Welcome back, Bleacher Creatures!
I’m assuming you’ve prepared for another exhilarating Creature vs. Creature 2.0 slide show that showcases the next division in what will be the most epic CvC to date. Whoever told you that slide show could be found here was clearly delusional.
Be that as it may, I have been dutifully charged with bringing you the news and notes surrounding this particular Creature vs. Creature contest. What makes this contest so very awesome is that the winner will get to prance around boasting that they are “The Greatest Writer of B/R’s Wrestling Section.”
As your designated Gorilla Adamle (click here for clarification about that joke), I’ve pledged to post slide shows introducing you to the writers, their divisions, and the topics they will speak on. And as usual, expect the witty, acerbic humor that can only be brought to you by the one and only Mr. Ashley Morris.
Joe Burgett has also rather forcefully reminded me to reinforce to you, the loyal B/R readers, to stay up to date for the writers’ posts. It is totally up to YOU to determine which writer advances in the tournament, and without you this contest (and my slide shows) is virtually pointless.
In order to keep this next installment from becoming as bland as another Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston match, let’s end this promo and shoot straight for the introductions!
Our focus this morning will be on the Blue Division. Unlike the infamous Cross the Line Division (Red Division), which has been labeled as the “hardest division to get out of,” things in today's division seem pretty tame and docile.
As a matter of fact, you probably missed hearing anything about this division because Joe Burgett saddled it with an icon that reminds you of Drew McIntyre. Talk about killing something’s momentum, JOE.
With a few keystrokes here and there, and about 10 minutes of work on Photoshop, I've rechristened the Blue Division as the Know Your Role Division.
The writers in this division have interesting topics facing them given their strengths and weaknesses. In order to become the winner in this division, each writer will have to make it their main priority to make their competitors shut the hell up!
The Know Your Role Division will feature the best in smash mouth writing (if such a thing exists), where readers can expect the articles to pack a punch and make the competition’s pieces look so out of place that you’d feel embarrassed to even bother reading it.
The writers in this division are experts in many different areas, so their articles will probably sound so condescending that you’d think I was writing these things. That’s not a compliment, by the way.
Here’s the kicker for the division: I have it on good authority—and by that I mean I hacked into Joe Burgett’s computer and snatched his MS Word files for the contest—that there will be a
secret special play-in match up featuring the losers from Friday and today’s play-in games.
The winner of that match up, who will be chosen by the “Anonymous Competition Creator,” will earn a bye to the second round, where they will face the winner of the C-Cool vs. Jon Sainz match up.
The winner earns this bye because unlike the other writers, they’ll have to write two pieces in one week. Now that’s pretty hardcore; I have trouble crafting one article in two months.
I’m anxious to see how much of a smart ass these writers can be without hitting below the belt.
The writers of this division will post their articles on Tuesdays.
Never mind the fact that the man came up with the idea for this particular Creature vs. Creature contest, and forget the fact that he cajoled me into being the competition’s correspondent. Heck, you can even forget that he owes me five dollars in nickels!
The truth of the matter is, Joe Burgett IS A B/R LEGEND!
With close to 2 million reads and 1,000 articles, Joe Burgett is arguably the alpha dog when it comes to B/R writing. The man is a machine, an iconic member of B/R’s Golden Era that rose from obscurity to ethereal over the years.
Think of him as being like the guy with the white hair from the last Matrix movie, or Pai Mei. Either image works.
Facing him is ReDevil, a fierce competitor with a sharp wit and a penchant for being…evil.
Not evil in the satanic, “I don’t trust him with my kids and/or ice cream” way, but evil in the sense that his work defies B/R writing logic!
This isn't a jab at ReDevil as a writer at all, as his work is very logical and compelling. A number of ReDevil’s pieces, however, are written with these four-sentence-plus paragraphs.
This is a B/R no-no, one that the editors use to tan my fanny about occasionally on my own writings.
Yet ReDevil’s still allowed to post them as is??? That, my friends, is simply mind-boggling.
If I were in ReDevil’s pointy little shoes I’d use this quirky pitchfork to my advantage and exploit the hell (pun intended) out of Joe Burgett’s weakness, whatever that particular weakness is.
I don’t know that that weakness is, so maybe he can find it.
I do know that it does exist; Joe wasn't always as good as he is now.
These two will wax poetically about the worst talk show in WWE history. Believe it or not, both writers have several shows to choose from. My personal favorite was the Brother Love Show; that should give you a clue to how old I am.
