Is there anything more satisfying than a movie makeover montage?
The men’s-mag- makeover is what transitions many female athletes from 'real world hot’ to ‘dream on loser’.
They trade in their unitards, skates, rackets and tracksuits for barely-legal thongs and air-brushed flawlessness. Mens magazines are the Easy Bake Ovens of the male fantasy. Pop in an overwrought female athlete and she emerges as a smokin hot tart.
Jennie Finch is an honorable mention because she looks hotter playing softball than a lot of girls look at their proms, so don’t freak out.
The Girl: Finch is a retired softball player who pitched for the USA national softball team. She competed in two Olympics and won gold in Athens 2004 and silver in Beijing 2008.
The Look: Platinum blonde who looks almost as good without a stitch of makeup as she does at a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
The Look: Platinum blonde who looks almost as good without a stitch of makeup as she does at a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Sexy Fact: Finch looks predictably gorgeous in her gold lamé bikini. "Hey, guyz, help me pull on this rope!"
Groups of three do not qualify for the list, so don’t freak out.
The Girl(s): All three are wholesome professional soccer players who played for the German’s in the 2011 World Cup.
The Look(s): Soccer Playery. Stoic. Utilitarian. So, soccer; so European.
The Looks(s): Just a few girls unwinding in the locker room after a particularly tough day of practice in the unclad look you’ve come to expect from elite German athletes.
Sexy Fact(s): See Photo. It's a porn movie; dream on, guys. I'm kidding.
The Girl: Amy Acuff is a former track and field Olympian from the United States who competed in the 1996, 2000, 2004 and 2008 games; she never medaled. Acuff announced her retirement in 2010 and today she is working as a licensed acupuncturist in Austin, Texas.
The Look: The teeny frame of a woman who has to continually hurl herself 6 feet into the air.
The Look: Laaaady in red.
Sexy Facts: Acuff is a graduate of the UCLA hot-girl assembly line, which speaks for itself. She’s also been featured in every men’s magazine from Esquire to FHM in various states of undress; her most notable appearance was the 2004 cover of Playboy’s, “The Women of the Olympics” issue.
The Girl: Haley Cope is a retired swimmer who won silver for the United State at the 2004 Summer Olympics. During her career she won eight world championship medals and broke a world record. Cope has since retired and now operates a swimming school in Chico, California.
The Look: Wholesomely awww shucks.
The Look: Sultry swim teacher who seems to have forgotten her top; with an ass like a cherry bomb.
Sexy Facts: She married her former coach which is kind of naughty. Plus she appeared in FHM, clearly, as well as Playboy’s, “The Women of the Olympics” issue in 2004.
I've been told this is a PG-13 site, so if you want to go track down those easily tracked down photos, you are completely on your own.
The Girl: Allyson Felix is an American sprinter who competed in the last two summer games. In 2004 she won silver in Athens and in 2008 she won silver and gold in Beijing; in between she won championships all over the world.
The Look: The hard body and the intense stare of someone who would kick your butt at anything besides a nacho eating contest.
The Girl: Natalie Coughlin is an American swimmer who has medaled in so many international competitions that it just seems like bragging at this point. Seriously, it’s kind of irritating.
The Look: The guns say, "I’m serious." The face says, "But not too serious."
The Look(s): She proves that a bikini is just her natural state of being and that she makes evening wear look appropriate poolside.
Sexy Fact: She enjoys some of life’s sexiest hobbies: surfing, photography and just hanging out in a bikini.
The Look: Prairie girl turned sophisticated stunner who is eyeing a post-soccer career in fashion. Judging by the pics on her Facebook fan page, she’s got a shot.
Sexy Fact: Try as I might, I could not find a single sexy fact about the frustratingly wholesome Ms. Kaylyn Kyle. This picture is the best I could do.
The Girl: Logan Tom is a three time American Olympian in both indoor and beach volleyball who won silver at the Beijing games in 2008. Tom, a Stanford graduate who spent her childhood summers in Hawaii learning to surf, now plays professional volleyball for Fenerbahçe Acıbadem in Istanbul, Turkey.
The Look: Patriotic roadkill.
The Look: Sexy Tom boy (hehe) with a killer caboose who may, or may not, enjoy slapping you around.
Sexy Fact: She and the oft-naked Amanda Beard graced the cover of FHM magazine in 2004. The issue featured a “Sexy Olympic Special”, which delivered a sexy Olympic pictorial that involved balls, nets, bikinis and Tom’s signature steely gaze.
