John Cena 20:2–20:17: The Ten Commandments, According to WWE

Marc MattalianoCorrespondent IIIJune 24, 2011

John Cena 20:2–20:17: The Ten Commandments, According to WWE

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    As a supplement to my article about a recent WWE house show I attended this past Saturday, I previously mentioned how kids literally worship John Cena.

    In essence, I'd like to take a look at just how appropriately John Cena would fit if his name were shoved casually into the 10 Commandments. 

    Keep in mind, I myself am not directly comparing John Cena to any deity, nor am I attempting to be the overly insulting type that claims to be a heroin-addict, heathen prostitute when Jehovah's Witnesses knock on my door.

    In all honesty, my fiancee and I have a family of Jamaicans living in the apartment above ours and every Thursday and Sunday, they hold a loud ministry in their half of the shared garage.  

    As disruptive as all the chanting, clapping, singing and sermons are, we have not one time left any dead animals on their doorstep, handed them occult literature or told them to "F" off. 

    The purpose of this article is merely to see the similarity in what WWE is presenting us with, as fans.  When I hear things from the mouths of children, like what I heard at the show, word for word:

    "I didn't think John Cena was real, is he really real?"

    I can only assume that children are being allowed, by their much older (and allegedly wiser) parents/guardians, to believe that Cena is truly a super-powerful, heavenly being with "powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men."

    Don't believe me?  Let's visit each one, and see if we can tell just how WWE feels about this man.

Commandment 1

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    "I am the Lord your Cena, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery."

    Cena didn't exactly save us from slavery, though he did make WWE TV interesting after the Attitude Era was over.  Same thing?  Maybe not. 

    His heel rapper gimmick started around the time of the Ruthless Aggression Era, and it didn't take overly long for fans to warm up to such a character.  Since then, only real noticeable changes have been his lack of unique clothing and he only raps when a high-profile enough star challenges him.

    He did lead the charge when Nexus was causing trouble.  Notice in the picture, even bigger stars like Bret Hart and Jericho aren't as prominent.  Cena is MOST prominent.  Also, he did try to inspire A-Ry to leave being a slave to Miz, so I guess it works on that level.

    In a way, I feel like God was saying with that commandment, "dude, I saved your asses, don't I deserve to be worshipped for that?"  To be honest, I personally don't want to be manipulated by a deity. 

    Similarly, I don't want an entertainment corporation telling me one of their stars saved them by meeting their bottom lines, and as a result, we should all love him for it.

    Let me make that decision myself, thank you.

Commandment 2

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    "Do not have any other gods before Cena."

    Please check back to my second Supershow article for the biggest proof of this, but the fact is, all six souvenir stands we saw at the show had at least two or three Cena shirts hanging up, all in a row.

    Look me in the face and tell me this Commandment doesn't apply.  Even if Cena doesn't say this specifically, management pretty much does.  You can like whoever you want, but it doesn't matter.  Cena will always hold higher position in their eyes.

    Cena is looked at as the poster child for the company.  You know what that means?  That means that everything he says can be seen as what WWE says.

    Think back to how Stone Cold acted when his Texas Rattlesnake character was first born.  I defy you to take most of his promos and rants, and not imagine that instead of an opponent or rival or McMahon, he was yelling at WCW.

    WWE was getting beaten in the ratings and their answer was to aggressively fight WCW back with a loudmouth, attitude-driven character like Stone Cold.  And it worked!

    NWO represented a similar metaphor in WCW's history.  NWO was a force that was "invading" WCW and challenging WCW's rich history with modern-day evil and corruption.  Almost like Vince McMahon (by way of former WWF Superstars) was trying to invade WCW with purchasing deals?

    Similar, isn't it?  John Cena's words represent the company the strongest.  Look what happened when he merely tried to get under Rock's skin by calling him "Brokeback."  GLAAD was all over the company and demanded an apology.  Why?  Because John Cena is pushed as a good guy!

    Maybe I wasn't taking notice back then, but Austin didn't get nearly that kind of flak.  That's because he wasn't an overall good person.  He was pushed as anti-hero, not as a role model. 

    You push a guy like Cena as a good-hearted, kind, caring role model and have him spout out biting insults, eventually people will take offense.

    And with their fanbase being primarily kids these days, organizations like GLAAD will take additional offense.

Commandment 3

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    "You shall not make yourself an idol, whether in the form that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."

    Okay, this one doesn't really gel, as WWE sells us "idols" all the time.  Shirts, wristbands, armbands, headbands, caps, action figures, any objects with Cena's name, likeness or catchphrases so that we can worship him outside of watching wrestling.

