40 Attainable Sports Hotties for the Everyman

Amber LeeSports Lists Lead WriterJune 17, 2011

40 Attainable Sports Hotties for the Everyman

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    I lied. Not all of them are attainable. But I'll explain...

    The bad news is that there are 100 DJ Jazzy Jeffs for every Fresh Prince.  That’s just the world we live in. 

    If you are wondering which one you are, stop—you’re a DJ Jazzy Jeff.  Just trust me on this.

    The good news is that we live in the Internet age of seemingly limitless possibilities—a golden age of endless means of communication and self promotion.  As a result, the chances of an everyman (you) landing a beautiful woman from the wide world of sports have never been greater. 

    This doesn’t mean you have a good chance, but your odds might be higher than you think if you keep a few things in mind. 

    1. Aim high, but not too high.  Essentially you need to find a target somewhere between Anna Kournikova and someone in the WNBA. 

    2. If looks are your top priority you’re probably going to have to make sacrifices in at least one of the following categories: sanity, emotional well being, youth, rungs on the social ladder or a high school education.

    To give you a little perspective, I’ve assembled a list of 40 women from all over the sports map, 20 of whom you actually may have a shot at taking home to meet mom this Christmas.   

Unattainable: Anna Rawson

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    Anna Rawson

    Anna Rawson has been turning heads on the course since joining the LPGA in 2008 and is universally considered one of the hottest women to swing a club.  The 30-year-old model-turned-golfer Aussie made headlines in 2009 when she famously noted that the LPGA is unpopular due to the public misconception that the tour consists predominately of “unattractive d*kes.” [Yikes]

    In just one of many unfortunate realities facing the LPGA, Rawson recently announced that she’s calling it quits from her remarkably unremarkable career in professional golf.  Going out on top is overrated anyway, ask Brett Favre.

    We hate to see you go, but we love to watch you walk away.

    Why you have no shot:  She’s crazy hot, worldly, classy, she’s engaged to a super rich talent agent and she’s old enough to know better.

Attainable: Morgan Pressel

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    Morgan Pressel

    Morgan Pressel is the LPGA’s best kept secret.  She’s got wholesome girl-next-door good looks: blonde hair, nice smile and a solid rack.  Plus, if you hate being embarrassed for the person you’re (theoretically) sharing a bed with, she’s actually pretty good at golf...you know..for a girl...

    Why you’ve got a shot: She’s young, which means she’s prone to bad decisions.  She only gets noticed for her solid golf game, which means she could have a complex about her looks.  She’s known for giving back, which means she’s definitely willing to take on a charity case.

    Bonus: If things don’t work out, she could introduce you to her younger sister Madison who plays golf at UT, which is probably best case scenario because you know what they say about college chicks.

Unattainable: Anna Kournikova

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    Anna Kournikova

    Hot blondes are a dime a dozen in professional tennis, but there is no blonde who has been hotter for longer than Anna Kournikova. 

    She retired in 2003 at the ripe old age of 22 having never won a singles title.  Finally a double-standard that benefits the ladies. She is the most successful failure in professional sports and has been unapologetically unemployed for years now. All that and she still wouldn’t give you the time of day.

    Why you have no shot: Because Enrique Iglesias worked out some kind of arrangement with the devil already.

Attainable: Daniela Hantuchovà

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    Daniela Hantuchovà

    Eastern Europe’s ability to churn out athletically gifted bombshells is unparalleled, and Daniela Hantuchovà is yet another cog in their growing army of super-blondes.

    Why you’ve got a shot:  She is the product of a Soviet-era failed marriage; when trying to land a hot blonde, potential daddy issues are an everyman’s best friend. 

    She’s also seems like a bit of a perfectionist (as proven by her obscenely detailed Wikipedia page) who is forced to exist in the sizable shadows of Maria Sharapova and Maria Kirlienko—she’s gotta be an emotional wreck.  

Unattainable: Miami Dolphins Cheerleader

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    So you have a thing for cheerleaders—big surprise.  Remember all the cheerleaders who ignored you in high school?  Well imagine those same girls, but about 50 times hotter and acutely aware of the power they hold over the millions of men desperate to see them naked. 

    Meet the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders who are, hands down, the hottest in the NFL. 

    Why you have no shot:  There are plenty of obvious reasons, but I decided to dig a little deeper—I read through their bios to see if you could measure up to their expectations.

