*Disclaimer, This is completely satire. None of the following events or quotes are real.*
Hello Bleachers, and welcome to the first week of the WWE's weekly news! I'm Ben Gartland, detective of the dirt sheets here to bring you all the latest news and happenings from the world of professional wrestling.
Let's get started!
After a genealogy search through the Swagger family tree, it has been determined that the "All American American American" Jack Swagger, isn't even from North America, let alone the United States.
It has been found that Swagger's birth certificate has him hailing from the nation of Lithuania. The investigation was launched when it was found out that no one could understand what the hell he was saying.
The general consensus was that he had a heavy lisp, but now the truth has come out that he does not speak English in any way, shape or form.
More investigations found that he never went to Oklahoma University, but instead decided to forgo college so that he could wrestle in the Lithuanian Indy leagues.
Sources were not able to determine if he would drop the "All American American American" gimmick, but sources were able to confirm that he was been de-pushed so heavily that no one cares anymore.
Following a concussion scare the week before Capitol Punishment, WWE officials announced Tuesday that Randy Orton would be given a system upgrade this weekend.
"We haven't given Orton an upgrade in a really long time," A WWE spokesman said at a press release. "We cannot afford to lose this valuable machine."
The new system upgrade will be functioned to prevent injuries to the metal cranium, give him running abilities and to allow him to actually look like he took a beating at the end of a match.
"We're very excited about the new upgrade," the spokesman said. "We're getting closer and closer to making the perfect robot entertainer."
Orton will have to be shipped back to South Korea for the upgrade, but he will be ready for the Money in the Bank pay per view, according to inside sources.
After the Undertaker's match with Triple H at Wrestlemania 27, the crowd watched as the Deadman was carted off the stage on a stretcher.
Many thought it was kayfabe, and a storyline reason to keep the Undertaker out for an extended period of time.
However recent reports have surfaced that the Undertaker suffered a very real injury towards the end of the match that lead to him being carted out of the ring.
After he made Triple H tap out the Hell's Gates, the plan was for the Undertaker to do his one-knee eyes roll back celebration, and then walk gingerly up the ramp.
However when he rolled his eyes back, for the first time in history, they got stuck. After frantic, but useless attempts to roll them back, he tried calmly to walk back up the ramp with no sight at all.
After seeing that this plan would not work, he feigned injury and exhaustion, which he lead to falling near the edge of the ring. He signaled under the ring to Hornswoggle, who quickly burrowed through the bowels of the Georgia Dome to alert the doctors of the situation.
An emergency surgery was performed later that night and the Undertaker is slowly regaining full motion of his eyes.
A 30 year old fan was ejected from Monday Night Raw for booing and jeering at John Cena.
The man yelled comments about Cena's character staleness, and was immediately escorted out by security.
"We can't have fans humiliating the face of the company," Vince Mcmahon said at a press conference. "We don't want fans like that at our shows."
The report was that the man was heavily intoxicated at the time, which might explain his horrendous actions.
Cena declined comment as he had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles to attend to.
No word yet on whether the WWE will file a lawsuit against the fan.
So what did you guys think?
If you liked it, tell me in the comments and I might do another one next week. If not, well I really don't care.
Once again this was all satire and none of it is true. Thanks to RiZE and Deal for letting me use their usernames.
Quick question that's open for debate: When the Undertaker passes away, will it be appropriate to say "Rest in Peace Deadman."?