For those unfamiliar with the concept of a food chain list, it basically works as follows—everyone is capable of eating those listed below them. Which is absolutely a euphemism, but sadly, a categorically false one.
(Also, so as not to appear too misogynistic, I’d like to float an idea by the ladies—how substantial your numbers might be, I’m not really sure—of Bleacher Report:
H.A.G.S. Which will represent husbands and...well, boyfriends...but let's just stick with HAGS b/c HABS sounds like the cute name a fat person might call the muscles in their stomach.
To do it, I need some assurances it’ll get more than 3 hits. Thus, girls—or guys in New York, Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont or D.C.—if I find some comments supporting the idea in the bottom section, I’ll totally do that list. I’m an equal-opportunity objectifier.)
Okay, back to today’s subjects.
One note before we begin—Each entry has been labeled with its lady's respective credentials (i.e. who they dated), and their prognosis for the future ("Wife/Girlfriend" means they're already taken by an athlete, and probably for good, "Free Agent" means that not only are they single, but there's a good chance that their next partner will be an athlete, and "Retired" means just that—that they're not coming back.)
Okay, now we're ready to roll.
Gather yourselves, and then, I’d like to open this list with a dedication...
This is the one to whom everyone on this list compares.
To this day, whenever I go out with a girl, I always suggest a walk over steaming sewer grates. The idea’s only been accepted once, and she second-degree burned her legs. Hot.
GU could probably stand to be higher, but my consultant for this list was Siovaughn Wade.
Credentials: Dwayne Wade, Chris Howard.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Gabrielle Union is clearly marriage material. She'll be around for a long time.
Credentials: Jason Kidd.
This picture is ironic, because I feel like there's nobody's home.
In a nutshell...
Prognosis: Retired. I feel for Joumana—you'll never find me rooting for divorce—but after the nature of her last split, I think she's calling it a career.
Much comment! (As you might’ve noticed, we’re starting with the crazies.)
Carmella makes the list for both her passion and psychosis. She’s been married to ex-NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia (how? how?) for four years now, and has proven apt to defend her husband with what one might describe as a substantial fervor.
In 2005, she was sentenced to 24 hours (that’s a day) of community service for (“allegedly”) beating the crap out of another woman at a bar for (allegedly) eyeing up her husband (and again—how? how?)
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Carmella is certifiably loyal.
There was a time I might’ve put her at the top of this list.
Credentials: Chris Webber.
Prognosis: Retired. The one-time Jackie Ames has thrown it in with businessman John Utendahl, and they may or may not be married.
I’m a sucker for famous country singing girls. When Taylor Swift gets around to an athlete, she’ll usurp CU for this spot.
Credentials: Tony Romo, Mike Fisher.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. In fact in 2012, Mike put a ring on it.
I learned from Asher Chauncey’s strikingly similar slideshow (typed months in advance of this one) that Heidi Klum qualifies for WAG recognition on account of her pre-Seal marriage to Formula 1 executive Flavio Briatore.
Attached is a picture of Flavio Briatore and his new wife.
He has a great personality.
Prognosis: Retired. The world wept when Seal locked that one up.
This is a girl who has dated both Jason Statham and Billy Zane, offering hope to the follicularly challenged among us (I’m not there yet, but genetically I’m due) that if you’re burly, abnormally handsome and a movie star, it might one day be your head on which Kelly Brook is checking her reflection.
Credentials: Rugby player Danny Cipriani, former rugby player Thom Evans.
Prognosis: Free Agent. This is a really tough call for me. She's obviously still dating in the sports world, and things have gotten awful serious a few times, but am I wrong in thinking she's such a good employee that it'll be impossible to keep her at the company for the long haul?
Personal side note: Somebody please teach me how to talk to women.
Credentials: Soccer player Joe Cole.
Prognosis: Free Agent. Keeley's not going anywhere, but she doesn't look like she's in a hurry to stay anywhere either.
If Hilary Rhoda married David Carr, her name would be “Hilary Rhoda Carr.”
These are the things I say to women in bars.
Credentials: Mark Sanchez, Sean Avery.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. If I know women—and I totally don't—this is a relationship girl. Last I heard, she was still dating Sean Avery.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Ryan- “Hey Jessica, can we speak face to face?”
