Suckah Bowl XLII: A Dream-Team of Misfits, Degenerates, and Social Parasites

WR: Chris Henry 

This man has hauled in legal trouble and arrest records, as well as the occasional pig-skin, with the best of them since joining the NFL in 2005.

Possession of marijuana and a stolen handgun broke the ice in Henry’s rookie year. Sexual assault popped up in 2006, as well as an arrest for doing 25 mph over the speed limit while drunk.

But wait, just wait, Mr. Henry is a Super Bowl Suckah for a reason. Still needing to let off some steam, Henry was arrested and jailed for supplying minors with alcohol, and a hotel room to consume it in! What a thoughtful gift! This guy is a difference maker on the Suckah landscape, one capable of making big mistakes resulting in tons of suspended sentences after the charge (his own personal YACO…we’ll call it SACO).

 
WR: David Boston

The only member of the Suckah Super Bowl squad to have notched the Suckah Triple Crown (three arrests with three different teams), Boston brings an element of veteran leadership and experience to the team.

While with Arizona in ‘02, driving under the influence of cocaine and marijuana let people know what type of game-changer this Suckah was.

Two years later, while with Miami, David hit a gate attendant at a Vermont airport who wouldn’t allow him to board a flight. No words, just fists…I love it David.

And to complete the trifecta as a member of Tampa Bay, Boston was arrested for a DUI when police found him passed out behind the wheel of his SUV. Toss in various steroid allegations that have hounded him throughout his career, and Mr. Boston can easily lay claim to the most hybrid Suckah threat on the field come Sunday.

 
DT: Tank Johnson

The Tank is a large suckah with an extensive history in illegal shenanigans. Arrested four times since entering the NFL, Johnson has faced charges stemming from aggravated assault, to resisting arrest, to marijuana possession, to handgun possession. Fitting for a man who answers to the word "Tank".

With such an array of different Suckah activities, you gotta love Tank’s passion to try new things. That’s what makes this guy such a dangerous member of the Suckah Bowl team: he can hurt you from so many different places with so many different weapons.

 
LB: A.J. Nicholson

Nothing spells Suckah quite like breaking into a former college teammate’s apartment and stealing average electronics. I mean, given how little professional athletes get paid these days, it’s an understandable risk-reward gamble taken on the part of Mr. Nicholson. Well played, sir.

In just two years in the NFL, this middle linebacker out of FSU has racked up burglary, grand theft, and domestic assault and battery charges on his record. Way to make every year count A.J.!

This guy will patrol the middle of the field with excellence in the Suckah Bowl, and he might just patrol your neighborhood late at night too, looking for a new HD-DVD player or a pricey piece of jewelry! You just never know, that's the fun!

 
CB: Adam “Pacman” Jones

Ladies and gentleman, in the red corner, wearing nothing but hundred dollar bills glued to his body, hailing from Atlanta, Georgia and weighing in at 185 pounds, the pride of West Virginia University, the one, the only….Adam Pac-Man Jones!!

Let’s put it this way: the word Suckah was contrived by my friends and I in large part because we needed a word to adequately capture the essence of Mr. Jones. This man has perhaps the most impressive, diverse, and potent array of charges of anyone playing in the Suckah Bowl: assault, felony vandalism, disorderedly conduct (thrice), public intoxication, felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice, and conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct.

Jones has also been tied to several drug busts, and the shooting of a bouncer outside a Las Vegas strip club.

Currently suspended for the Suckah Bowl due to his numerous infractions, Jones will have to watch the game from his couch at home, which also doubles up as a lap-dance couch for local patrons.

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