Expect to be thoroughly underwhelmed if both writers play it safe and go with one of the more memorable and modern talk shows. I’m assuming they’re bringing their A-game to this skirmish to discuss a show with a thick layer of dust covering it.
They have plenty of shows to choose from in the WWE’s vault; I’m prepared to run them both clean out of B/R if they pick anything after the WWE had a live, prime time television show on Monday nights.
Born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pa., Bryan bleeds black and yellow unlike the rest of us. Believe it or not, that tidbit makes the rest of us abnormal.
This seemingly insignificant biographical snippet about Bryan is actually the most devastating attribute he possesses. Having a girlfriend from Pittsburgh, I know full well that Bryan has an unrivaled and ferocious passion that cannot be underestimated.
Add to the mix a little slice of sarcasm mixed with a healthy dose of humor and truth, and Bryan is a force that makes an F-5 tornado feel like a gnat fart.
Weaving precariously through the storm is Will J Baker, a 17-year-old London native who can pen one hell of an article about soccer or pro wrestling. The young man is versatile!
This essentially makes Will’s writings good for two things: catch-as-catch-can tactics and kicking the s*#t out of balls. Perhaps Bryan should pack a lunch for this constitutional through the park.
Bryan and Will must present their thoughts on the top WCW World Heavyweight Champion, who was only a WCW name at that time. This means that neither writer can talk about a star like Hogan, who clearly made his name off of Vince McMahon’s money and not Eric Bischoff’s “genius.”
Will is quite adept at penning lists and rankings, so this should be right down his cricket park. However, Bryan’s hard-hitting never-say-die spirit could steamroll right over Will if our cheeky mate begins to list attributes instead of stating one solid case effectively.
I would consider it an insult to our intelligence and their abilities as writers if either one of them chooses Sting. If they really want to wow the readers, they’d write about David Arquette. Didn't somebody already do an article about that, though?
Robert enters the competition with great credentials, including having an article published for SportsIllustrated.com. Much like our aforementioned mate, Robert excels at creating lists, which makes the topic a bit easier for him to handle.
Robert has millions of article reads like Joe Burgett, and has even written more articles that Dan Power, but his one flaw is that he doesn’t seem to be keen on commenting. This could very well be his undoing in the competition and Jeff Awesome will make sure of that.
Awesome is another writer riding into the competition on a wave of momentum from his last piece. What Jeff lacks in article reads he makes up for in comments, meaning he arrives to fight through the crowd with his people right behind him.
The support from the people will be the deciding factor in these writers’ pieces, as they are charged with highlight the best band in WWE history.
Robert can make a mean list, and Awesome specializes in crafting dream pay per views. This works to Awesome’s advantage; we can assume that since he knows what it takes to make a match special, he would possess a critical eye and ear for the intricacies of character development.
With that finely tuned skill, Awesome could very well spot the bands that have made songs for WWE pay per views, superstars, and anything else in between.
The winning piece must take into account what the band has done to make a pay per view or superstar more intense, more lovable, more whatever. The article cannot be about a band that plays well; the article must be about how that band has defined the character of a wrestler, pay per view, or show.
Other than that, I really can’t give you my opinion on this topic as I barely keep up with the mediocre pay per views that feature the lackluster music chosen to serve as their “official theme songs” (readers, meet sarcasm).
What I do know is that the writer that opts to talk about Motorhead or Jim Johnston will be booted out of this competition faster than Aloisia and Hade Vansen were kicked out of the WWE. You guys are going to really have to try harder than that.
Once glance at Lewis’ profile (which does not include his last name; I’m guessing it’s for legal reasons) will show that this Featured Columnist has the self-proclaimed mouth of Chris Jericho, Christian-like fan dedication, and the Edge-Lita inspired controversial reputation.
Essentially Lewis is one Lance Storm away from being his own Team Canada. To paraphrase and completely misquote Scott Steiner, don’t blame “Mexico North,” blame him.
But if I could be serious for a moment (see what I did there?), Lewis is a diehard WWE fan and can pen an article on the company with such honesty and reality that you’d gladly sell your Aunt Sally if it’d get him a job on the creative team.
For the sake of this battle only, let’s refer to Lewis as Logic.