Ryan- “In two days, that’ll look like Apolo Anton Ohno.”
Ryan- “Chin up?”
Jessica-“I’m seriously going to hit you again.”
Ryan- “Okay, I’ll stop.”
Credentials: Terrell Owens.
Prognosis: Free Agent. This girl's taste in men ranges from TO to Sean Penn...which is pretty diverse. I'd say she's neither a threat to leave the athletic world, nor is she a lock to stay.
True fact*: Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s favorite sex position is called the “Prop 8.”
*Not a true fact.
Also, to give Elisabeth Hasselbeck some big time credit, she’s totally reversed course on this.
Credentials: Tim Hasselbeck.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Have to admit...totally thought she was Matt's wife until researching for this slideshow.
Perhaps the most interesting battle of embattled Cleveland quarterback Tim Couch’s career (God, I loved him) was the one for Heather Kozar’s heart (God, I loved her too).
In the end, Couch was able to secure his sweetheart by fending off the advances of one Cade McNown, proving once and for all that the Browns made the right choice in bypassing the former Bruin for Couch in 1999.
(Side note: Had the entirety of the New Orleans Saints draft plus their number one pick the following year—which turned out to be no. 2 in the draft—been in play, it totally would’ve f***ed Heather Kozar.)
Credentials: Tim Couch, Cade McNown.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Game, Couch.
Jessica Szohr: Gossip Girl star, and one of the last women to undo Aaron Rodgers’ invisible belt.
Credentials: Aaron Rodgers.
Prognosis: Free Agent. Jessica Szohr will be around, but at only 26 and working out of Los Angeles, it will be tough to pin her down for a while.
The best thing ever to appear on a Rupert Murdoch owned network.
Credentials: Scott Erickson.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. The one-time best looking woman on television married Erickson in 2004.
Taking this back to the intro slide…
Here is our first nominated H.A.G.: San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Casey Daigle (Jennie’s husband).
Take a look at that face and tell me there’s not a market for its objectification.
Credentials: Casey Daigle.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Daigle beat us to the punch on this one.
More than anything, I admire her for her sports reporting.
Credentials: Brett Favre (via the internet).
Prognosis: Retired. She only loosely qualifies for this list, and she didn't seem to milk the attention that came from her Favre scandal. I think she steps away from the field, and the next guy she dates is an actor.
I was such a Lizzie McGuire fan as a kid, and in no way did I imagine her ending up with a hockey player.
I was definitely thinking more of the curly haired writer-type.
Credentials: Mike Comrie.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Duff married Comrie in 2010.
1. Kendra Wilkinson is a catch.
2. Hank Baskett caught her.
Credentials: Hank Baskett.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Gotta admit...two years ago, I would've thought otherwise.
Sheryl Crow #nolongerromanticizesthebicyclebuiltfortwo
Credentials: Lance Armstrong.
Prognosis: Retired. If only by age. At 49, I think Sheyrl might be ready to hang her WAG boots up.
The caption for this picture was “my Thanksgiving panties.” #ruiningthemood
Credentials: Dennis Rodman.
Prognosis: Retired. As promiscuous as Electra has sometimes seemed, her exploits are for the most part exclusive to the rock community. She'll turn 40 next year, which I think means we'll be asking which abbreviation of the word "grandma" goes best with "Electra," before we're asking if she's been canoodling with athletes again.
And so it was, apparently, with Cheryl Cole.
This time, I’m done recounting the past. I’m sending out an internet plea.
Cheryl, come with me to the Marine Corps ball. (Seems to be working of late.)
I know you like soccer players and my legs are disproportionately skinny as compared to the rest of my body. But they hold me up. I want to hold you up. On a pedestal. At the Marine Corps ball.
Okay, that’s my pitch.
Credentials: Ashley Cole.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. I see it in you, baby.
Okay, we’re about to go on my semi-traditional Jeter & A-Rod run.
Credentials: Alex Rodriguez, Lance Armstrong.
Prognosis: Retired. Kate's been engaged twice, both times to rockers. This time, it's to Matthew Bellamy, and this time, she had his baby.
Coincidentally, this is also how A-Rod traditionally enters the Yankee clubhouse.
Credentials: Alex Rodriguez.
