20 Sports Stories No One Wants to Hear About
No matter who you are or what you do, we all have our share of stories. Some can be interesting, others are hilarious, but lets face it, not all of us are as interesting as the Dos Equis man.
A few tales can seem like epic, movie-ready stories or stage-five problems in our minds, but when talked about with others they can bore them more than watching their grandmother knit.
This list will break down 20 sports subjects that, no matter how awesome they seem to you, will not have people asking for more detail. If you are a frequent abuser of any of these topics, I'm sorry, but someone had to tell you that they just don't care to listen.
20. Your Epic Madden Game
Let’s kick this list off with something that hits home to a lot of people.
There is no question the Madden franchise is an excellent gaming series, but your latest online game should stay in the cyber world.
Your story about your injured player’s heroics, that fourth-quarter comeback or your running back’s inhuman stats would sound a lot better if you were speaking of a real NFL game.
Why are these stories so painfully uninteresting for people's ears? Because it's just not real football.
19. That Time You Left Early from a Game with a Great Finish
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"Yeah we wanted to beat the traffic, so we left the game in the eighth inning and missed the walk-off grand slam. I mean, we were down three, who would have thought we would win?" (ends in subtle laughter)
Translation-- "We gave up on our team, so we wasted our tickets and booked it before the most important inning of the game started."
To a die-hard or even some fair-weather fans, this can make their ears bleed. Going to the game and missing the play that won the game shows nothing but unfaithfulness and a severe lack of loyalty.
18. Any Gruesome Injury Story
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Unlike most topics on this list, this one isn't on here to avoid boring other people to death. This one is put on here for the squeamish that can't stand the thought of blood or anything worse than that.
I also don't work for Eharmony, but I have a strong feeling that it would be a good idea not to talk about your worst injury on a first date.
Talking about your old high school sports past shouldn't be a problem, but the time where your finger broke through your skin won't have your queasy audience asking for more of a graphic.
17. Your Take on the Kobe-LeBron Debate
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This may be because the name “LeBron” has been used more on ESPN than the name “ESPN” itself, but I think I speak for a good number of people when I say I’m tired of hearing about him.
What even rattles my rim even more is when people argue whether Kobe Bryant or LeBron James is better, who is the next Jordan, who will have more rings, etc..
How about this: they’re both great players, no one will be the next Jordan because everyone is their own person, and let’s just watch what happens in the future to decide the ring story.
Of all great debates in sports, this one has been the most overplayed of them all recently, and to be honest, I think we are all tired of it.
16. How You Got Thrown out of a Game the Other Night
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If you have ever been thrown out of a game, please, for the sake of your reputation, leave it to yourself.
“So I was at my kids little league game, and the ump kept jobbing us on calls. I told him what I thought about him and he kicked me out. What the heck, right?”
Translation: “Hey, do you want to hear how big of a jackass I am? I yelled at an umpire trying to make some hard-earned money because he called my kid out on a couple of close plays.”
Whenever you get the boot from a kid’s game or a major league event, odds are you will come off as a stone-cold jerk. Sure, it may have felt great and empowering at the time, but leave it inside the park you were just excused from.
15. Your Stories from the Horse Track
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Most of the time when someone talks about betting on horses, you only hear about the good days, but can we change that so we don’t hear about any days?
Every day at the track there are sets of new horses, so it’s not like you can even track a horse’s improvement and make it sound the slightest bit interesting.
Going to the race track can be a lot of fun, but once you leave with a heavier (or lighter) wallet, it’s time to keep the day to yourself and avoid trying to explain how you almost won your boxed trifecta.
14. Bragging About Your Parents' Past Athletic Achievements
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with having pride in your family, but there needs to be a line drawn.
Bragging about how your dad set his high school’s home run record can go sour if you have yet to go deep this whole season. Your mother’s track scholarship? That would be better left untold if you struggle to run a lap without keeling over.
What I’m trying to get at here is that your parents' accomplishments can have your peers wondering where the gene pool went wrong. So if the athletic genes of Matt Treanor and Misty May (pictured) fails to produce a decent athlete, someone better point that kid to this article.
13. That Time You Almost Caught That Fish
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On rare occasions, fishing can be a tad bit thrilling, so coming close to reeling in that trophy may seem like losing game 7 of the NBA Finals to you, but to other people it’s just a story of failure and sunburn.
The type of bait, the kind of lure, and the thirty minute battle with the fish is to be left on the boat, that way you can save your audiences fake nods and looks of shock.
Imaginary points are added to your story ONLY if you fell in the water, capsized your boat, or anything that’s unthinkable that results in soaked attire.
12. That Time You Actually Did Catch That Fish
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Why does this rank ahead of not catching a fish? Because coming out successful robs the audience of a hilarious ending.
Using your $150 fish finder, your arsenal of state-of-the-art lures, and your store-bought bait really sets an even playing field.
If you catch a fish with your bare hands, then let’s hear it, but come on, you’re using all the technology in the world to catch a creature with the attention span of, well, a fish.
