Dear Super Bowl Ticket Scalpers…Let's Make a Deal

Dear Super Bowl Ticket Scalpers,

The Super Bowl is right around the corner and my favorite team, the New York Giants, are less than two weeks away from pulling off one of the greatest upsets of all-time. 

And I want to be there.  No, I have to be there. 

But all the tickets I’m seeing listed online are more expensive than Michael Strahan’s divorce.  Okay, nothing’s that expensive, but you get the idea. 

I know I should’ve been planning for this.  I should’ve been tucking away money all season just in case this happened.  But let’s be honest: not even Giants fans could’ve imagined Eli Manning leading Big Blue to the Super Bowl.

But shocking things happen every day.  I mean, who could’ve predicted Kevin Federline would be a more responsible parent than Britney?

If there’s one thing I know about ticket scalpers it’s that you guys are amongst the most reasonable and kind-hearted people on the planet.  Sure, you get a bad rap for buying up tickets and making it impossible for real fans to get their hands on them.  But as far as I’m concerned, you provide an important service and deserve to be well compensated. 

And I, for one, have no problem paying a five hundred percent mark up to gain entry to a sporting event or concert.  

In fact, I’d be more than willing to pay the ten grand necessary to get a decent seat at the big game.  I just don’t have that kind of money…ever.  And my credit cards are in worse shape than the Miami Dolphins. 

But there certainly isn’t any reason we couldn’t barter for the tickets, right?  So let’s make a deal.

First, let me begin the negotiations by stating as clearly as I can that sexual favors are unequivocally off the table. 

Then again, it is the Super Bowl…

No, they’re definitely off the table.  I just watched “Midnight Cowboy,” and I don’t want to end up with that Jon Voight in the movie theater look on my face.

Unfortunately, I don’t have much to offer in the way of personal property.  I don’t own a house and I drive a ’96 Honda Civic.  Most of my furniture is from Ikea, and most of my clothes were bought at Old Navy.

But I would gladly give you all I owned in exchange for Super Bowl tickets.  Is that something you might be interested in?  

I know.  Not much of an offer.  I do have two perfectly functioning kidneys though, and from what I understand I can get by with one.  You could scalp one of my kidneys on the black market for at least ten thousand dollars, right?   

Is a slightly used kidney something you might be interested in? 

Okay, I didn’t want it to have to come to this, but you drive a hard bargain.  For Super Bowl tickets, I’d be willing to give up my first-born son. 

Now, don’t get the wrong impression: I love my son dearly.  But the Giants don’t make the Super Bowl every year, and my wife and I can always make a new kid. 

My son is thirteen months old, healthy, well behaved, and quite adorable.  He’s had all of his shots—and while it’s a little too soon to start filling out the Harvard application, he appears to be very bright. 

We’re also getting the impression he’s left-handed.  So on top of getting a beautiful baby boy with above average intelligence, you’d also potentially be getting a future middle reliever who could command a seven figure salary from a major league franchise without really being all that good.

Of course, a child of this caliber is worth nothing less than lower level seats (not in the end zone) and a parking pass.

Is my first-born son something you might be interested in?

Look, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I need Super Bowl tickets.  And you’re going to give them to me.  So just name your price.

Do you want the kid or do you want the kidney?

Think it over and let me know. 

Respectfully Yours,

Dave