As far as I know, my friend Jason has never lost a fight.
He’s lost a testicle. And a tooth or two. Broken a few arms and been knocked senseless, but he always managed to win.
He was 135 lbs. and smoked Marlboro reds and routinely won fights against guys twice his size. Unfortunately for Jason, all of his fighting took place before the UFC, which means he didn’t get paid and often ended up in jail.
The point of the Jason anecdote is that fights are unpredictable. If you saw this red-bearded dwarf you’d think nothing of him, which is why so many light heavyweights and heavyweights fell to this bantamweight while we all stood there amazed.
The fights in the UFC aren’t much different from Jason’s streetfights, anything can and always does happen. Picking the winners is as easy and impossible as choosing the side of a coin, so I will make predictions that have nothing to do with the winners.
Johny Hendricks vs. Mike Pierce
I don’t know these guys but I never bet against a beard. My prediction is that Hendricks' beard will in some way determine the outcome of this one but not necessarily in his favor.
Alexander Gustafsson vs. Matt Hamill
Hamill always looks like a smug caveman to me, like he is thinking, “Hey, look at me, I’m Matt Hamill. Now I will smash you because you are weak.”
If Hamill fights like he did last time he is going to get smoked by this Swedish dude Gustafsson, who is no joke. You don’t want to mess with a guy whose ears are that jacked. You just don’t.
My prediction is that Hamill’s after fight interview will make the crowd uncomfortable.
Rory MacDonald vs. Mike Pyle
My prediction is that Mike Pyle will not score a knockout. I see by his stats that he hasn’t had one since 2006.
I’ve had a knockout since then. Of course, it was when I stood up too fast while drunk, fainted and hit my head on the toilet.
If Pyle can get Rory MacDonald drunk, then make him stand up really fast, then fall down and hit his head while he is taking a piss then all bets are off.
Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Vitor Belfort
I wish there were more Japanese fighters and I wish they all looked like Chong Li from “Bloodsport.”
I also wish there were more crazy Asian gamblers in the audience of the UFC frantically waving betting slips while sitting next to undercover journalists disguised as prostitutes.
My prediction is that none of these wishes will come true. Where are you Bolo Yeung?
Rashad Evans vs. Tito Ortiz
This is an interesting fight for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is both of these men wear shorts that make me wonder whether or not I am watching man-on-man porn.
Enough with these spandex shorts already. I don’t need to see all of that.
My prediction is that there will be a moment in this fight when I feel uncomfortable, especially with words like “Bad Boy” and “Mount,” being thrown around.
I don’t need to question my sexuality during a sporting event. Ban those lycra nuthuggers already.
Upset of the night
My gut tells me Tito is on a roll and to go with him. Of course, my gut also tells me to eat Thai curry at 3 a.m., so what does it know?