    Picture a date with Jaime: you pick her up at her Miami penthouse in your car, you take in a Marlins game, head out for some cruise'n on a boat (do you own a boat?) before stopping at Tiffany’s for a gift that tells her exactly her worth to you.

    Now does that sound like something you could pull off? 

    Didn’t think so.

Attainable: The Buffalo Jills

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    Jill of the Buffalo Jills

    The Buffalo Jills are quite adorable; it’s a shame that they have to spend most of the season in sweat suits.  I suppose that’s just one of many crosses the people of Buffalo have to bear. 

    These wholesome girls look more like a junior high school cheerleading squad than the stunning sexpots you’ll find on most NFL squads.  The most surprising thing about the Jills is that out of the 36 total members only five of them are blond! 

    Why you’ve got a shot:  Again, I read though some of their bios, to get a sense of what these sassy young ladies want out of life.  Picture your first date with Jill as based on her bio: you’re doing something active in the sun, Nelly’s Hot in here is playing on repeat in the background and ducks are quacking in a distant pond. 

    Then you sit down for a lovely picnic lunch and enjoy the finest Spaghettio’s Buffalo has to offer before picking four-leaf clovers together and then calling it a day. 

    Sounds amazing, right?

Unattainable: Erin Andrews

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    Erin Andrews

    Surely you don’t need to be convinced that Erin Andrews is truly the gold standard of female sports journalism—but just in case you do, let’s run down her case. 

    She’s got the body.

    She’s got the moves.

    She’s got the passion for sports.

    She’s got the patience to handle people constantly behaving like idiots around her.

    Why you have no shot: Don’t let the fact that this sorority girl went to the University of Florida fool you—Ms. Andrews is shockingly wholesome.  She’s also unsurprisingly guarded about her private life after a series of crazy stalker incidents involving "Erin Andrews Enthusiasts" dominated the headlines in 2009.

Attainable: Rachel Nichols

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    Rachel Nichols

    I’ve developed a fictional narrative based on an Adam Sandler movie to explain why the attainable Rachel Nichols is actually more desirable than Erin Andrews.  If you haven’t seen The Wedding Singer, you might want to skip this slide entirely. 

    Erin Andrews is Julia Sullivan.  Humble, adorable, traditional, sugar coated Julia.  She loves your music, she makes you hand-crafted gifts when you’re down, she is cute as a kitten, she wants to grow old with you and she doesn’t care a lick that you’re no longer the lead singer of Final Warning.

    Rachel Nichols is Holly Sullivan.  Brazen, liberated, unapologetic, sexually aggressive Holly.  She loves Madonna, she will hand-feed you french fries at a nightclub when you’re hungry, and she will put out on the first date if she thinks you make a cute couple. 

    The pragmatic Holly has no problem showing a boob to her co-workers if it means a harmonious working environment—she’s not naïve, and she’ll call you on your bullshit.

    Why you’ve got a shot: Julia and Robbie Heart can have their grand gestures; Holly doesn’t need the contrived fairytale ending.  Holly ends up with macho mustachioed Sammy—a badass dude who rocks a mullet so hard that it’s reminiscent of a young Jaromir Jagr. 

    He drives a limo everywhere, he idolizes a Thriller-era Michael Jackson, he owns leather jackets in assorted colors and he will buy his unhinged best friend a first class ticket to Vegas because deep down, he knows it’ll impress Holly who is standing next to him. 

    See what I mean!?

    (please, just humor me)

Unattainable: Gisele Bundchen

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    Gisele Bundchen

    Her authoritarian views on breastfeeding aside, Gisele Bundchen is epic.  Period.  She’s been the biggest thing in modeling for over a decade, and although she’ll be 31 in July, her career shows no sign of slowing. 

    The seemingly affable Bundchen has an indefinable quality that makes her writhing around naked on a bed in front of a camera crew look innocent, classy even.  Oh yeah, and she’s poised to be the first model billionaire. When it rains, it pours.

    Why you have no shot: Because in her marriage to the beautiful three-time Super Bowl Champion and future Hall of Famer Tom Brady, she is the one that’s settling. 

    The silver lining—at least you aren’t required to have a stupid haircut.

Attainable: Anna Benson

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    Anna Benson

    Anna Benson is the real-life Pretty Woman, which finally gives me some real world perspective on that whole story.  The rags-to-riches fairytale of MLB’s most garish couple began at an Atlanta strip club and ended at the altar. 

