Welcome to the preeminent slideshow for determining the viability of beautiful women as athletes.
The qualifications for making this list?
A) Celebrity.
B) Some semblance of athletic ability, as proven on every slide via an attached picture.
The lucky 50 are ranked in order of beauty (admittedly subjective), and categorized in three distinct sub-sections:
THE WILY VETS
THOSE ON THE ROOKIE SCALE
THOSE IN THEIR PRIME
So as not to come off as sexist, I’ve included a picture of me in my high school basketball days.
Let’s begin.
The Wily Vets
Just FYI, the “Wily Vets” thing isn’t all about age. Some of my favorites entries are under the WV designation.
I truly believe that women, like a fine wine…are capable of rendering me unable to form a sentence.
50.) Tea Leoni, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Tea Leoni playing golf.
If you’ve read any of my other “sexy slideshows,” you’ll know that I often like to take an opportunity or two over the course of the slides to pitch myself to certain entrants as, potentially, a very suitable and amiable lover.
Tea Leoni, come on down.
Off and on and off again with notorious sexaholic Fox Mulder, I think I have what she might be looking for: literally no sexual experience at all.
How better to reestablish the trust in a relationship than to start one with a guy who couldn’t find his way around another woman with an intricately detailed roadmap of said other woman (the roadmap in this hypothetical being, in all likelihood, drawn by David Duchovny)?
Eat your heart out, Leoni. Eat your heart out.
49.) Kathy Ireland, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Kathy on the 18th hole. Literally.
As a child, “Kathy Ireland” was one of the preeminent female names I mentally associated with the word “unattainable,” just behind every girl I went to school with.
I was a miserable boy.
And again, groomed for Tea Leoni.
47.) Heather Locklear, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Heather Locklear has awful taste in golf pants.
On the other hand (re: the "Evidence"), Jack Nicklaus* used to advocate showing a little belly, and Heather seems to have taken that to heart.
(*In no way did Jack Nicklaus advocate showing a little belly…)
46.) Shannon Elizabeth, Football
Evidence of Athleticism: Flag Football.
Hard to believe she’s now more “Wily Vet” than Ukrainian exchange student, but it is point of fact that SE has been around for a while; the first American Pie came out in 1999!
(Note to Tea Leoni: Think Jim.)
45.) Gabrielle Union, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Teeing off.
When GU is not being inappropriate with Dwayne Wade (they’re hugging in front of kids now? F’n hippies.), she likes to take a stroll around the golfing greens. (And/or the putt-putt.)
44.) Mariah Carey, Baseball
Evidence of Athleticism: Throwing out the first pitch.
I don’t know enough about Mariah Carey to make too much fun of this picture, but I will say this…I feel like her throw is defying the laws of physics. That, and I think she underestimated her jacket size.
43.) Gwen Stefani, Swimming
Evidence of Athleticism: High-School Swimming photo.
What would you call Gwen Stefani if she were Jewish?
A challah-back girl.
#thesearethethingsIsaytogirlsinbars
42.) Sheryl Crow, Track
Evidence of Athleticism: High-School Track.
Track; or as Sheryl Crow now calls it, the sport that’s better than stupid, stupid cycling.
#bitterbutnotentirelywrong
41.) Eva Longoria, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Eva with club.
Side note: That club she’s holding? It’s called the “Nike: Nordegren.”
40.) Anna Kournikova, Tennis
39.) Jennifer Aniston, Surfing
Evidence of Athleticism: Surfing. Kind of.
I think she learned how to surf from the Winklevoss twins.
38.) Erin Andrews, Baseball
Evidence of Athleticism: Pictured.
In the attached picture, Erin Andrews is either at a celebrity baseball game or on the other side of the peephole.
37.) Cameron Diaz, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: CD exhibiting stellar form.
Re: the attached picture, there’s a 99% chance that club's going farther then the ball did.
36.) Elle Macpherson, Surfing
Evidence of Athleticism: Surfing.
Interesting tidbit: Elle’s siblings are named Emme, Enne, and Oah.
35.) Ime Sastre, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Golf Magazine.
This woman so totally won me over, that not only did I include her over several other exceedingly well-qualified contestants, I also called her publicist’s office in a misguided attempt to ask her out over the phone.
