How the Next President Will Change the Sporting World

Tuesday November 4 may be the biggest election day in United States history.

Which presidential candidate and party will be able to reverse the recent downward trend in our economy? How will national security be handled? When do we pull out of war zones?

Well, all those issues are important, but there is something that tops them all.

How will they affect the sporting world? According to my sources, there are some plans in the works on how to fix some problems in sports.

• The whole "icing the kicker" ploy will be scrapped. No more timeouts by the opposing team before the ball is hiked. Seriously, what is the success rate of this move, like three percent?

• The World Series will conclude in early-to mid-October. There is no need for snow or any other inclement weather to effect baseball's championship series.

• The Toronto Raptors will be relocated to Las Vegas or St. Louis. Heck, move them to North Dakota, just get the team into the U.S. Aren't they like the red-headed stepchild, being the only team across the border now?

• The NHL will return to channels people actually watch. I don't care for the sport, but there are fans out there.

• Federal funding will be used to locate the fountain of youth so Pele and Maradona can return to their younger years. Then they will be signed to MLS teams, and along with David Beckham, make soccer the most popular sport in the United States.
  

• College football will enact a playoff system that works.

• NASCAR will plant obstacles on race ways just to make things a little more interesting to those that don't watch the sport.

• Going back to an earlier point, the World Series will be scrapped altogether because television ratings stink if the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox aren't involved.

• Pete Rose will be allowed to be inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame.

• Congress will ensure that LeBron James receives a supporting cast so he decides to stay in Cleveland.

• The rules committee in college and professional football will be a little more lenient and allow touchdown celebrations as long as the away team refrains from interacting with fans.

• Shaquille O'Neal will be hired to issue nicknames to all NBA stars.

• Legislature will be drawn up to dictate when Brett Favre will retire.


• Jamie Moyer will be required to pitch until the next election year.

• History books will be altered to erase all black eyes on sports such as the XFL, Elite XC, the incident at the Palace (Ron Artest/Detroit Pistons), Spygate, the World Football Leagu (WFL), etc.

Just in case they don't win, here's the backup plan for each candidate and running-mate.

• Barack Obama signs a 10-day contract with the Chicago Bulls. The Senator has game ladies and gentlemen.

• Joe Biden returns to his football days and suits up for the New York Jets as halfback. Thinking he was back in college, Biden returns to his drinking and partying ways leading to him getting released before playing one down.

• It's only fitting that "The Maverick" John McCain makes an offer to Mark Cuban to buy the Dallas Mavericks (after getting a loan from wife Cindy, of course.)

• Sarah Palin will be selected to join next season's Dancing with the Stars program along with Kimbo Slice and the obligatory football star.

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?