    Fun Fact: not all good stories start at strip clubs, but all stories that start at strip clubs are good.

    Why you’ve got a shot: Mrs. Kris Benson is making a name for herself as The Gold Digger of professional poker, which means she spends time in Las Vegas.  You know, Vegas, a city that makes covering up gambling losses and infidelity through willful ignorance, the cornerstone of a global marketing campaign. 

    Oh, and in 2004 during an interview with Howard Stern, Benson famously announced her revenge plan, should Kris ever decide to take the Tiger Woods marriage detour to hell.  It involved sleeping with every member of the Mets organization.  There’s more than an outside chance she’ll open that up to outsiders eventually.

Unattainable: Michelle Beadle

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    Michelle Beadle

    In the world of women sports reporters, it really doesn’t get much better than the co-host of ESPN’s SportsNation, Michelle Beadle

    She's gorgeous, she's cool and she's got a razor sharp wit and routinely outshines co-host, noted national irritant and hate mail enthusiast, Colin Cowherd

    Beadle is the ultimate guy’s girl who isn’t afraid to get down and dirty. She hosted a show called Big Game Hunters and worked as a sideline reporter at the Professional Bull Riders’ (PBR without a hint of irony) Bud Light Cup tour before she made it big. 

    All that AND she loves sports!  You know Beadle would never ask you to turn off Monday Night Football to watch The Bachelor.

    Why you have no shot: Because I called dibs!  Sorry boys, shot gun rules apply.

Attainable: Lindsay Czarniak

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    Lindsay Czarniak

    Consider the sports situation in the nation’s capital.  The pathetic fanboy antics of litigious billionaire/local pariah Daniel Snyder have driven the once-proud Redskins franchise into the ground

    The Capitals are perennial choke-artists who are routinely bumped from the playoffs by inferior teams. 

    The Washington Wizards have looked more like the Washington Generals over the last two decades.  Oh and the Natties are one of MLB’s bottom feeders. 

    As a district resident, I assure you that things are every bit as bleak as they seem but local sports hottie Lindsay Czarniak is the spoon full of sugar needed to swallow all that bad medicine.  Czarniak, who has the face of an angel and the confidence of a young Howard Cossell, is a national treasure who won’t be under the radar forever. 

    Why you’ve got a shot: She’s still a local sports anchor, which means you’ve got a lot less competition.  She’s got a very boring Twitter account, which means you have a way to reach her directly AND the introductory neg to get her hooked. 

    Plus she’s from Harrisburg, which means deep down she’s just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, and you could be her city boy, born and raised in South Detroit.

Unattainable: Ashley Force

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    Ashley Force

    Ashley Force is as real of a deal as there is in women’s racing.  This girl has got drag racing in her genes—her dad is a champion racer and Ashley earned her cred by defeating him in a 2007 race.  She’s also got drag racing in her womb—due to give birth to her first child in August. 

    Why you have no shot:  Force is former high school cheerleader who has a passion for cars and boasts three equally hot sisters.  You just aren’t that lucky bro.

Attainable: Danica Patrick

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    Danica Patrick like you've never seen her before. In a car.

    Calling Danica Patrick, who is arguably the most well known woman in racing, attainable is going to raise some eyebrows, but I stand firm on this issue.  As a race car driver, her resume is lacking substance and the career highlight seventh place finish is just kind of embarrassing. 

    Maybe if she spent more time in a car and less time on top of one, she'd be improving.  Overall her rise to prominence is an overall net loss for lady-cred.

    Why you’ve got a shot: I’m no hater, but Patrick is just a run-of-the-mill attractive woman who benefits from the low expectations this country has for NASCAR.  Oh—and she married a Joe Schmoe physical therapist that helped her during recover from what, I assume, was a GoDaddy shower accident.

    All it takes to land this girl is some pain killers and general proximity.  Allegedly.

Unattainable: Vanessa Rousso

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    Vanessa Rousso

    Poker is on ESPN, so it counts as a sport.  Vanessa Rousso is a 27-year-old French-American who, aside from being gorgeous, happens to be one of the most successful women in professional poker today with nearly $3 million in earnings.

    Why you have no shot: She’s not your average poker player, having earned a degree in law from the University of Miami. Rousso has also racked up endorsements and modeling jobs in recent years—she appeared in both Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and Maxim and is also one of the many GoDaddy girls. 