11. Weight Room Stories
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Maybe it’s because I can lift as much weight as Betty White, but I have never found any amusement in hearing stories of how much poundage you can pick up.
What really turns these type of conversations in an annoying direction is when people start trying to outdo each other solely by saying what they have done.
Whenever I’m caught in a conversation where someone is boasting how they did in the weight room, why should I care?
Dude, I don’t care about how big your arms are, and it’s kind of weird that you think I would have a level of concern about that, too.
10. Your Moment of Glory When You Are a Bench Player
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I would like to take this time and apologize on behalf of all other bench players around the world.
When you’re sitting with a group of people that are talking about last night’s game and you had nearly nothing to do with it, you may have an urge to include yourself.
Right after Jimmy talks about his game-changing interception, the last thing people want to hear about is your tackle when the game was a 30-point blowout.
It may have been a big deal to you, but that minuscule detail is better left in your “in-mind personal highlight reel.”
9. When You Almost Had Tickets to That Big Game
“Almost” is the operative word in this.
You almost saw that no-hitter? You almost saw that three-touchdown performance? You almost saw them raise the cup?
We almost care.
8. Any Beer Pong Stories
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Add 10 imaginary boring points if this person is still a little tipsy.
Coming off of my first year of college, I have almost died at many parties from dying of boredom from these stories. The only thing that is more entertaining than hearing about a nice BP story is pretty much everything else that is happening at the party.
I think I speak for many college students when I say that I would rather hear about the guy hurling in the corner than people throwing balls in a cup.
7. Comparing Your New Driver to Your Old One
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Unless your name is Tiger Woods, people can care less about your new set of clubs, period.
Amateur golfers definitely have their own swings to worry about; maybe that’s why the average score worldwide is about 100.
To hear someone bellyache about how their hook is still a problem with their new driver is like hearing a kid whine about how his new toy doesn’t perform how it does in the commercials.
On another note, getting yourself pumped up to try out that new $300 driver after two failed attempts in the last year also just says that you may need to invest in a swing coach, not another ball killer.
6. NASCAR Stories
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Let me take a wild shot at what happens next.
He took a left turn?
5. Way-Too-Serious Little League Coaching Strategy
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Almost every youth team has a couple of kids who can’t really grasp the game, and coaches will make it a priority to curve the game around them.
Discussing with your co-worker how you achieved coaching excellence by putting Tommy in right field instead of left field can make you look like a Will Ferrell-esque coach (i.e. Kicking and Screaming).
Most of us also know the story of the coach that intentionally walked a power hitter in order to get to a cancer-stricken kid for the final out of the game.
Now I highly doubt that a repeat of this story will ever happen, but any of its degree should never be spoken of, no matter how close and important the game was.
4. Any Stories Relating to Footwear
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-Your “sick” basketball shoes that will make you look “boss”
-Your change from high-top cleats to low-top cleats
-Your new snowboard bindings
-Your alternate golf spikes
-Your new sharpened skates
-Anything of the sort
3. Any Poker Story That Doesn't Include a Royal Flush
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In 95 percent of all poker stories I have ever heard, there is always at least one change made on the board or the hand being spoke of.
Remembering exactly what happened in a poker hand that was played through is very challenging, and therefore should not be attempted to be told.
The reason why the royal flush gets the nod is because it’s a royal flush, for goodness sakes. At 649,750 to 1 odds of hitting it, that story is worth telling, unless it is online. That's not even real poker.
2. Any Bowling Stories
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Guilty as charged.
Being a bowler in my hay day, I have heard and certainly told my share of stories from the alley, and I nearly accounted for dozens of deaths on an account of boredom.
Even stories about perfect games are boring, because you literally do the same thing every single time. Strike. Strike. And make that 10 more strikes.
Spare stories don’t exactly keep people asking for more either, because you overcoming the obstacle of knocking down the ten pin is meaningless to many.
The absence of people that actually know where the ten pin is also adds more reason never to tell a bowling tale.
These talks can be excruciating if the receiver isn’t an avid bowler, because odds are they don’t know the bare minimum of the terminology, and they probably don’t care to learn it, either.
1. Fantasy Sports Stories
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For everyone that just spit their drink out, I’m sorry, but someone had to tell you.
Trades and free agent pickups in professional sports don’t put fans on their feet, and fake sports transactions are only worse.
You may have given up Peyton Manning to get those two missing factors, but let’s be honest with ourselves, what kind of reaction are you looking for other than a blank stare or fake amusement.
Hearing about your late game comeback is also as riveting as asking your dog groomer for a play-by-play account of Sparky’s haircut.
The symbolic touchdown thrown by your QB caught by your “owned” receiver doesn’t move people as much as what actually happened in the real game, you know, the one that actually meant something?
Even if Mike Vick did bring your team back from the dead against the Redskins, please refrain from using that story at parties.
What Did I Miss?
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Thanks for making it this far in the slide show, I appreciate your read, and now it's your turn to tell me what I missed.
Is there a sports topic that makes you wish you were anywhere else in the world than listening to that awful story? Are there any conversations that make the teller seem like a jerk? Then feel free to share!