Turns out, her publicist was both her husband and not particularly into the idea.
I’m assuming for P/R reasons.
34.) Nicole Kidman, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Out on the Course.
Okay, we’re classing up the slideshow a bit now. First Ime, and now Nicole, who is perhaps the most regal woman in Hollywood.
Can I keep this going?
33.) Catherine Zeta Jones, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: I’m serious. Women love golf.
Uh, yeah! I think I just did.
Take a look at the attached picture. Her eyes tell you that she’s lining up a putt, but her right hand tells you that she’s cheating.
Okay, can we stay classy for one more slide?!?!
32.) Jenna Jameson, MMA
No. No, we can’t.
Pictured here is Jenna Jameson’s tongue in an MMA match with Tito Ortiz’s mouth.
31.) Heather Graham, Poker
Evidence of Athleticism: Playing Poker.
And so we enter the part of the program where I try to convince you that poker’s a sport.
The way I see it, pokers’s got two major things going for it:
- It airs on ESPN.
- Your acceptance of this premise allows me to put Heather Graham in this slideshow.
Convinced?
28.) Tiny Fey, Tennis
Evidence of Athleticism: High School Tennis.
I’m a sucker for a girl with wit…and I’m pretty sure if Tina Fey saw this list she’d eviscerate me with hers.
Those on the Rookie Scale
Okay, we now jump to the other side of the fence, those new (or in my mind, “new”) to the Hollywood lifestyle, those still in the infancy of their careers.
There are a few borderline entries here (i.e. Avril Lavigne), but for the most part, I wasn’t prepared to say that anyone listed below is in their “prime.”
27.) Jordin Sparks, Baseball
Evidence of Athleticism: Power Hitter.
The winner of the sixth season of American Idol is not quite a known entity to me, but she is to many.
Jordin Sparks is now 21 and riding a relatively successful career, which I’m sure will enjoy a bump from her list accreditation.
26.) Selena Gomez, Skateboarding
Evidence of Athleticism: Lord of Dogtown.
She’s young and she’s cute…but she may be untouchable. To get to Selena, you’ll have to fight off Justin Bieber and his army of 13-year-old girls. Plus, Bieber’s hard now (have you seen the tats?).
Best to just leave this one alone.
(ps- Watch this video—it made me a Selena Gomez fan.)
25.) Brenda Song, Karate
Evidence of Athleticism: Hiyah!
My mom always says that one day I’ll marry an Asian girl, and I suspect it’s because she's unconfident in my ability to defend myself.
Enter Brenda Song, the future Mrs. Braun.
24.) Lauren Conrad, Surfing
23.) Kristin Cavallari, Volleyball
Evidence of Athleticism: Beach Volleyball.
In the wake of the Jay Cutler fiasco (if you didn’t hear, he broke off his wedding because of a knee injury), I figured it appropriate to give Kristin the nod over her arch-nemesis turned semi-improbable best-selling author, LC.
(If there’s one thing I thought while watching the original season of the OC, it was that I’m looking at a best-selling author and the sympathetic figure in a wedding gone awry.
Oh life…)
22.) AnnaLynne McCord, Volleyball
Evidence of Athleticism: Again, Beach Volleyball.
For the first time in my life, I’m on the grey end of the generation gap.
Prior to writing this slideshow, I had no idea who AnnaLynne McCord was.
Now, I could pick her out of a lineup provided she was wearing a bikini. That’s progress.
21.) Kate Upton, Baseball
Evidence of Athleticism: Showing a better arm than Mariah Carey.
Okay, I’m making my second pitch. (Sorry Tea.)
Kate Upton, as a 5-10 woman who works in the professional modeling industry, I’m guessing you’re looking for a man who’s both taller than you but chooses not to define his self-worth via his appearance.
Well, you’re looking at him. (Or at the very least reading something he wrote.)
I’m 6-0 tall, I put minimal value on my appearance (partially because I only have so much of that particular currency in reserve), and that whole thing I was typing earlier to Tea Leoni about having literally zero sexual experience? Totally not true.
I’m like Don Juan. And though I’m most probably referencing Don Juan at the time when he was both too shy to talk to girls and stealing adult magazines from the shoebox hidden in his father’s closet, it still counts.
