I got a box of Cheez-It crackers and a glass of Arizona Iced Tea. Why?
1.) I find both to be delicious.
2.) Cheez-It crackers are the key to SoCal Val's heart...maybe? (5:25)
I'm in. Beat you, Batista! Ha!
So, I'm on the couch, with my Cheez-Its and iced tea. It's Thursday night. One of five or six good shows are on within a two-hour timespan.
Sign me up for IMPACT, I'll DVR the rest.
Wipeout just ended and it is time for some good ole' wrestling.
Isn't this fun already? I love my reviews. I need a cool name for them...anyone?
Hold the phone. I'm reading that the dark match was featuring two guys by the names of Smith James and the Memphis Mofo. Interesting.
REAL Opening Segment
The new heavyweight champion, Sting, comes to the ring. He talks about being insane and being champion again. He calls out Hogan and Bischoff, but instead one of the clowns from last week shows up.
The clown removes his mask and it's Kurt Angle.
Angle says he helped Sting win and will beat him at "Hardcore Justice." Sting says there's a dilemma then.
Bully Ray comes out with Anderson and agrees. Bully Ray confirms a tag-team match between the four guys and Anderson calls Angle and Sting butt buddies (Haha! Oh, Anderson).
Match No. 1: BFG Series, Scott Steiner vs. Rob Van Dam
Never before seen on IMPACT. Oh, come on, Steiner vs RVD was never before on IMPACT.
I know what you TNA haters were thinking.
Seriously, good match. Steiner did his thing and Brian Hebner had his electric blue Zigtechs.
Steiner dropped RVD, went for a pin, got a two and argued with Hebner.
While Scottie had his back turned, RVD got a roll-up pin for the win and seven points added to his account.
Reader: What account?
Me: Don't get dumb on me. We got a series to cover.
The knockouts champion, Mickie James, is backstage and the broadcast team, Tenay and Taz, says she has something to say.
Mickie, looking hot as usual, comes out and calls out Velvet, basically cutting her some slack with all her bullying issues. Mickie is honored to give Velvet her first knockouts title match.
First title match?! Velvet has been around since 2007! She only started to get good recently.
Angelina Love and Winter come out and insult them. Love tells Mickie and Velvet to "get a room." Surprisingly enough, there's a good pop following the comment.
Side note: I cheered too.
Backstage, Miss Tessmacher and Tara are having a brawl with Sarita and Rosita.
We get back and they're still going at it.
Their match is next.
Match No. 2: KO Tag Title Match, Miss Tessmacher & Tara vs (c) Sarita & Rosita
How would you rate IMPACT?
Sarita is wearing a face guard/mask. The mask looks like a bedazzled version of Abyss' mask. She suffers from facial paralysis. I hope she gets well soon.
The cover story to the mask was a parking lot brawl last week, where Tessmacher and Tara "broke" Sarita's jaw and something with the eye socket.
Good match with, guess what, new champions!
Tara's big powerful double-hand choke slam on Sarita finished the job.
Winners: New Knockouts tag-team champions, Miss Tessmacher and Tara!
Miss Tessmacher will be a participant in a Hooters contest tomorrow night on Spike. Check your local listings because, well, it's Hooters.
Match No. 3: BFG Series Ladder Match, A.J. Styles vs Matt Morgan vs Samoa Joe vs Gunner
Really great match.
Definitely the best match of the BFG Series. By the way, the winner got a full 10 points.
There were great spots with the ladder and the crowd ate this match up.
Joe powered A.J. down and Gunner hit Joe with a running knee. A.J. and Joe rolled out of the ring. Morgan slipped in and Gunner ate a carbon footprint.
Winner: Matt Morgan, plus-10 points.
Matt Morgan was sporting all white ring attire for the first time—ever. Just thought you should know.
TV champion, EY, Eric Young, is at a gas station or 7/11 type place. You get the deal.
EY spots his next challenger, Cee Lo Green. EY confronts his challenger.
There's a guy standing awkwardly in the background staring at EY and all the cameras.
Eric challenges Cee Lo. The guy turns around and it's D'Lo Brown. D'Lo! Eric is confused and D'Lo tries to calm EY down before leaving.
