With Super Bowl XLII looming on the horizon, ESPN—the self proclaimed World Wide Leader in Sports—has elected now as the time to drop its newest and most controversial bombshell to date: Another new television station.
With a slew of other channels already being broadcast, ESPN representatives claim that now is actually the perfect time for another new station to hit the airwaves. With the incredible football season that has unveiled itself—the New England Patriot’s writing themselves into the record books with an undefeated season, numerous offensive records, the New York Giant’s Cinderella-esque season and stringing together of 10 straight road wins—the football world may be facing the highest rated Super Bowl of all time.
This has left executives at ESPN asking themselves, what next? Where can we go from here?
The answer came early this morning at an impromptu press conference in which the Feb. 4 launch of ESPN: Count Down to Super Bowl 49 was announced—or the much more steam-lined ESPN CDTSBXLIX.
While most reporters, including myself, had absolutely no idea what the hell they were talking about, all was soon made clear.
ESPN’s representative answered all questions:
"The Patriots have done what few thought was possible in accomplishing the undefeated season and possibly the perfect postseason as well. The New York Giants saved us from the most predictable postseason ever by defeating both the heavily favored Cowboys, led by Jessica Simpson’s ex-boyfriend, and the Green Bay Packers, led by the heavily medicated octogenarian Brett Favre.
Now we are faced with the future. Now we have realized where we must go to get the most comprehensive and in-depth analysis in Super Bowl history.
Sure, we have countdown clocks for Bowl games and draft days. Sure, we have nearly 72 consecutive hours of speculation as to who is going to raise the Lombardi Trophy high in victory while the losers slink away to their castles and mistresses—but we can do better.”
And by better, they mean more.
ESPN has opted to do what no other channel, reporter, or virgin has even thought of in their wildest, sad, dreams: Start from the beginning.
As this article is being written, ESPN and their affiliates are dispatching reporters around the nation to find the next great talent. First stop: junior high school.
ESPN’s rep went on to explain:
“Sure, we can analyze the next up-and-comers from a mile away when it comes to college football. We can scrutinize them and idolize them and make them think that they are better at 19 than the rest of us will ever be, but we could do more."
And by more, they mean setting up scouting reports on eighth graders nationwide to see just who might be the Super Bowl MVP eight years from now.
"We have listened to the fans and we now realize that it isn’t so much about featuring the past great players and those guys you might have heard of talk about the game of football as though they are so special. It isn’t about listening to some goofy comedian that does an awesome impr
ESPN TV Reveals New Channel: ESPN CDTSBXLIX
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About the Author Jon Grilz (senior writer)
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5 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment
Zander Freund about 1 year ago
LOL! I've been saying for awhile that ESPN doesn't have enough channels as is. And it's about time those adolescents got the attention they deserve—what better way to judge leadership in a Super Bowl than to see how little Jimmy handles the pressure of 8th grade?!
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Anonymous about 1 year ago
Glad to hear we can NOW have messed up superstars who still wear their underoos. And I'm not talking about Rex Grossman.
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Anonymous about 1 year ago
You couldn't find a better adjective to describe Favre, "octogenarian"! JK!
Make sure all the pedifiles in the world knows about this channel. "To Catch a Predator", will someday have a football special!!
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Anonymous about 1 year ago
"Count Down to Super Bowl 48 was announced—or the much more steam-lined ESPN CDTSBXLIX."
XLIX is 49.
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Jon Grilz about 1 year ago
Thanks for the heads up, I failed Roman in school.
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