20.) Avril Lavigne, Ice Hockey
Evidence of Athleticism: Hockey History.
Because Canadians are known primarily as two things: Hockey players and brooding malcontents.
19.) Emma Roberts, Basketball
Evidence of Athleticism: Ballin’.
We’re delving further into the sea of young Hollywood that I know about as well as the front of my hand (provided that’s somehow indicative of the inverse of the analogy “back of my hand,” rather than the actual front of my hand, which I know quite well.), but let’s see how I can do…
Emma is Julia’s niece, is pretty cute, and was cast in a basketball movie starring Sam Rockwell.
(And so ends my initial reading of gossipteen.com)
18.) Lily Collins, Volleyball
17.) Amanda Seyfried, Basketball
Evidence of Athleticism: She can go left!
I actually have a little thing for Amanda Seyfried (I like big eyes, and that’s totally not a euphemism), but I feel like I already used up some of my good will by asking out Kate Upton and Tea Leoni in relatively close succession.
Consider this me putting out a feeler (again, not a euphemism), and I’ll get back to her later.
16.) Jennifer Lawrence, Weight Lifting
Evidence of Athleticism: It’s really small.
Oy, I really shouldn’t be writing these lists…I like Jennifer Lawrence too. (In fact, the later I type into the night, the more likely it’s seeming that a slide enters up me pining after beautiful women.)
Here, you’re looking at the penultimate “rookie scale” girl—a surefire actress to reach her prime.
Speaking of which…
Those in Their Prime
In no way do I want to objectify women with these slideshows.
Thus, for our final category, I’ve chosen a designation (“prime”) typically used to signify physical condition, age, and/or quality of beef.
15.) Evangeline Lilly, Golf
14.) Kendra Wilkinson, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Sporting Traditional Golf Attire.
I suppose Kendra’s not a newbie anymore.
Rather, she’s proof that the gentleman’s game has something in common with the gentlemen’s club.
13.) Paris Hilton, Basketball
Evidence of Athleticism: Intensely focused.
As I said way back in the intro slide, my goal was to find an action shot for every entry included.
I submit the attached picture for consideration with the following thought:
I’m pretty sure that’s as close as Paris Hilton will ever get to playing basketball.
12.) Hilary Rhoda, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: In the Golfing Cage.
I’ve spent the last 20 minutes looking up the last names of athletes so as to put together a hypothetical in which Hillary Rhoda marries a man with a last name representative of some type of vehicle.
I am 6-years-old.
11.) Kirsten Dunst, Surfing
Evidence of Athleticism: Surfing/Dancing.
Re: the attached picture, Kirsten Dunst gets the award for being the celebrity most enthused with her athletic prowess.
10.) Kate Bosworth, Surfing
Evidence of Athleticism: Blue Crushing.
This is Kate Bosworth in her prime, and I will admit unabashedly that I went to see Blue Crush by myself as a teenager.
It wasn’t a high point, but it definitely happened.
9.) Kelis, Surfing
Evidence of Athleticism: Surfing/Looking Massively Surprised She’s Surfing.
No. 9 has had a significant effect on my life.
Twice in 2003 I made a girlfriend leave me via a propensity for singing the Kelis hit “Milkshake,” while providing what I thought at the time to be suitable visuals accordant with the song.
I now realize that I was wrong, and that a man should never shimmy his butt.
8.) Maria Menounos, Volleyball
6.) Jessica Biel, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Nicely Dressed.
Here she is doing her best impression of Michael Pitt in Funny Games.
5.) Jessica Alba, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Golfing.
Can you find Waldo in the above picture?
4.) Zoe Saldana, Skiing
Evidence of Athleticism: Skiing.
Before typing this slideshow, I actually didn’t know that she wasn’t blue.
2.) Marisa Miller, Flag Football
Evidence of Athleticism: Punt Return.
Where are these flag football games happening and how many people intentionally miss her flag? Also, how long does the latter behavior have to go on before Marissa Miller starts thinking she’s DeSean Jackson?
1.) Charlize Theron, Golf
Evidence of Athleticism: Golfing.
And we’ve reached number one.
Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and like so many on this list, apparently a fan of golf.
Also of note? She’s currently dating a guy named Ryan.
You’re halfway home, Charlize. You’re halfway home.
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