Formula 1 2009: Bernie's Bright Ideas
AUSTRALIA: The first race of the season begins with Massa winning from pole position, with Hamilton coming a close second. Unfortunately, Hamilton was deemed to have followed Massa too closely, distracting him slightly. The FIA see this as a safety hazard and consequently gives a 25-second penalty three hours after the race.
MALAYSIA: The Malaysians agree to a night race to entertain the 500 strong crowd, and Alonso wins after forcing Hamilton off the track on the penultimate lap. McLaren appeal, but the FIA declare it as a "racing incident".
BAHRAIN: A much bigger crowd of 950 attend the Bahrain GP, and once again Massa wins from pole. After finishing 11th for the third consectutive race, Kovalainen is sacked and replaced by the shocking signator Fernando Alonso.
SPAIN: Bernie Ecclestone announces that there will in fact be a French Grand Prix this year. Hamilton takes the win, and leaves the track immediately to avoid any upset from the Spanish fans. Toyota release a statement saying that 2009 will be a consolidation year before trying for the championship in 2010.
MONACO: Jenson Button (remember him?) wins the race after torrential rain results in him being the only finisher. He claims that the cars appalling speed helped him to stay on the track. Alonso punches Ron Dennis in the face and claims he is not getting equal equipment to Hamilton from McLaren.
TURKEY: Massa wins as usual at Turkey, and an engine failure ruins Alonsos chances of taking second place, which goes to Hamilton. Bernie announces that the French GP has been cancelled after a disagreement with the organisers. Alonso punches Martin Whitmarsh in the face.
BRITAIN: Alonso wins the race, which pleases the British fans. Bernie announces that the French GP is back on. Hakkinen feels sorry for drive-less Kovalainen and creates his own team "Super Mika" for the Finn. After struggling to find a suitable team-mate for Heikki, Hakkinen announces that he will drive the second car.
FRANCE: As the teams arrive in France, Bernie announces that the French GP has been cancelled. The drivers hold a raffle to decide who gets the points from France, and Timo Glock is declared the winner ahead of Adrian Sutil and Mika Hakkinen. Alonso punches Ron Dennis in the face after claiming that the raffle was fixed in favour of Hamilton.
GERMANY: Bernie announces that he has plans for a grand prix on the moon, and discussions have begun to decide whether it should be a night race. Raikkonen wins his first race in over a year, and is characteristically delighted.
HUNGARY: Massa wins, and takes the lead in the world championship. Alonso "accidentally" stalls in the pits, holding up Hamilton and costing him an almost certain victory. Bernie announces that a French GP will be held at the end of the season.
EUROPE: The FIA annouce that the weather is a bit windy, so the drivers will follow the safety car for the start of the race. The race finishes after 57 laps behind the safety car, and Bernd Maylander is declared the winner, ahead of Massa. Alonso punches a McLaren mechanic in the face, after a fractionally slower pitstop cost him a position to Hamilton.
BELGIUM: Bernie finalises plans for the Moon GP, which will be a night race. He also announces that the French GP has been cancelled and, if building is completed in time, will be replaced by the Moon GP. Raikkonen wins from Kovalainen and Hakkinen for a top three Finnish finish.
ITALY: The Italian stewards give Hamilton a 25 second penalty to result in a Ferrari 1-2. McLaren appeal, but the FIA claim the result "was better for the fans". Alonso is caught planting Ferrari information in a McLaren filing cabinet, and is immediately sacked. Alonso punches Ron Dennis in the face before leaving the sport to join NASCAR.
SINGAPORE: Ferrari try out a new pit exit system, and consequently finish last. Hakkinen takes his first win since returning to F1, benefiting from an early pit stop and a safety car triggered by Kovalainen. Bernie announces that the building of the Moon GP is complete, and will be the last race of the season. De La Rosa takes a strong third after replacing Alonso.
JAPAN: Raikkonen, Massa, Hamilton and Glock go into the final few races of the season all on 67 points. BMW announce that they are leaving the sport after 2009 after only scoring three points in a surprisingly poor season. Kubica suddenly takes pole and wins the race, but BMW stand by their decision.
CHINA: Kubica wins from Heidfeld in a dominant weekend for BMW, who stand firm in their decision to quit. Amazingly for the second race in a row, none of the championship contenders score any points. Hakkinen joins the championship battle with a second place, giving him a points total of 67.
BRAZIL: Heidfeld takes the win from Kubica, and once again none of the championship contenders score any points. Bernie announces that NASA will be the title sponsor of the Moon GP, and will provide free transport for all the teams to the moon.
ABU DHABI: The majority of the teams are so excited by the upcoming Moon GP that they forget to go to Abu Dhabi, disappointing the 600 strong crowd. Only Force India turn up, but both cars suffer hydraulic failures and fail to score any points.
MOON: With Raikkonen, Massa, Hamilton, Hakkinen and Glock all on 67 points, the championship decider is the most exciting of the year. The lead changes a total of 86 times, before Kubica takes the win from Heidfeld. Massa finishes eighth, which is enough to take the title by one point. Bernie's private space rocket is lost in outer space, and he is never seen again. BMW stubbornly decide to leave the sport, despite their recent improvement in form.
The 2009 season ends in style on the Moon, and Luca di Montezemolo announces that he will take over from Bernie for 2010 onwards, promising lots more exciting rules and destinations to visit. I can't wait!
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