manchild anymore. It just doesn't work. (3)
But there are some worth watching, an exclusive bunch we're paying homage to.
I'd at first punched in "NFL Pregame Shows You'd Rather Watch than Put Out an Eye (Really, There's Only a Few)" as the heading for this slideshow, but I'm pretty sure that ignored every fundamental tenet of search engine optimization.
And if you can't find it, you can't read it, and shower me with compliments about being the wittiest and most fundamentally accurate dude ever.
Instead, we have a substantially more SEO-friendly (though bland and less comically) "Power Ranking the Top NFL Pregame Shows on Network TV 2011."
Hope you enjoy.
(1) Hey, some controllers are tricky like that. And then there's the perilous disconnect between TV and cable remotes, which sometimes need to be synched. (3) Near tragedy.
(2) Since I already missed the opportunity to rank the "Top 5 draft cliches that render Mike Mayock unwatchable," maybe I should get cracking on the "Top 5 most awesomely bad analyst cliches." Pretty sure "when you look at" and "to a man" and "here's a guy who" have already clinched spots.
(3) While I don't particularly like Sapp's approach, and believe that he wrongly pegs his playing career to credibility that you have to earn, I actually have no idea how the guy preps. Really. That was just a joke. I'm sure he works very hard at what he does, even though it's not on the NFL Network's pregame shows and if the finished product is that horrendous.
(5) Happens when you have Verizon FiOS in every room of the house, and housemates who double as game freaks, and consequently triple as AA battery stealers when they're overcome by the "game freak itch" and frustration with their depleted Xbox controllers.
Stripped of batteries so your junkie gamer housemates can get their fix, only one flipper is left functional. So multiple remotes are often brought into the living room solely to channel surf, thus rendering them indecipherable from one another, and forcing this guy (thumbs pointed at self) to Google how to program a remote to be able to power a given TV on/off and change volume.
Lesson learned: Damn you, Call of Duty. (6)
(6) For those of you mulling moving into off-campus college housing, this is what you have to look forward to. (7)
(7) I'm just kidding. It actually ranks among the Top 5 boss experiences of all time, second to an armful B/R-unfriendly allusions I don't care to get fired for making.