Traumatized Dallas Cowboys to Begin Therapy

Aaron LiebmanAnalyst INovember 5, 2008

Following Sunday’s slaughter at the hands of the New York Giants, Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones has decided to use the upcoming bye week to put his team in counseling to recover from the game. 

Jones has said that his team is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the same condition so many American soldiers suffered from following their tours of duty in Vietnam.  But apparently even the Vietcong weren’t able to do as much damage as the Giants’ pass rush. 

Quarterback Brad Johnson has said he’s been having nightmares about Justin Tuck.  And it turns out he wasn’t even sleeping when he had them.  As he stood on the sidelines on Sunday, benched, he had recurring visions of Tuck throwing him to the turf.  The images got so graphic to the point where whenever a water boy would try to give Johnson a drink, he would simply fall to the ground in anticipation of another sack.

Johnson’s replacement, Brooks Bollinger, didn’t fair much better.  After the game it was discovered Mathias Kiwanuka had more D.N.A. on his body than O.J. had on the gloves. 

Even Tony Romo, who didn’t even play in the game, was heard to say, “Better you than me.”  It’s finally been discovered that the idea of playing the Giants’ defense festered inside Romo’s mind so much that it convinced him that he had an injury.  Since Romo is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, the best he could come up with was a bruised pinky.

But no matter how frightened his players are, they don’t hold a candle to their coach, Wade Phillips.  But his fear is mostly of the want ads.  He knows it’s a bad market right now, and a coach who’s been fired three times (four if you count when he was an interim with Atlanta) won’t really attract much job offers. 

Another member that has sought therapy that might surprise is running back Marion Barber.  Although having put up good numbers the whole season, he has confessed that owner Jerry Jones has forced Barber to grow his dreadlocks out under his helmet to the point where he would remind opponents of the “Predator” and hopefully cause intimidation.

It seems the only member of the Dallas Cowboys unaffected is offensive coordinator Jason Garrett, who’s measuring how to fit his things in the head coach’s office.  Although no sources will confirm it officially, some players have said that Garrett encouraged Romo to take some time off and even told the replacement quarterbacks ghost stories around the campfire about the New York Giants defense to affect their performance so that Garrett will usurp Phillips. 

However, that plan was then debunked when Garrett realized that the Cowboys weren’t losing just to get him as head coach, but just sucked in general.