Attainable: Jennifer Tilly

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    Jennifer Tilly

    Jennifer Tilly’s acting career peaked in 1994 when she earned an Oscar nomination for her performance in Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway.  Facing a steep decline in her career in 2003, she turned to poker and never looked back. 

    Tilly has won nearly a million dollars in her poker career and also brings in money from appearing as a celebrity guest in tournaments.  Her boyfriend professional poker player Phil Laak, 15 years her junior, has amassed an $18 million fortune. 

    Why you’ve got a shot: Tilly is a wildcard.  She’ll re-invent herself or her life at the drop of a hat and her relationship with Laak is rumored to be.. complicated. 

Unattainable: Jessica White

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    Jessica White

    Getcha popcorn ready because Terrell Owens has finally delivered something worth a decade of hype—his girlfriend Jessica White.  Here’s just a little of what I know about this girl: she was a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, she’s been arrested for bar brawling, she was in Big Momma’s House 2, she’s a recovering addict, she dated Sean Penn.  Amazing.

    Looks like T.O.’s yin has found its yang. 

    Why you have no shot: This girl is a handful, and frankly you don’t have the resources to deal with it.  T.O. is rich and only marginally employed, so he has a lot of time to run interference. 

    Oh, and he’s got exactly what she’s looking for: the body of a Greek God and a unique ability to create a one-man media circus at the drop of a hat.

Attainable: Kendra Baskett Wilkinson

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    Kendra Wilkinson Baskett

    Kendra Baskett is the future ex-wife of NFL receiver Hank Baskett.  She’s famous for comically large implants, sharing a bed with an elderly man and for being kind of a dumbass.

    That being said—Kendra is not ugly—which is a good thing because her looks are her only survival mechanism.

    Why you’ve got a shot: Believe it or not, Kendra is a mere 26 years old, so you’ve got plenty of time to pursue becoming her second or third husband.  According to her Wikipedia page, a meal from the Olive Garden and some home recording equipment should do the trick.

Unattainable: Gretchen Bleiler

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    Gretchen Bleiler

    Gretchen Bleiler is a 30-year-old snowboarder who has been competing professionally since 1996.  She’s an Olympic silver medalist and a five-time Superpipe medalist at the X Games with her sights set on the upcoming London games. 

    Impressive already—right? 

    Well, she’s also been rocking the hottest body on the slopes for the last decade as seen in the pages of Maxim, FHM, ESPN The Magazine, Glamour, and Shape to name just a few. 

    Why you have no shot:  In terms of the all-American farmer’s daughter mid-west ideal—it doesn’t really get much better than Bleiler, Ohio’s finest export.  Oh and in addition to a body that could have been lifted from the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, she’s got a captivating rockstar persona that she puts to good use as a passionate advocate for climate change. 

    I’m not saying that you’re not good enough for her.. but I’m not not saying it.

Attainable: Tara Dakides

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    Tara Dakides

    Sad about not being good enough for Gretchen Bleiler because you are totally into hot unattached snowboarding chicks in their 30’s whose lives are a perennial spring break and now you feel empty inside? 

    Meet Tara Dakides, a 35-year-old snowboarder who hails from Laguna Hills, California of MTV fame.  Dakides’ has career trajectory has been remarkably similar to Bleiler’s but their personalities couldn’t be more different. 

    Tough-talking Dakides dropped out of high school in ninth grade to pursue snowboarding but the fact that she brings over a million dollars in real estate holdings to the table truly makes me proud to be an American. 

    Why you have a shot:  In an interview discussing her poetry, she chillingly channels Gary Busey in describing herself as a P.O.E.T. aka: Pondering on Endless Thinking.  There are not too many people who could tolerate routinely feigning interest in the poetry of someone over the age of 13.

Unattainable: Amanda Beard

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    Amanda Beard

    Over the last several years Amanda Beard has been featured in various states of undress in countless publications.  Her 2007 Playboy pictorial is definitely worth checking out if you have some free time. 

    Well it turns out that she’s a swimmer too and a pretty good one at that—she’s metaled in every Olympics since 1996 games and is currently training for London 2012.

    Why you have no shot:  The aforementioned Playboy pictorial is probably reason enough.  She’s also an accomplished race car driver, a GoDaddy girl, a passionate advocate for the humane treatment of animals, a vegetarian and she’s swimming in Olympic medals.

