Has King Kenny Dalglish Assembled the Worst Midfield Ever at Liverpool?

William Gish@wgishAnalyst IAugust 9, 2011

Has King Kenny Dalglish Assembled the Worst Midfield Ever at Liverpool?

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    Liverpool legend Kenny Dalglish returned to Anfied in January of 2011 to save the Reds’ floundering season.

    During that transfer window, he brought in world-class talent in the form of Andy Carroll and Luis Suarez. For the rest of the season, Dalglish made the best of his players and his situation, taking the team from 12th place to 6th.

    Unfortunately, for Reds fans the world over, King Kenny did little to strengthen the squad over the summer. Despite his abject midfield, he barely managed to add new talent to it.

    While teams like Wolves, Wigan and Swansea City boast top midfield talent like Jamie O’Hara, Ben Watson and Nathan Dyer, Liverpool has a mere eight world-class midfielders.

    Of those eight, only Joe Cole is capable of playing amongst the best of the best. The rest of the rabble resembles a hoard of staggering drunks kicking about stones at your uncle’s funeral, the ones you know you’re related to but you’re not sure how, though you are sure that at least two of them spent time in prison.

    Here is Liverpool’s rouges gallery of talentless midfielders, King Kenny’s high court of eight foolish jesters, the worst of old Liverpool and new Liverpool.

Jordan Henderson

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    Though the Liverpool PR machine vehemently denies this fact, the world knows it to be true. From his troglodyte countenance to his sheer physical clumsiness and ineptitude, Jordan Henderson proves it: he is the son of Harry, of the Hendersons.

    At 21 years of age, Henderson clearly sailed passed his ideal sell-by date years ago. What’s more, he’s gotten better with each subsequent season, a clear indicator of his eminent fall from grace. Any fool can post five assists at the age of 20.

    At Sunderland, the young Englishman showed class and creativity, both sure signs of ineptitude. What’s more, he is not Jack Wilshere. Surely he is terrible.

Maxi Rodriguez

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    Liverpool fans point to Argentine midfielder Maxi Rodriguez’s 45 international caps and 11 international goals as proof of his superlative skills.

    But in truth, they let anyone on that team. Ask Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Gonzalo Higuaín, Sergio Aguero, Javier Mascherano and that psychotic dwarf Diego Maradona.

    If that doesn’t attest fully enough to Rodriguez’s complete uselessness as a player, look at the fact that between April 23rd and May 9th of 2011, the diminutive lump of lard only managed seven goals. What’s more, he only had one brace over the summer.

    What a piece of crap.

Raul Meireles

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    Portuguese international Raul Meireles has so many tattoos on his arms that no seems to have noticed how horrible he is at football.

    Apparently winning four Portuguese titles with FC Porto entitles Meireles to some bragging rights. Similarly, Mike Tyson is undefeated in flyweight amateur women’s youth league boxing. Do you see where this is headed?

    So Meireles beat up on some hopeless amateurs, then made his way to Liverpool thanks to sad sack Roy Hodgson. Since arriving, Meireles managed a pathetic five goals and six assists in league play.

    The Liverpool midfielder won some moronic award called 2011 PFA Fans' Player of the Year and provided some stupid thing called essential energy and movement to the Reds’ offense.

    Sure sure, ok. If you beleive that, I've got some water front property in Idaho I can sell you.

Stewart Downing

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    Stewart Downing is such a deplorable footballer that Alex McLeish doesn’t want him.

    To put this in perspective, McLeish coached Birmingham in its successful demotion campaign last season, proving himself one of the top managers in the country in the process. Hell, Downing might even be worse than Ashley Young, another marginal entity McLeish unloaded.

    Let’s put it in statistical terms: in his zero games thus far for Liverpool, Downing has contributed zero goals and zero assists. His transfer fee proved so minuscule he prohibited publication of it, fearing the British press would spin various awful puns from his misfortune.

    Downing’s preferred role is on the left wing, soccer's equivalent of baseball’s right field, the position you don’t really need any talent to play. On the left wing, Downing joins such idiots as Gareth Bale, David Silva, Ajern Robben, Nani, Cristiano Ronaldo and Ryan Giggs.

Charlie Adam

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    Rumor has it Charlie Adam spent his most recent vacation riding around the highlands on a horse with a bottle of moonshine and a sack filled with black pudding, signing songs about the lady of the Loch.

    A native of Dundee, Scotland, Adam managed a paltry twelve goals and nine assists with Blackpool last season.

    Liverpool fans applaud Adam for his creativity, spirit, aggression and prowess on set pieces. Apparently, Scottish people do the same, but no one south of Newcastle has any idea what they’re saying.

    Some go so far as to say that Adam was one of the top central midfielders in the league last season, even outperforming Scott Parker. People also say that Flipper is smarter than Lassie.

    To employ a literary analogy, the obliterating darkness lurking at the heart of Shakespeare’s Scottish play pales in comparison to the tragedy that unfolds when this Scotsman takes the pitch.

Dirk Kuyt

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    With 13 league goals and 15 across all competitions, Dutchman Dirk Kuyt was Liverpool’s leading scorer for the 2010-11 season.

    To paraphrase Chris Martin, calling something fastest Coldplay song is like calling something the warmest piece of ice.

    Some called Kuyt’s season-saving performances in the spring of 2011 explosive. But this adjective only really applies to Kuyt’s play in the same way that it does to diarrhea: messy, disgusting, unfathomable, putrid and, ultimately, vomit inducing.

    In his home country, Kuyt is known for his down-to-earth persona and dedication to charity work. Here’s hoping he deems the footballing world worthy of charity and hangs up his boots.

Steven Gerrard

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    Oh boy. Talk about a catastrophe.

    Steven Gerrard is arguably the least talented player of the worst generation of English football in the post war years, perhaps even worse than fellow England international and Chelsea mid Fat Lumpolard.

    So terrible is Gerrard that the Queen made him a member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, a special title reserved for the most detested British citizens and Chinese martial arts stars. Other members of this organization include Kenny Dalglish (figures), and Jackie Chan.

    Nothing speaks to Gerrard’s complete lack of talent more than his record: a mere 10 team trophies or titles, a lowly 31 personal honors and an absolutely shambolic total of 12 nominations split between the Ballon d'Or and the FIFA World Player of the Year.

    If that’s not bad enough, Gerrard leads a deplorable personal life, going so far as to present a pair of boots signed by Wayne Rooney to an injured boy and signing autographs for children in the hospital.