NFL: Creating the Perfect Wide Receiver

Come draft time, you always hear superlatives like “ideal," “perfect" and “prototypical” thrown around to describe the incoming class of receivers.

The problem is they aren’t all used to describe one wideout.

As the athletic arc goes up in the NFL, it’s tough to be tops in all attributes. The biggest receiver isn’t the fastest; the most dangerous deep-ball threat isn’t effective across the middle.

But what if you could go deep into the bowels of NFL headquarters, where Rodger Goodell has been secretly storing DNA to clone replacement players if the lockout continues (or so I imagine).

With that DNA, you could pick and choose the best attributes from all the league’s top pass-catchers and mash them together to form the ultimate wideout.

Here’s a look at the parts I would piece together to create the perfect pass-catcher.

Brain: Larry Fitzgerald

In a league full or egomaniacs and malcontents, Fitzgerald is a beacon of professionalism and humility.

Despite being saddled with a QB situation that would give T.O. a nervous breakdown, Fitzgerald put up respectable on-field numbers last season and more importantly produced zero off-field drama.

The anti-Ochocinco, Fitzgerald is the engine you want driving the ultimate receiver, a smart route-runner and clutch performer whose only reality show airs on Sundays.

If you’re building the perfect wideout, starting with Fitzgerald’s brain is the smart decision. 

Physique: Calvin Johnson

Stealing Calvin Johnson’s body would not only give you the most physically imposing receiver in the NFL, you could also take his historically awesome nickname.

Megatron is 6’5”, 235 lbs and can transform DBs into quaking piles of mush just by lining up across from them.

Johnson’s superior size allows him to go up, around or through defenders—whatever is required on that particular play.

With Larry Fitzgerald’s brain, he would know not to toss away a touchdown pass until the ref has his arms up. 

Hands: Andre Johnson

The best receiver in football right now, passes thrown towards Andre Johnson aren’t so much caught as they are consumed.

He can snatch balls in traffic, grab them above leaping defenders or scoop them from the turf.

Johnson’s hands are also useful for stiff-arming would-be tacklers and busting through attempts at press coverage.

As a bonus, our uber-receiver can replace Dennis Haysbert as the Allstate spokesperson thanks to the amazing hands of Andre Johnson. 

Legs: DeSean Jackson

Watch the highlights of DeSean Jackson and the only time you see a defender in the screen is when Jackson slows down to high-step the last 15 yards into the end zone (again, we’ll handle that with Larry Fitz’ brain).

At the risk of sounding redundant, Jackson is quick and fast, able to explode past people off the line and dust a defender on a post route.

Jackson’s speed can be used to split a seam, house a punt or stress out a safety so much he forgets to worry about the run.

Recreating Jacksons’ fast-twitch muscles for our uber-receiver’s legs is an obvious choice.  

Feet: Reggie Wayne

The Fred Astaire of wideouts, Reggie Wayne has made a career out of toe-tapping his way to unbelievable receptions.

Nobody in football is better at contorting his feet to ensure they come down in bounds, regardless of where the ball is thrown.  

Wayne’s fancy feet also allow him to start, stop and turn on a dime, a crucial part of any passing offense.

Just like you don’t put cheap tires on a Ferrari, agile feet are imperative for our elite wideout. 

Heart: Hines Ward

When you’re barely 6'0" and the NFL starts fining you for hitting defenders too hard, you’ve got a heart worth duplicating.

Ward is fearless going across the middle and uses the times when he doesn’t have the ball to launch himself at defenders like a battering ram.

To top it off, Ward quite literally does it all with a smile; he is the perfect finishing touch for our custom built receiver.

Imagine being a DB and seeing a smiling, 6’5” receiver snatch the ball from above you and then accelerate at impossible speed into the end zone, where he calmly hands the ball to the ref and congratulates his teammates. 

Just the threat of turning this defensive nightmare into a reality should send DBs running to their player rep, insisting a new CBA get signed right now.