The Girl: Elena Dementieva is a retired Russian tennis player who won the singles gold medal at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing and the singles silver medal at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney. In July 2011 Dementieva married Maxim Afinogenov, a Russian professional hockey player, and the pair split time between their homes in Moscow, Monaco and Boca Raton.
The Look: Befuddled beauty who proves that wrist sweatbands aren’t just for old men and 80’s movie nerds who suck at sports.
The Girl: Auburn graduate Nicole Hage is a golfer on the LPGA tour. She qualified for the tour on her first try in 2007 with a 34th place finish in the qualifying tournament and has yet to place higher than 20th; raising some serious questions about the quality of play on the LPGA tour.
The Look: Standard issue golf uniform complete with sponsor hat.
The Look: A hot woman in a hot Lexus wearing a hot mini dress. You can see her on the car and near the car in the full photo gallery on her Facebook page.
Sexy Fact: She gets modeling tips from recently retired Anna Rawson, golf’s premiere goddess; presumably at underwear-only sleepovers where they giggle and practice posing in the mirror in between pillow fights.
The Girl: Sarah Burke is a Canadian freestyle skier who has won gold in four of the last five X Games. In 2007 Burke won an ESPY for Best Female Action Sports Athlete.
The Look: Wholesome outdoorsy blonde who may be sitting on a surfboard.
The Girl: Pennsylvania native Allison Baver is an America speed skater who won bronze at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics.
The Look: Rocking head-to-toe black spandex is something that the vast majority of the population could not pull off, but Baver rocks it.
The Look: Pennsylvania native Allison Baver is an America speed skater who won bronze at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics.
Sexy Fact: Baver is the girlfriend of NBA All-Star Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic and her hobbies include: sexy ice baths, posing in her underwear and holding up her shirt-Situation-style-to show her abs.
The Girl: Vera Zvonareva is a Russian tennis player who is currently ranked number three in the world by the Women’s Tennis Association (WTA). She’s been playing professionally for 11 years, and over her career has won 11 WTA singles titles and a bronze medal at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.
The Look: Sporting the exact same look as the countless other indistinguishable eastern European blondes sent to conquer the world.
The Look: Sexy siren who looks more like a movie star than a professional athlete.
Sexy Fact: There is next to nothing written about Zvonareva that involves anything except tennis, so her good looks and willingness to strike a seductive pose on a couch will have to do.
The Look: In a sexy makeover photo shoot, there is no sexy lingerie or bikini that trumps straight-up nudity.
Sexy Fact: Franco is passionately dedicated to bringing equality to women’s soccer and believes the best way to achieve this is to pose naked with her teammates. I know that I've found there's no problem in my life that can't be solved by posing naked with my girlfriends.
The Girl: Former professional boxer Laila Ali is the daughter of boxing legend Muhammed Ali. Since her retirement, Ali has appeared on ABC’S Dancing with the Stars, hosted NBC’S revival of American Gladiators and is currently a contributing reporter on CBS’s The Early Show.
The Look: 'Grade A Badass' who is prepared to hit you in the face if you accuse her of dodging legitimate fights to pad her undefeated record.
The Look: Float like a butterfly, sting like a smoking hot bee. You can’t hit what your eyes do see.
Sexy Fact: Ali has a wild side and has spent some time in jail- maybe that’s where she got her start in boxing.
The Girl: Dominika Cibulková is a professional tennis player from Slovakia who is currently ranked 20th in the world by the WTA. Most recently she competed in the 2011 Wimbledon quarterfinals before losing to Russian bombshell, Maria Sharapova.
The Look: Broad-shouldered tennis enthusiast who fills out a tank top better than most men.
The Look: In a stunning turn of events, it turns out that Cibulková fills out a bikini even better than she fills out a tank top.
Sexy Fact: Unlike most of the beautiful, but tragically dull, ladies of professional tennis, she’s not afraid to shake things up and live a little! She’s been romantically linked to fellow tennis players, Gael Monfils, Roland Garros, and Jurgen Melzer in recent years.
The Look: From pale pro in pink to bronzed beauty in bikini. Major upgrade.
Sexy Fact: In 2009 Grezbien and fellow golfers Sandra Gal and Christina Kim were featured in ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue. The eye-catching trio posed on a golf course with nothing more than a golf cart and some smiles.
The Girl: Anni Friesinger-Postma is a German speed skater. Her father was a speed skater. Her mother was a speed skater. Her sister was a speed skater. And her brother is a speed skater. Suppose Germans are known for running a tight ship.