Brown walks past Young and EY rolls him up and counts a fast three to retain his TV title!
Winner: Still TV champion, Eric Young!
D'Lo chases EY through the station and Eric runs out the door. D'Lo is mad because Eric didn't even recognize him.
Match No. 4: X Division Title, Alex Shelley vs (c) Brian Kendrick
Another good match here for the X Division title.
I guess Abyss will use his rematch at "Hardcore Justice."
Fun Fact: Both guys use Sliced Bread for a finisher.
Shelley hit Kendrick with a Sliced Bread on the ring apron and then rolled him into the ring. Shelley was about to enter the ring again, but Austin Aries came and smashed Shelley in the face with the belt.
Kendrick got a quick pin and retains.
Winner: Still X Division champion, Brian Kendrick!
Yes! Another step towards an Aries/Shelley feud!
Kendrick has no f'ing idea how he beat Shelley and is confused. He helps Shelley up and clearly doesn't like how he won.
Mexican America comes out.
They call out the tag-team champions, Beer Money.
James Storm completely destroys Mexican America on the mic. He tells them to cut his grass, leave the wrestling company and the U.S. He threatens to kick Anarquia's teeth down his throat. He tells them they'll wake up on August 8 (the day after "Hardcore Justice") with their green cards shoved straight up their asses.
Anyone think Mexican America even has a chance to win? Me neither.
Match No. 5: Knockouts Title Match, Velvet Sky vs (c) Mickie James
This match never even happened.
Mickie came to the ring first for some reason, but Winter and Angelina charged the ring and kicked her sexy ass until Velvet made the save.
Then ODB and Jackie came from the Impact audience to attack Mickie and mostly Velvet.
Then Traci Brooks comes out.
The whole thing is one big brawl. Extra referees come out to break it up. They all scatter.
Security comes out but gets man-handled by ODB and Jackie after some yambag shots. Now ODB is busting out of her shirt and this thing is still going crazy.
Security keeps getting their asses kicked and, somewhere, Murphy is feeling lucky for once.
Finally two cops come and handcuff ODB and Jackie. They pull them away and the match never happens.
Backstage, Traci says that if ODB and Jackie can hang around IMPACT without a contract, then she can too. It looks like she's staying.
ODB, Jackie and Traci Brooks are back in a sense?!
You know who should come back? Yes, I'm about to go there. "The Alpha Male" Monty Brown!
I have a genius way of writing him back on TV and of coming home, back to Thursday nights.
Eric Young is traveling around and searching for opponents for his TV title. What if he stumbles upon The Alpha Male in his journeys? EY will challenge him, Monty Brown will run him over with a Pounce (AHHH! Pounce!), pin 'em and win the TV title. Since he'll be a champion, he'll get a contract.
Main Event: Bully Ray & Mr. Anderson vs Kurt Angle & Heavyweight Champion, Sting
It went by pretty quick, but it was good nonetheless. Sting was a punching bag for Ray and Anderson until he tagged in Angle who was on fire and destroyed everything in sight.
Angle Slam to Anderson and that's all she wrote.
Winners: Kurt Angle and Sting.
Bully Ray was pissed with Anderson for losing the match.
Angle and Sting faced off in the center of the ring. They shook hands, but Angle pulled Sting in close. The two exchanged words and went about their merry way.
It was another good show! How many straight weeks is that?
The ladder match was great. The X Division title match was good and a Shelley/Aries feud is definitely in the works.
The Knockouts were good and took up a good part of the show, hence why they're in the title.
The Knockout tag titles don't count in my books. They're fake titles—like Snooki is a fake celebrity.
The Knockouts looked awesome and were pretty solid in the ring, too.
It was good to see ODB, Jackie and Traci. When are they getting a contract?!
The "Bound For Glory" series keeps getting better and Angle vs Sting should be a good one.
I don't recall seeing Hogan or Bischoff on the show.
An interesting bit where A.J. was getting pre-match thoughts and Daniels walked in: They had to talk in private and tell each other secrets. The camera didn't pick it up, so I wonder what that was about?
Does anyone else want to see A.J. Styles vs Matt Morgan in a steel cage for the Heavyweight title or is that just me?
Thank you for reading!