Prognosis: Free Agent. Cameron's still with him, but I just can't see it ending this way. It would be like a bad indie movie—teaching no lesson, and just generally making you feel depressed about life.
Kudos to “thesuperficial.com,” for their equal-opportunity journalism.
Credentials: Derek Jeter.
Prognosis: Retired. I said it before, "if Nick Lachey can't hold down a marriage..."
Okay, I’m looking to hear from the same demographic I’m petitioning for HAG input…
Is Derek Jeter really that handsome?
I’m not saying if he approached me in a bar I wouldn’t giggle, but come on…
Credentials: Derek Jeter.
Prognosis: Free Agent. The Timberlake thing is over, but boy...will the competition be fierce. I could see her dabbling in the sports world again, but she's no sure bet to stay.
To the left is Brooke sporting her Andre Agassi wig.
Prognosis: Retired. She married a television writer, and her path to him was ironically not at all linear.
Tito Ortiz’s girlfriend just so happens to be the woman who revitalized the porn industry.
(Okay, we’re taking a detour here: The following is what happened while I was writing this slide. My internet went out today, so I had to drive to Starbucks to type this—as you may or may not know, Starbucks is a public forum—and as I entered “revitalized the porn industry,” I swear to God, a 6-year-old girl walked by me and commented on the massive picture of Jenna Jameson I had open on my browser. Her dad, like a half-step behind her, comes up, sees the picture and goes, “what the f-,” catching himself a split second before he says an f-bomb in front of his daughter. He then shoots me a look that almost assuredly says “I’m gonna kick your ass in the parking lot.” All that, plus I didn’t shave two mornings in a row. I hope this is as close as I ever get to being a registered sex offender.)
Credentials: Tito Ortiz.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Far be it from me to count Jenna out of the game...but I'm counting her out of the game.
Both the most anatomically beautiful woman on the planet and the predominant evidence that God has adopted Photoshop.
Credentials: Marko Jaric.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Or retired, depending on your designation of Marko Jaric.
I was going to make a joke about Erin Andrews starring in Hostel 3...and then I read her just released, and incredibly vulnerable, reflection on the incident in this month's Marie Claire (yes, I read Marie Claire) and totally lost my nerve.
Erin Andrews hotel quips = perhaps inappropriate, and certainly not timely.
As of this moment, I’m on Team Andrews. You go girl and/or marry me.
Credentials: David Wright, and maybe Aaron Rodgers.
Prognosis: Free Agent. She'll date again, but I bet she settles on a producer.
You want to take the sex out of this picture and just make it funny? Imagine that Anna’s lounging on an invisible, midget recliner.
Again, these are the types of things I say to women in bars.
Credentials: Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov.
Prognosis: Retired. For a while it seemed she'd go Russian, but ultimately ended up with Enrique.
As Joshua's dad in Friends would say "I like her. She seems smart." (Also, I'm appalled that I have that much recall of Friends.)
Credentials: Cristiano Ronaldo, Marcus Bent.
Prognosis: Free Agent. Both Gemma and her almost-spouses seem like serial-daters. I think she'll be around for a while, and I think it'll be a while before she settles down.
Give her this—the woman’s ambitious. If she was applying to Princeton and the guys she’d threatened to sleep with were in actuality extracurricular activities, I’d bet they’d be impressed by her initiative.
Credentials: Kris Benson.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. It's been rocky at times, but I think Anna's in it for the long haul.
Alyssa Milano—proving once and for all that if your last name ends in a cookie, you’re probably pretty good looking. (Lone exception: Doris Fudge.)
(Addendum: I subsequently Googled Doris Fudge only to find out that she was, in fact, a real person. Totally not referring to “real Doris Fudge” mentioned above. “Real Doris Fudge” is a hottie.)
Credentials: Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, Brad Penny, and Russell Martin.
Prognosis: Retired. She married an agent two years ago, and they're having a kid this year.
So important was this woman and her child-rearing hips to my formative years that I spent the entirety of third grade sporting what my hairdresser affectionately referred to as a Seikaly. The cut didn’t land me a girl, but perhaps related was that my chest did go through puberty about three years before the rest of my body.
Credentials: Rony Seikaly.
