I have been fired from numerous jobs; where's my parade?
There were many different reasons for me to lose those many different jobs: incompetence (nobody told me to peel the banana before putting it in the blender), poor hygiene (my religious beliefs preclude me from using toilet paper), sexual harassment (and I still say that photocopier came on to me), inappropriate clothing (it wasn't my fault the wind blew my kilt up; I guess it was my fault I didn't wear underwear that day), treason (I am loyal to the Kaiser) and, in most cases, laziness (I can't think of any examples).
When one is fired, there are only so many ways to fill the day (applying for another job, milking the government teat, etc.) before eventually diving head first into the abyss of television.
While I'm not proud of my almost encyclopedic knowledge of American television, it does make me qualified for finding television lookalikes for NFL head coaches. Which is good, because the only other thing all of that television watching qualifies me for is a lobotomy.
Let's find some NFL head coach doppelgängers and pray that this lockout ends soon so we can get back to talking about, you know, football.
Arizona Cardinals: Ken Whisenhunt Is...
Christian Petersen/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Thinning hair, steel eyes, hard chin and the look of a man who might have recently decapitated several drifters.
Woody Boyd, "Cheers" (Woody Harrelson)
Woody and Whiz are two sides of the same coin.
Granted, Woody Boyd was a naive, lovable simpleton who couldn't hurt a fly, and Ken Whisenhunt appears to be a controlling hard-ass who would kick a dying dog if it would help the Cardinals get a first down—like any good NFL head coach.
Atlanta Falcons: Mike Smith Is...
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Pulled-back white hair, bushy eyebrows, wrinkles and bird lips.
Frank Beckerson, "Parks and Recreation" (John Larroquette)
Larroquette has longer hair, but that's the only real difference between the two. That and five Emmys and one NFL Coach of the Year Award.
Buffalo Bills: Chan Gailey Is...
Handout/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
More ear than man, beady eyes, protruding Adam's apple and a receding hairline.
Cotton Hill, "King of the Hill"
I bet Gailey likes to verbally harass nurses and Japanese people too.
Carolina Panthers: Ron Rivera Is...
NFL Photos/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Slicked-back black hair, energetic eyes and Hispanic.
Oscar Martinez, "The Office" (Oscar Nunez)
I'm such a common racist. God forbid I compare Ron Rivera to Donald Trump, ya know?
Chicago Bears: Lovie Smith Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Shaved head, broad face and neck and soulful eyes.
James Evans Sr., "Good Times" (John Amos)
There really is a likeness between the two, though it's easier to see the resemblance when Amos has a shaved head.
Dallas Cowboys: Jason Garrett Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Ginger.
Mitchell Pritchett, "Modern Family" (Jesse Tyler Ferguson)
Detroit Lions: Jim Schwartz Is...
Todd Warshaw/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
I'm sure Jim Schwartz is charitable with his time and money, a man who looks out for the downtrodden and downhearted in our society and someone whom children and adults alike can emulate and respect.
But I just can't get past that white streak in his hair.
Pepe Le Pew, "Looney Tunes"
The resemblance is uncanny!
Green Bay Packers: Mike McCarthy Is...
Tom Pennington/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
A friendly face (jolly, one might say), tender eyes and a wide physique, but something lies beneath that belies those good-hearted features: a devious nature that revels in the total destruction of an opposition.
Cartman, South Park
If Mike McCarthy ever offers you a bowl of chili, don't eat it.
Houston Texans: Gary Kubiak Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
The eyes and skin and hair of a man who's seen his best years come and go.
Charlie Harper, "Two and a Half Men" (Charlie Sheen)
Jacksonville Jaguars: Jack Del Rio Is...
Handout/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Vacant baby blue eyes and a strange hairstyle.
Alan Shore, "Boston Legal" (James Spader)
If this was a picture of Spader after he came to terms with balding, the match would look better. The weird hairstyle is still comparable, however.
Kansas City Chiefs: Todd Haley Is...
Handout/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
A graying goatee, large forehead, smug smile, smug eyes and smug demeanor that oozes a feeling of superiority.
Dennis Miller, "Dennis Miller Live"
They never should've fired Miller from Monday Night Football.
(I'm kidding. Kidding. Dear God, am I kidding.)
Miami Dolphins: Tony Sparano Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
A mustache, glasses and tired, old eyes.
The Greek, "The Wire" (Bill Raymond)
While there are common qualities between the two, Sparano isn't that old yet, obviously.
But another offseason like the one the Dolphins just put him through (is he or isn't he fired?), and he could look that old very soon.
New England Patriots: Bill Belichick Is...
Harry How/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Churlish attitude, angry presence, yet calm and cool under relentless pressure in any circumstance—no doubt thanks to his own genius.
Dr. Perry Cox, "Scrubs" (John C. McGinley)
I could definitely see Belichick saying any of these things at a press conference.
New Orleans Saints: Sean Payton Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Boy genius with a child's haircut and sad eyes.
Malcolm, "Malcolm in the Middle" (Frankie Muniz)
Let's hope Payton never gets a mohawk.
New York Giants: Tom Coughlin Is...
Andy Marlin/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Long nose, wide ears, narrow eyes, white hair and so, so much anger.
Statler, "The Muppet Show"
Statler would've chewed out Matt Dodge for not kicking away too, but it would've been funnier.
Eh, maybe not.
Philadelphia Eagles: Andy Reid Is...
Sean Gardner/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
Walrus-like qualities and a mustache.
Roy Biggins, "Wings" (David Schraam)
Roy's ability to run an airline > Andy Reid's ability to manage timeouts.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Tomlin Is...
Al Bello/Getty Images
Dr. Eric Foreman, "House" (Omar Epps)
Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll Is...
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
A youthful presence that hides his age and that silver mane.
Roger Sterling, "Mad Men" (John Slattery)
Pete Carroll also likes to drink at 10 a.m.; how else do you explain his not knowing Reggie Bush's parents moved into a brand-spanking-new apartment when he signed on?
Tennessee Titans: Mike Munchak Is...
NFL Photos/Getty Images
Distinguishing Features
The bully presence of a man who has taken a lot of lunch money from nerds.
Nelson Muntz, "The Simpsons"
Tom Pennington/Getty Images
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