Opposing Lewis is Charlie Groenewegen, a pro wrestling fan with a robust resume filled with articles that espouse his discontent with the WWE’s current product. In fact, Charlie’s profile states that he’s a “huge TNA fan that is not enthused by WWE’s half-assed antics.”
Okay, his profile doesn’t say that exactly, but it’s close enough. The bottom-line is that Charlie views TNA’s product religiously and is more than likely the reason why their product has been good for two weeks straight for the first time in the company’s history.
For the sake of this battle only, we’ll refer to Charlie as Vince Russo’s Employment.
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, this battle pits Logic against Vince Russo’s Employment. There is no way on God’s green and blue planet that Vince Russo should still be employed logically speaking, but the sheer fact that he still has a job defies all logic!
Our heads are going to explode when these two face one another!
More than likely our collective demise will be caused by the topic they must handle, which focuses on the best female wrestler on the independent pro wrestling circuit today.
Lord knows if either writer has ventured out of their respective war zones long enough to even have a passing clue as to who is wrestling on the independent circuit. I win the bet if Sara Del Ray and Serena Deeb pop up first.
This match up will be the Know Your Role Division’s bowling shoe ugly match, as I’m assuming that both writers will have a difficult time really getting their point across with the assumed lack of knowledge they possess about female wrestlers in independent organizations.
You readers can Wikipedia a list of stats after Googling an independent star, so I would suggest not buying into those types of articles here. Instead, look for the writer who can honestly explain to us why their star is the best female wrestler without resting on championship wins and title reigns.
Free hint: videos of your pick included in your piece could help your argument out tremendously.
Jon is a Featured Columnist that is much like Will J Baker in that he splits his articles between soccer and pro wrestling. Jon also crafts lists, which may hinder him just a tad in making a big enough splash to win this fight.
On the other hand, C-Cool is a straight-shooting writer who hits the point right on and supports it without spending too much time walking around the park. His work reads easily, but this appetizer-like style could be a roadblock to him right here.
Cool and Jon are tasked with talking about the best major Mexican promotion. Now THIS topic will be hard chestnut to crack.
The average B/R writer and reader knows very little about the Lucha Libre style. It wasn’t that long ago that a well-known B/R writer (who shall remain nameless) voiced their dislike for Sin Cara because of the superstar’s inability to “tell a story” in his matches.
I had to remind my dear friend that (a) Sin Cara didn’t pass through FCW, so he has yet to adapt to the “WWE style” of storytelling, and (b) that Sin Cara’s “storytelling” could been understood better by watching some Lucha Libre matches on YouTube.
No offense to this writer but hell, I knew that and I’ve only seen a handful of Lucha Libre matches.
Not only will these writers have to familiarize themselves with the Mexican style of pro wrestling, but they will also have to be able to comfortably explain that to the readers before arguing why their chosen organization is the best organization.
And believe you me, there are more than two.
The writers here could benefit from looking at some of the cruiserweight matches featuring Mexican stars from WCW, as well as searching YouTube for some matches as well.
Stats and figures will play an important role in their work as well, not to mention the superstars that have passed through the company and are currently working for the company.
It wouldn’t hurt to find out where Sin Cara came from.
I foresee C-Cool having a little trouble here as the piece will not be short by virtue of the subject matter.
Jon may have the writing stamina must remember that the piece isn’t about why his company is better than the other ones, but should be about why his company is the best.
This concludes our official match listing for the Know Your Role Division! Allow me to present the obligatory recap for those that fell asleep with their face on the forward arrow key:
1) Joe Burgett vs. ReDevil: "Worst WWE Talk Show in History"
2) Bryan Flory vs. Will J Baker: "Top WCW World Heavyweight Champion (Not a WWE Star)
3) Robert Aitken vs. Jeff Awesome: "Best Band in WWE History"
4) Lewis vs. Charlie Groenewegen: "Best Female Wrestler on the Independent Circuit"
5) C-Cool vs. Jon Sainz: "Best Major Mexican Promotion"
Remember to tune in Tuesday for these pieces, and especially make sure to stay tuned in to find out the play in match that will determine the writer who will face the winner of the C-Cool/Jon Sainz match!
Check back in to B/R for the next piece to highlight the remaining division (or divisions) in this epic Creature vs. Creature contest. My weekend will be heavy with work-related activities, so you'll have to stay tuned for the next piece.
Good luck to all the writers in the Blue Division! “Know Your Role,” and show us all here on B/R why YOU deserve to be known as the best in the pro wrestling section!