I have been fired from numerous jobs; where's my parade?
There were many different reasons for me to lose those many different jobs: incompetence (nobody told me to peel the banana before putting it in the blender), poor hygiene (my religious beliefs preclude me from using toilet paper), sexual harassment (and I still say that photocopier came on to me), inappropriate clothing (it wasn't my fault the wind blew my kilt up; I guess it was my fault I didn't wear underwear that day), treason (I am loyal to the Kaiser) and, in most cases, laziness (I can't think of any examples).
When one is fired, there are only so many ways to fill the day (applying for another job, milking the government teat, etc.) before eventually diving head first into the abyss of television.
While I'm not proud of my almost encyclopedic knowledge of American television, it does make me qualified for finding television lookalikes for NFL head coaches. Which is good, because the only other thing all of that television watching qualifies me for is a lobotomy.
Let's find some NFL head coach doppelgängers and pray that this lockout ends soon so we can get back to talking about, you know, football.
Thinning hair, steel eyes, hard chin and the look of a man who might have recently decapitated several drifters.
Woody and Whiz are two sides of the same coin.
Granted, Woody Boyd was a naive, lovable simpleton who couldn't hurt a fly, and Ken Whisenhunt appears to be a controlling hard-ass who would kick a dying dog if it would help the Cardinals get a first down—like any good NFL head coach.
Pulled-back white hair, bushy eyebrows, wrinkles and bird lips.
Larroquette has longer hair, but that's the only real difference between the two. That and five Emmys and one NFL Coach of the Year Award.
More ear than man, beady eyes, protruding Adam's apple and a receding hairline.
I bet Gailey likes to verbally harass nurses and Japanese people too.
Slicked-back black hair, energetic eyes and Hispanic.
I'm such a common racist. God forbid I compare Ron Rivera to Donald Trump, ya know?
Shaved head, broad face and neck and soulful eyes.
There really is a likeness between the two, though it's easier to see the resemblance when Amos has a shaved head.
I'm sure Jim Schwartz is charitable with his time and money, a man who looks out for the downtrodden and downhearted in our society and someone whom children and adults alike can emulate and respect.
But I just can't get past that white streak in his hair.
The resemblance is uncanny!
A friendly face (jolly, one might say), tender eyes and a wide physique, but something lies beneath that belies those good-hearted features: a devious nature that revels in the total destruction of an opposition.
If Mike McCarthy ever offers you a bowl of chili, don't eat it.
The eyes and skin and hair of a man who's seen his best years come and go.
Vacant baby blue eyes and a strange hairstyle.
If this was a picture of Spader after he came to terms with balding, the match would look better. The weird hairstyle is still comparable, however.
A graying goatee, large forehead, smug smile, smug eyes and smug demeanor that oozes a feeling of superiority.
They never should've fired Miller from Monday Night Football.
(I'm kidding. Kidding. Dear God, am I kidding.)
A mustache, glasses and tired, old eyes.
While there are common qualities between the two, Sparano isn't that old yet, obviously.
But another offseason like the one the Dolphins just put him through (is he or isn't he fired?), and he could look that old very soon.
Churlish attitude, angry presence, yet calm and cool under relentless pressure in any circumstance—no doubt thanks to his own genius.
Boy genius with a child's haircut and sad eyes.
Let's hope Payton never gets a mohawk.
Long nose, wide ears, narrow eyes, white hair and so, so much anger.
Statler would've chewed out Matt Dodge for not kicking away too, but it would've been funnier.
Walrus-like qualities and a mustache.
Roy's ability to run an airline > Andy Reid's ability to manage timeouts.
A youthful presence that hides his age and that silver mane.
Pete Carroll also likes to drink at 10 a.m.; how else do you explain his not knowing Reggie Bush's parents moved into a brand-spanking-new apartment when he signed on?
The bully presence of a man who has taken a lot of lunch money from nerds.
I miss the NFL.