    Then again, uber-Christians wear crosses like if they take them off, evil will just seep into every orifice on their body, so I suppose we can see wiggle room here. 

    Christians are told not to create idols, but if you go into the house of someone really strict to Catholic scripture, you'll see pictures, icons, paintings and whatever else of Jesus.

    Same with the room of a kid who worships Cena.

    Also, if you ever get caught trying to manufacture, sell and make money off of Cena merch that you made without WWE's written and contractual consent, you will get your ass hauled to jail.

    Don't make idols to the Lord your Cena, or you will suffer the wrath.  Mark their words...

Commandment 4

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    "You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your Cena am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me."

    Sounds about right.  Kids feel pain when seeing anyone else on TV besides Cena, and feel punished and cheated worshipping anyone else but him.

    I understand that they get impatient, they're kids.  Still, they act as antsy as an adult superfan who goes to a concert early and has to sit through an opening act that's probably fantastic, but they refuse to give them the time of day because they're not the act they paid to see.

    Sure, fans in attendance at WWE shows will cheer for others, but it's really just a warm up until Cena arrives, and sometimes, he opens the show.  All those cheers are for Cena, no one else.  Don't fool yourself.

Commandment 5

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    "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your Cena, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name."

    Unless WWE grabs the best lookalike possible, buries them in development and never addresses it outside of Cena cracking one silly quip.  Maybe, I can't remember anymore.

    Again, this is more of a corporate guideline, as anyone who misuses Cena's name or likeness will get their ass dragged into court and treated like Job...given diseases, having their families and livestock taken away, their friends kidnapped by warlords and raiders, all the good stuff.

    Kids dress up like Cena every single day, but that's not the same thing.  They've conned their parents into buying all that merchandise, so it's cool and legal!  Nothing wrong with fans expressing who they like best, right?

Commandment 6

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    "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy."

    Before you think this one doesn't apply, help me out...what day are pay-per-view events usually?  Oh yeah!  Sunday!

Commandment 7

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    "For six days you shall labour and do all your work."

    That's right, kids, I'm Mr. T (aka John Cena).  Eat your school, drink your vitamins, I pity the fool, you want some, come get some.  Same difference...

    Cena's gotta be the biggest advocate of everything good and honest in the world, and I'm not saying he should stop visiting kids for Make-A-Wish (like Jeff Hardy allegedly stopped signing autographs to emphasize the beginning of his heel run with Immortal in TNA).

    I'm just saying if WWE puts so much into promoting how what happens on TV isn't "really really real," then guys like Cena can put a little wiggle room into what they portray on TV.

    I'm sorry, I know I've pointed this out before, but there's no excuse for us having to see the Bellas bully Kharma for being pregnant, then seeing directly after it a "beaSTAR" ad with the Bellas leading the charge AGAINST bullying.

    It's inconsistent, unnecessary, and insulting to the fans' collective intelligence.  Fans everywhere can buy up every piece of Cena merch there is and that's fine and cool.

    Kids everywhere can treat Cena as if he's "the second coming."  But we need to be REMINDED that everyone else is a lying, cheating, bullying, sneaky jerk and only Cena's talent in the ring is "really really real?"

    Honestly, look at the subliminal messages here.  The foam hand gesture you see here is the typical American sign for "OK," "Cena Approved" in small type at the bottom, and the phrase "You Can't See Me" is so unearthly condescending, it's a wonder that Cena is still considered to be "a good guy." 

    For those who don't know, "you can't see me," or at least how Cena uses it, should be interpreted as the following:  you are not even in my league, and I am so far ahead of you, you can't even see me any more.

    It's been said and heard so many times, it has to have lost all meaning to people.

    Merch like this is WWE telling kids, "this is OK, this is all OK, your hero is perfectly OK!"  Please...anyone else telling others an equivalent of "you can't see me" would be considered a heel seconds later.

Commandment 8

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    "For in six days Cena made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore Cena blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it."

    That's right, because in case you didn't get the memo, Cena always wins.  After basically six days worth of PPV build up, Cena always wins. 

    You can buy shirts and merch for other wrestlers, but you're really wasting your money because when the Lord your Cena is in the ring, he will bless the ring and consecrate it with his powers.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Screw all the comparisons to Superman.  As cheesy as it is to see villains magically whip out Kryptonite, at least Superman has a weakness.

    John Cena has no weaknesses, nothing that gets under his skin, nothing that turns him into an enraged animal that loses control, nothing that causes him to toss his ideals and mottos by the wayside, nothing that makes him give up, nothing that breaks him down...absolutely, positively no weaknesses.