Attainable: Stephanie Rice

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    Stephanie Rice is an Australian swimmer who pulled in an impressive three gold medals at the 2008 games in Beijing.  Since then she’s been keeping busy just like every other 20 something in the western world—by embarrassing herself on the interwebs. 

    In 2008, she posted some pretty fantastic pictures of herself on Facebook and by "fantastic" I mean "so racy that they were deemed too raunchy for Swimming Australia, with all of the swimmers ordered to block public access to their Faceook profile pages."

    More recently she’s dealt with fallout from a gay-slur she Tweeted after what must have been one hell of a rugby match. 

    Why you have a shot:  I’ve actually got three compelling reasons

    1. Timing.  Any other time in this girl’s life and you wouldn’t have a GD prayer, but she’s gotta be feeling a little down after her globally reported missteps. 

    2.  I don’t mean to stereotype, however, it’s a scientific fact that Australians love Americans.  

    3.  Jaguar dropped their sponsorship after her regrettable Tweet last September, which means she probably could use a ride. 

Unattainable: Nastia Liukin

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    Nastia Liukin

    Gymnast “NastyNastia Liukin is a Russian-American stunner who brought home Olympic gold from the 2008 games in Beijing.  She’s the daughter of two former Soviet champion gymnasts who was born in Moscow before immigrating to the US, following the collapse of the Soviet Union. 

    She’s one of the best gymnasts in American history and a beautiful blonde reminder of our national triumph over Communism.

    Why you have no shot: Liukin is a world renowned athlete pursuing a degree in international business and training for London 2012 who spends her downtime doing charity work with World Vision. 

    Nasty also finds the time to maintain a Twitter account through which she expresses her unbridled enthusiasm for everything via hundreds of exclamation points!!!!!!!! 

    Don’t even pretend like you can hang with all that.

Attainable: Elysia Ulrich

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    Elysia Ulrich

    So you probably were expecting a gymnast, but (my theory is) most of them are determined little robots that live and breathe personal achievement.  Motocross rider Elysia Ulrich is definitely not a gymnast and maybe she won't appeal to everyone—but I grew in western Pennsylvania where the dirt bike is a way of life, so I know there's a market. 

    The 26-year-old Ulrich recently went pro in Motocross and is simultaneously pursuing a degree in international business.  Oh, and she likes to get down in the dirt wearing a bikini. 

    All of this and she only has five “likes” on Facebook—one being me. 

    Why you have a shot: Two words: Ground Floor

    There are few things in life more satisfying than being on a rapidly rising elevator from the ground floor.  Imagine being the guy who insisted on drafting Tom Brady, you could just coast on that cred for the rest of your life.

    My point is there is theoretically attainable and then there’s attainable.  

Unattainable: Malia Jones

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    Malia Jones

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that 33-year-old pro-surfer/model Malia Jones is the hottest female athlete on the planet. 

    She’s appeared in Maxim, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Esquire and was once named one of People’s “50 Most beautiful".  Need I say more?

    Why you have no shot: see photo.

Attainable: Serena Brooke

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    Sauce

    Serena Brooke is a professional surfer who travels year-round for photo shoots, competitions and promotional trips for her sponsors and magazines.  It seems she’s got next to no responsibilities aside from the two children she “sponsors” in Peru and Bangladesh—which is a good thing because “me time” is something the 29-year-old Brooke is passionate about. 

    Why you have a shot: There are a few things working in your favor here.  For starters, her nickname is “Sauce” which could mean she’s a big fan of the hooch—as you know drunk chicks tend to have relaxed standards. 

    Sauce is like a sexually experienced teenager that doesn’t live with her parents—she lists ketchup, motorbikes, fast cars and eating hot dogs as some of her favorite things. 

    If ketchup is one of your favorite things, you could contact Sauce directly to inquire about the possibility of a future together.

Unattainable: Elena Hight

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    Elena Hight

    Two-time Olympian Elena Hight has been a competitive snowboarder for eight years, and she’s only 20!  She is a gorgeous globe-trotting professional athlete on the rise.  She’s probably got piles of money, loves drive-through car-washes, listens to Jay-Z and manages to consistently update her blog.

    Why you have no shot: On June 4th she tweeted, “Really tough evening of homework, who uses Algebra in real life anyway?!”  Is there any legitimate scenario in which you can imagine the two of you together that doesn’t end with her calling the police?