Prognosis: Retired. I was shocked to see that she and Rony had split up, but I think she's out of play regardless. Elsa is currently dating an Italian movie producer, and his combination of money and chest hair will be difficult to match.
Hugh Grant is the Derek Jeter of Great Britain.
Credentials: Steve Nash.
Prognosis: Retired. Does it count if she's been linked to a cricketer?
Meanwhile, the Derek Jeter of America strikes again.
Prognosis: Retired. You're not going to outdo Derek Jeter without a name like Cash.
Said my 10-year-old cousin of Madonna: “She’s the yoga teacher, right?”
Credentials: Jose Canseco, Dennis Rodman, Alex Rodriguez...and maybe ANTHONY MASON!
Prognosis: Free Agent. It seems weird to consider a 52-year-old woman a free agent, but this particular woman seems insatiable. The Rodriguez thing just happened, and I don't doubt there's another Rodriguez incident waiting just around the corner.
Said my 10-year-old cousin of Eliza Dushku: (something far more inappropriate.)
Credentials: Rick Fox, Brad Penny.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. I'm not thrilled with it, but I could see Fox locking her up.
I feel for Halle Berry.
She may well be the most beautiful woman on the planet, yet she’s been on the receiving end of several high profile dumps and has of late been terrorized by a stalker.
She needs some stability in her life. And while I don’t want to throw myself at every girl on this list (don’t give away the farm, Ryan), I’m stable as a table. My acting in a high school play was once described as “subtle to the point of arid,” which I chose to take as a complement (I don’t overact).
I think I could be good for this woman.
Credentials: David Justice.
Prognosis: Free Agent. I have an inclination she'll end up in Hollywood, but it's not happened yet...
Eva was the queen of the WAGS…but she’s since been knocked off her pedestal by f’ing Tony Parker and his philandering ways.
Nevertheless, she remains a notable player, even if (comeback upcoming) her ex does not (kaboom!).
Credentials: Tony Parker.
Prognosis: Retired. It'll be a long time before she see's in the inside of a stadium again.
Interesting fact: She did not get the Oscar for her performance as “girl walking out of the ocean” in the Just Go With It trailer.
(Side note: There should absolutely be a sandwich at Carnegie Deli called a “Brooklyn Decker.”)
Credentials: Andy Roddick.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. I think she's with Roddick for the long haul.
Interesting question: Would Victoria Beckham take it as a complement if the first thing I said to her was, “you’ve aged well?”
Because in all honesty, it would totally be a complement.
That said, I think she would kick me.
Credentials: David Beckham.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. Ibid, as it pertains to the previous slide. Victoria isn't going anywhere, nor should she.
I literally hate Derek Jeter—10% for his work with the Yankees, 90% for tainting a disproportionate amount of this list.
Credentials: Derek Jeter.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. I really don't want to believe it ends this way for the star of Friday Night Lights and the last scene of 500 Days of Summer. I really don't want to believe it...
Gisele—the Angelina Jolie to Bridget Moynahan’s Jennifer Aniston.
Credentials: Tom Brady.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. She has too much invested in this. The amount of time it would take another guy to grow his hair out...
In a way (and clearly dependant on the extent of your New England bias), isn’t Bridget Moynahan’s baby kind of like Luke Skywalker?
Credentials: Tom Brady.
Prognosis: Retired. Until the Empire rises again.
Okay, I’ll throw myself at one more woman.
I like a full figured broad, and be it Scarlett or Jennifer Lawrence, I need to get my publicist to hook me up with one of them.
Also, I need to get a publicist.
Prognosis: Retired. Why? Because I'm not an athlete.
There’s no way Sasha Vujacic isn’t annoying in bed.
I’m not a hater.
Credentials: Sasha Vujacic, Andy Roddick.
Prognosis: Wife/Girlfriend. A couple of these really hurt. This is one of them.
And, we’ve come to the end of our list.
Elin, queen of the WAGS, and the wealthiest woman this side of Kate Middleton (who, if you haven’t heard, has brought pantyhose back.)
She’s young, she’s single, and she knows how to use a nine-iron.
Plus, she’s the only woman on Earth who’s ever beat Tiger Woods. (Allegedly.)
Credentials: Tiger Woods.
Prognosis: Retired. The only athlete I could see her with is Rory McIlroy.