ESPN TV Reveals New Channel: ESPN CDTSBXLIX

With Super Bowl XLII looming on the horizon, ESPN—the self proclaimed World Wide Leader in Sports—has elected now as the time to drop its newest and most controversial bombshell to date: Another new television station.

With a slew of other channels already being broadcast, ESPN representatives claim that now is actually the perfect time for another new station to hit the airwaves. With the incredible football season that has unveiled itself—the New England Patriot’s writing themselves into the record books with an undefeated season, numerous offensive records, the New York Giant’s Cinderella-esque season and stringing together of 10 straight road wins—the football world may be facing the highest rated Super Bowl of all time.

This has left executives at ESPN asking themselves, what next? Where can we go from here?

The answer came early this morning at an impromptu press conference in which the Feb. 4 launch of ESPN: Count Down to Super Bowl 49 was announced—or the much more steam-lined ESPN CDTSBXLIX.

While most reporters, including myself, had absolutely no idea what the hell they were talking about, all was soon made clear.

ESPN’s representative answered all questions:

"The Patriots have done what few thought was possible in accomplishing the undefeated season and possibly the perfect postseason as well. The New York Giants saved us from the most predictable postseason ever by defeating both the heavily favored Cowboys, led by Jessica Simpson’s ex-boyfriend, and the Green Bay Packers, led by the heavily medicated octogenarian Brett Favre.

Now we are faced with the future. Now we have realized where we must go to get the most comprehensive and in-depth analysis in Super Bowl history.

Sure, we have countdown clocks for Bowl games and draft days. Sure, we have nearly 72 consecutive hours of speculation as to who is going to raise the Lombardi Trophy high in victory while the losers slink away to their castles and mistresses—but we can do better.”

And by better, they mean more.

ESPN has opted to do what no other channel, reporter, or virgin has even thought of in their wildest, sad, dreams: Start from the beginning.

As this article is being written, ESPN and their affiliates are dispatching reporters around the nation to find the next great talent. First stop: junior high school.

ESPN’s rep went on to explain:

“Sure, we can analyze the next up-and-comers from a mile away when it comes to college football. We can scrutinize them and idolize them and make them think that they are better at 19 than the rest of us will ever be, but we could do more."

And by more, they mean setting up scouting reports on eighth graders nationwide to see just who might be the Super Bowl MVP eight years from now.

"We have listened to the fans and we now realize that it isn’t so much about featuring the past great players and those guys you might have heard of talk about the game of football as though they are so special. It isn’t about listening to some goofy comedian that does an awesome impression of G.W. as he’s making his weekly picks. The wave of the future is to see where these players really come from."

Thanks to the popularity of programs by NFL films and Beyond the Glory, we now know that the drama to get to the big show can impact a player far more than the strippers that they beat up last weekend ever could."

For the next eight years, ESPN CDTSBXLIX will have a countdown clock (which currently shows 2920 days, two hours, 10 minutes, and counting until Super Bowl XLIX in a place TBD) that ticks down every last second as these pint sized, pre-pubescent gladiators claw, battle, cry, and bleed their ways on the gridiron toward victory—as well as in the back of their parent’s minivan to get their girlfriend’s bra undone.

Scouting reports will list everything from yards-per-game to sacks to what Sally told Billy who told Jamie who told Adam that Justin said about Becky. These men will not only be judged based on their 40 yard dash times of well over six seconds, but also on their capacity to handle the pressure of an 8 a.m. pop quiz on exactly what the f*** Henry David Thoreau was writing about in Walden.

“If we are going to really analyze who the future Hall of Fame inductees are going to be, we can’t rest our hopes on what we see from some grainy high school highlight reels and NCAA records. We need to see what these boys had to endure to become men; to see if they can handle the pressure of knocking up that girl with the lazy eye. We need to get in there and tear their lives apart so that we can better predict what the spread will be eight years from now," the now profusely sweaty ESPN rep proudly announced.

While speculations run high, early reports are showing that fantasy football players are intrigued by the idea that they will be able to spend even more time not talking to their wives while they try to figure out how exactly Jim Galvin’s Mounds View High School Mustangs will be able to overcome a history of disappointment at the hands of those douche bags from Cretin-Derham Hall.

Only time will tell if this new channel will be able to live up to the greatness that is ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, ESPN Desportes, ESPNHD, and the ill-fated ESPN Chick Sports. But if early Super Bowl buzz indicates anything about the popularity of the years to come, I think it is safe to say that we will be scarring these young boys in ways that have never been done before without breaking child labor laws.

Preliminary reports also indicate that the channel will be available in the High Definition version, called ESPN CDTSBXLIX1.5.
 

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