Week 10 at Valley Ranch

David PuccioContributor INovember 5, 2008

The Dallas Cowboys have been in a slump that is not only occurring on the field but also in the medical ward.  They have lost three of their last four games while losing Tony Romo, Jason Witten, Roy Williams, Anthony Henry, Terrance Newman, Felix Jones, and others to injury.

So, can they win this weekend?

I have dissected the match-ups this weekend and have come to the conclusion that they will in fact… not lose.   How did I come to this conclusion?  Easy, I sent a spy to the practice facility to get the lowdown.   Oh, and they also are not playing which means that they probably won’t win either.

When my spy reached the practice facility Tuesday the only person there was Jerry Jones.  Jones was walking around the facility mumbling something about D’Angelo Hall co-existing with Bill Cowher.  Huh?  I don’t know what that means; maybe Cowher is coming out of retirement to coach the Raiders.

So anyway, my spy snuck into the locker room only to find a practice schedule which shows Monday, Tuesday, and Friday as off days this week.  Not a good sign, how can they expect to win if they don’t practice? 

Since the place was empty my spy decided to take the rest of the day off, he said something about having a Coke, getting a girl and finding the White House.  He said he may be able to score some interviews with some former players like Nate Newton and Michael Irvin.  I’m not sure what Newton and Irvin have to do with watching the presidential election results but whatever, I’ll take them.

On Wednesday morning my spy was back at the practice field this time with players there. 

He was able to get an interview with Terrell Owens, who is limiting his media time, and could only get one phrase from him.  “I love me some me.”  Ooh, that is good sign, he must be happy.   Romo is coming!  Romo is coming! 

I will assume that Romo is on his way back because he and Owens are still in the honeymoon phase.  We haven’t gotten to the “I wasn't the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl" point (perhaps because they have not won a playoff game yet) or he’s gay point (probably only due to a certain Miss Simpson hanging around practice).

Romo wasn’t practicing Wednesday but my spy overheard a phone conversation where he was complaining about spending all of his off days at Ashlee and Pete’s.

No sign of Pacman, errr… Adam

Roy Williams and Roy Williams seemed to be having a good time.  Roy Williams was talking to the NFL Network pretending to be Roy Williams while Roy Williams was talking to the Dallas Morning News pretending to be Roy Williams.

Apparently Flozell Adams was whistled for a false start on the way to the bathroom.  He seems get called at the worst possible times.

Brooks Bollinger and Brad Johnson held a longball competition.  Bollinger won throwing a ball 32 yards, Johnsons long ball was 16 yards.  Kicker Nick Folk, also in the competition, threw a ball 29 yards and will be challenging Bollinger for the backup job.

Not sure what the spy was thinking here but he sat down with Wade Phillips and figured out that if you take each injured players injury and combine them they have one super player out. (?)

Pacman Jones – Head problems

Patrick Watkins – Neck

Terrance Newman – Abdomen

Jason Witten – Ribs

Tony Romo – Finger

Anthony Henry – Thigh

Felix Jones/Anthony Spencer – Hamstring

Kyle Kosier – Foot

Yeah, this one doesn’t work for me.  The super player is missing two arms and a foot; I don’t think he is really a super player. 

Demarcus Ware said he would sack the no armed super player if necessary in order to keep his sack streak alive.  Somebody should tell him that the streak doesn’t get broken if he doesn’t play.

Greg Ellis was overheard plotting a plan to win his second comeback player of the year award next year.  Apparently since he will not make the Hall of Fame with his average career he has decided to suck every other year and try to get in with three to four comeback player of the year awards.  You never know, it hasn’t been tried before.

Bobby Carpenter has asked that he now be called Rob Carpenter.   Hmmm, I don’t remember Rob being that good either.


That’s it from the spy, he didn’t really get me the information that I was looking for. He mentioned something about heading to Minnesota to go on a boat ride with some players.  Again, I’m not sure what that means.