Then ask 15 minutes after that, and they’ll tell you, “Curses don’t exist. The Yankees are cursed. With A-Rod.”
12. They’re Incredulous Yankee Fans Continued to Wear Their Team’s Hats After 2004.
Which would mean that Red Sox fans shouldn’t have worn their team’s hats in the 86 years before 2004.
13. Tom Brady Is Better Than Montana, Unitas, and Simms. Seriously.
Broaching this subject means referring to the Golden Brady Rule discussed in Lesson #3 which consequently means I'm forced to chew off my own tongue.
14. Cheering For the Lakers Is Synonymous With Advocating Rape.
You can’t point out the off-field/court indiscretions of any Boston athlete. They act like whatever point you just brought up is on par with incest or genocide.
“Ok, that’s just wrong. You just went too far.”
15. They Do Not Have an Unhealthy Obsession With Hating the Yankees. Fine, If They Do, It's Only Because the Yankees Suck.
During a recent trip to Boston, I was reminded that I sucked. Everywhere and all the time.
Tourguides just went to town:
"Please don't lean out the boat windows. Unless you are a Yankee fan, feel free to fall out."
"Are there Yankee fans here? I'll talk slower to you guys."
"Fenway is painted Fenway green. Our Yankee fan Kris here probably wants to buy it and become a Red Sox fan."
(I don't.)
Eventually it seemed like the New Englanders weren’t really interested in affecting me one way or the other, so much as they wanted to establish themselves firmly in opposition to New York. I got it. Point taken.
16. They Will Continue to Champion Curt Schilling and Bill Simmons, Despite Admitting They’re Fed Up With Both of Them.
It’s a little bit like Republicans running to Palin’s defense time and again, all the while thinking, “C’mon, I’m throwing myself in the line of fire for you and you can’t even name one Supreme Court case?”
17. There’s a Hockey Team? Are They Good?
I think there might even be a little animosity towards the Bruins for not joining the Boston Championship Club. Like the mousy freshman girl who decides she doesn’t want to join a sorority, so everyone pretends she doesn’t exist.
18. They Always Believed.
I can’t even listen to this without wanting to claw my ears off. Why is this worthy of commendation? Isn’t this part of the job description when you sign up for supporting a team?
Hey, tomorrow I think I’m going to go in and ask my boss for a raise…for coming into work every day.
And what exactly do they mean by “believe”? Is it…believed they were going to blow it at the last second to fulfill their masochistic dreams? Believed they were doomed to be heartbroken? Believed their frustrations outnumbered their gratifications?
Every team has fans that leave the game early, but not every fanbase refers to itself as “[Stadium] Faithfuls.” Not every team defines itself by its resiliency to adversity.
But this is irrelevant. Boston fans did the impossible. They rooted for their team. When no one else did. (Mainly because we were too busy rooting for our own teams.)
I wonder if they liked Dave Matthews before anyone else did, too.
19. They’d NEVER Date a New York Fan. Ever.
“I swear, I’m not that kind of person. I usually don’t do this kind of thing…”
Just this once.
* * *
It may appropriate to conclude this the same way American History X wrapped up: “We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.”
Right. Easy for Lincoln to say.
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