Hello everybody and welcome back to the WWE Weekly news. I'm Ben Gartland, detective of the dirt sheets, here to bring you up to date on all of the latest news in professional wrestling.
*Disclaimer* Everything in this slideshow is fake and should not be taken seriously. It is meant for humor and nothing else.
Let's get started!
A shocking interview by Randy Orton in which he indirectly called Kelly Kelly a slut has led to an opening up of Orton's biggest secret.
Kelly Kelly's mom, Brenda Brenda, was asked about the situation.
"Oh you know how boys that age act," she said while chuckling. "When a boy calls a girl names and bullies them, they more often than not have a little crush. I think little Randall has a crush on Kelly and that's why he said that."
Orton's best friend, John Cena, offered no comment due to the binding pinky-swear agreement.
When Orton himself was asked about it, he grinned sheepishly and blushed before quickly denying it.
Kelly Kelly was quoted as saying that Orton was gross.
After being thrown out of yet another WWE event, Daniel Bryan was furious at still not being recognized by security.
"You would think that after I won the United States championship that security would recognize me," Bryan lamented. "Now I don't think they would recognize me if I were a World Champion."
This marks the fifth time in three months that Bryan has not been recognized by security personnel at the various arenas the WWE performs at.
Bryan has recently gotten around to carrying pictures of himself as United States champion, but it has had no luck thus far.
When asked about the security issue with Bryan, chairman Vince McMahon said, "Who?"
The IWC erupted in a explosion of negative articles after Zack Ryder appeared on last night's Monday Night Raw.
After begging for months for the WWE to put Ryder on Raw, the IWC instantly became furious with the WWE for granting their wish.
No less then 50 articles on Bleacher Report alone spewed hate, claiming the stupidity of the WWE had reached a new level.
"I just can't believe the WWE has become this stupid," an anonymous IWC writer said. "This would've never happened in the Attitude Era."
As of press time, there has been a movement for Hornswoggle to see more TV time.
A recent discovery has answered why John Cena never breaks Kayfabe while on Twitter, in an interview or some other form of public media.
He doesn't know that professional wrestling is scripted.
"C'mon guys, wrestling is not fake," an irate Cena said to the media. "Do you not see the punches and kicks and moves all of us (WWE Superstars) go through on a nightly basis? You guys are idiots."
"I've tried explaining it to him a million times," an exasperated Mrs. Cena said. "He refuses to listen. I've given up trying to convince him."
No word yet on whether Cena has figured out why his opponents suddenly get easier to beat towards the end of matches.
A growing number of wrestling fans do not believe in Ric Flair, a study shows.
According to the study, more than 20 percent of wrestling fans have grown away from believing in the wrestling god, Ric Flair.
"It's amazing to me that people still believe in Ric Flair," an anonymous wrestling atheist said. "Ric Flair is nothing more than a story made up by the near-cavemen of the '80s."
"The proof against Flair is insurmountable," another wrestling atheist said. "Are people really this simple to still believe in him?"
Flair was not available for comment at press time.
Thank you for reading this week's edition of the WWE news. I hope you enjoyed it, as always leave your comments in the comment section.
Don't miss my CvC Round 2 article tomorrow about the greatest flyweight luchador. Yes, I did just shamelessly plug myself—I don't care.
Once again thanks for reading, and remember that none of the words in the article were true and were not meant to offend anyone.
As always: Don't forget to be awesome.