The Look: Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic build. Big surprise.
The Look: Blonde hair, blue eyes, and an athletic build rocking black lace underwear and stilettos.
Sexy Fact: Friesinger is a sex symbol in Germany and is known for her particularly powerful thighs. She often works as a swimsuit model, although in 2008 she posed for the German magazine Stern in substantially less. Of course Germany has a magazine called Stern.
The Girl: Guo Jingjing is a diver from China who has won more Olympic medals than any other female in history, including two gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. Jingjing announced her retirement in 2011, confirming that she has no plans to compete in the 2012 Games in London.
The Look: Strictly utilitarian.
The Look: From perfunctory to perfection; the girl is stunning outside of diving competitions. Certainly stunning enough to land one of China’s most eligible bachelors: billionaire playboy Kenneth Fok.
Sexy Fact: Jingjing is one of China’s most glamorous athletes and her love live, which often makes tabloid headlines, has many transfixed.
The Girl: Julia Mancuso is an alpine ski racer who has won three Olympic medals (one gold, two silver), more than any other American alpine skier. The 27-year-old has been competing professionally for 12 years and is one of the sports’ most recognizable faces.
The Look: Walking billboard in a snowsuit.
The Look: Like an arctic, and presumably less graceful, Roller girl. Please don’t ask me if she ever takes the boots off.
Sexy Fact(s): Mancuso and beautiful blonde teammate Lindsey Vonn are said to have a tense rivalry that could result in a catfight at any moment. Oh, and after a tough day on the slopes, she’s been known to unwind in a hot tub for some attention-grabbing quality time with teammates who aren’t Lindsey Vonn.
The Girl: Like Corine Franco, Gaetane Thiney is a French professional soccer player who was a member of the French 2011 Women’s World Cup team.
The Look: A standard soccer jesey and the contented smile of someone who has spent the day doing something she loves. I have the exact same look after a Sunday spent drinking Blue Moons and watching football at the bar.
The Girl: Lauren Jackson is a professional basketball who has played for the WNBA’s Seattle Storm since she was drafted in 2001. Today she’s considered one of the top five players in the league. Jackson is also a three-time Australian Olympian who silver in 2000, 2004 and 2008.
The Look: At 6-foot-6, LJ is like a majestic Barbie in basketball shorts who would destroy you in a pick-up game, and then soothe the hurt by cradling you like a little child in her massive arms.
The Girl: Stephanie Rice is an Australian swimmer who won three gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. She has been competing internationally since 2006 and holds three world records.
The Look: Rocking the surly swimsuit look. I don’t know if that’s an official look.
The Girl: Serena Williams is one of the greatest women’s tennis players of all time; ranking fourth in Grand Slam women’s single titles and winning more Grand Slam titles in singles, women’s doubles, and mixed doubles than any other actives female player. In addition to being a two-time Olympic gold medal winner, Williams has won more career prize money than any other female athlete in history.
The Look: Inexplicable.
The Look: Inexplicably hot. Serena Williams’ physical appearance tends to elicit a visceral response: she’s a whole lotta woman, in many respects, and you’re either instinctually drawn to that or not. Even if she’s underappreciated, girl can turn it out (example 1, 2, 3).
Sexy Fact: In 2011 Williams was featured in an ad for 2k Sports Top Spin 4 where she showed off all her curves in a skin-tight leotard and no pants. The ad caused quite a stir and was ultimately banned by 2k for being too sexy.
The Girl: Josefine Öqvist is a professional soccer player who was a member of the Swedish 2011 Women’s World Cup team. She was named Sweden’s Rookie of the Year in 2003 and played for the national team at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing.
The Look: Cute blonde playing soccer. Meh..we've seen it.
The Look: ZOMG...someone turned a sprinkler on! Now I'm in my bikini!
Sexy Fact: Beard does not need much of a reason to take it all, or most of it off. Since 2006 she’s appeared in FHM, the 2006 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, the July 2007 issue of Playboy, one of those weirdo GoDaddy commercials and a 2008 PETA campaign.
The Girl: Ashley Harkleroad is an American tennis player whose career-high ranking of 39 was reached in 2003.
The Look: Friendly, wholesome, and mediocre.
The Look: The ultimate makeover. Playboy has the unique ability to transform almost anyone from average to extraordinary.
Sexy Fact: Harkleroad cited Amanda Beard’s 2007 Playboy pictorial as her inspiration but considered it a little bit tame, which explains her substantially more risqué pictorial in 2008.