    Let's take a look at some of the invincible folks in the past who have had weaknesses:

    Undertaker?  You bet!  Defeating that urn was a hard nut for him to crack, but he did it!  Stone Cold? 

    Even the mighty Rattlesnake had a moment or two when he felt defeated, beaten down and powerless.  May have been a disappointing time, when the Alliance was in town, but it showed Stone Cold being, dare I say, human

    Shawn Michaels?  Need I remind you how HBK "lost his smile" yet again?

    John Cena's always on the level.  He's always calm.  He always stays focused.  And as a result, he always wins.

    You're going to tell me in all this time he's spent at the top, nobody's been able to pull his card and pull off a clean upset?  Really?  Nobody?

Commandment 9

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    "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your Cena is giving you."

    Be good, otherwise mommy and daddy won't want to buy you PPVs and action figures anymore.

Commandment(s) 10

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    "You shall not kill/murder.  You shall not commit adultery.  You shall not steal.  You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.  You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

    Lumped these all together because, as George Carlin once quipped, "all that stuff basically says the same thing, 'don't be dishonest and don't lie.'"  Doesn't this picture just sum it all up? 

    The other five men in the photo have likely been guilty (kayfabe) of most of the things mentioned above.  And Cena has beaten all of them at least once.

    We're in PG waters, kids.  Don't do anything that may be considered evil, mean, bad, destructive or even insulting to anyone who doesn't deserve it.  Always live up to your expectations and always be good and honest and true.

    Hustle Loyalty Respect!  Never Give Up!

    But see, I've called Cena a hypocrite before (I know I'm not the only one) and I intend on doing it again...

Matthew 7: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

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    John Cena has an awful tendency to childishly make fun anyone that appears and questions him.  In recent memory, he's done it to the Rock, he's done it to Vickie Guerrero, he's done it to CM Punk, he's done it to Miz, and he's done it to R-Truth.

    He's the role model, and yet he can't "use his words" properly to settle arguments?  Something isn't right, and it's becoming more apparent to fans each week.

    All of the people I mentioned have brought before the Lord your Cena completely valid arguments as to why he's not only a fraud, but a bad person. 

    And instead of being an adult and giving well-thought-out reasons why he does what he does, he turns to the people, gets a cheap pop from fans and changes the subject so that he can make fun of whoever was asking.

    All that means is that he's well-spoken.  That does not mean he has "good mic skills."  Making everyone in the Universe look foolish, worthless, pointless and idiotic while getting lukewarm pops at best for his own crummy jokes during promos does not mean he has "good mic skills."  It means the company is using his ability with words as a band-aid for their error in protecting him.

    Their protecting him and keeping him invincible is a wound WWE needs to heal, and slapping a band-aid on it and making it look like he's entertaining, when he's clearly not, will hurt them drastically in the end.  Hell, read my Supershow article.  It already is hurting them terribly.

    I don't care how often he visits sick kids.  Call me insensitive for not doing it in my own free time.  I also don't care how nice he is to fans.  Plenty of celebrities, officials, and others in positions of power are good at putting on smiley faces for cameras and public displays.

    Ever hear the expression "kissing babies?"  It's used for politicians who want the ultimate in photo-ops.  Kissing babies in no way makes them good people at heart, it just means that when they're seen, they do good deeds.

    Matthew 7 says "Judge not lest ye be judged."  John Cena can judge, but others cannot.  If you judge Cena, you will be punished for it.  If you defy Cena, you will be punished for it.  If you anger Cena, you will be punished for it.  If you challenge Cena, you will be punished for it. 

    And if you think you're better than Cena in the ring, so help you, you may just end up fading into obscurity, which is one of the worst punishments of all if you're desperately trying to make it in the WWE spotlight.

    That's what WWE is teaching kids.  Not that John Cena wins all the time on merit.  But that John Cena is the omnipotent, omniscient, all-good, creator of the cosmos.  At least, that's generally how "God" is defined.

    Cripes, if you think about it these days, John Cena has a more consistent record than even God does.  Still don't believe me?

    Centuries ago, according to the Bible, if you pissed off God, there were severe, direct and immediate consequences. 

    These days, Satanists are running around, debauchery is rampant, Commandments are getting broken left and right, and aside from some bad weather and tornado watches up here in New Jersey, I don't see any 40 days and 40 nights worth of floods to wash everything away to a clean slate.

    El Nino brought us no fresh starts, people.

    Only explanation I can think of is that Vince McMahon truly meant what he said during his classic rivalry with Shawn Michaels.  Vince is more powerful than God!  And since John Cena is basically a creation of his...well...

    You get the idea.

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