Attainable: Leanne Pelosi

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    Leanne Pelosi

    Impossibly adorable Leanne Pelosi is laid back snowboarder who lists her stance as “Goofy” and uses words like “stoked”. She’s into hockey, Twitter and empanadas.  Pelosi travels the globe with a merry band of snow-centric athletes to compete in contests and soak up as much of the world as possible.

    Why you have a shot: Pelosi is a sensible low maintenance Canadian girl whose dream is to own a dog.  She drives a Vovlo, drinks mojitos in the snow and her favorite food is wine.  If you like the snow and could get used to recycling, you and the age-appropriate Leanne could be very happy together.

Unattainable: Lindsay Vonn

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    Lindsey Vonn

    Lindsay Vonn is the most recognizable skier in the world.  She’s been skiing competitively since 1999 and racked up over 100 wins since her Olympic debut in 2002.  Off the slopes, Vonn is very accomplished at being professionally good-looking—she ranked No. 59 in Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100 list. 

    In February of 2010, she was featured on a controversial cover of Sports Illustrated that invoked the ire of some cranky women.  One week later Vonn double-downed when she appeared in an ultra-sexy multi-page photo spread in SI Swimsuit Edition. The ballsy snow goddess closed out the month by hosting a faux press-conference publicly mocking Tiger Woods’ sex scandal, thus cementing her place as an American legend.

    Why you have no shot:  Is it because she’s one of the best skiers in the world?  No.  Is it because she likes to stand around in the snow wearing a bikini?  No.   Is it because she’s absolutely hilarious?  Not even!

    It’s because, according to her Wikipedia page, Lindsey is fluent in German with an Austrian accent. 

    Homegirl is just too smart for you.

Attainable: Jenny Jones

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    Jenny Jones

    The UK's most successful snowboarder Jenny Jones is coming off the most disappointing season of her career.  She's been an X Games superstar for years, earning dozens of titles in her event of choice: slopestyle

    Like many athletes, Jones has been dreaming of competing in the Olympics for as long as she can remember but her event is not yet recognized-- though it is currently under consideration as an addition to the 2014 games.  Though she has no plans to retire from competitions, she's currently in Austria training as snowboard instructor.

    Why you have a shot: She's adrift in a sea of unrealized Olympic glory.  Plus, she turned 30 earlier this year which may be the root cause of all this self-reflection and sudden concern about long-term plans for the future.  If that's not a recipe for hasty settling, I don't know what is.

Unattainale: Lauren Jackson

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    Lauren Jackson

    This probably won't surprise you, but the WNBA is facing a severe babe drought, and the Seattle Storm's Lauren Jackson is a much needed oasis.

    The 30-year-old Australian native was drafted first overall by Seattle in the 2001 draft—today she is considered the best player in WNBA history and has three Olympic silver metals to her name.  In 2005, the statuesque 6'6" Jackson appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and in 2009 she took it all off for German Playboy.

    Why you have no shot:  LJ is a world class athlete who looks like a Nordic goddess and isn't the least bit concerned that everyone on the internet has seen her naked. 

    Did I mention that she listens to Guns and Roses, her favorite actor is the amazing Tim Curry AND she likes to unwind after games with a drink?

Attainable: Becky Hammon

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    Becky Hammon

    There’s a distinct possibility that Becky Hammon may be the long lost twin of Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  She’s kind of like a teenie tiny version of Lauren Jackson who is worse at basketball and not as pretty. 

    Hammon plays in a Russian basketball league during the off season which left her unable to attend the USA Olympic tryouts in 2008, but that didn’t end her Olympic dreams.  The South Dakota native actually became a naturalized Russian citizen in order to play for the Russian Olympic basketball team.  Booya.   

    Why you’ve got a shot:  She’s a WNBA player who (allegedly) forsook her country for Russia. 

Unattainable: Elin Nordegrin

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    Elin Nordegren

    Nobody, including Elin Nordegren, will ever understand what the crap is wrong with Tiger Woods. All that's left to do is move on.  Nordegren wasted little time in moving on with her life after her divorce was finalized. She's reportedly dating, taking classes at Rollins College and renovating her newest mansion.

    Tiger has had a tougher road.

    Why you have no shot: The 31-year-old Swedish beauty probably has a line of men a mile long standing outside her Palm Beach mansion, and you can bet that she's going to pick one that puts Tiger to shame. 

Attainable: Joumana Kidd

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    Joumana Kidd

    Joumana Kidd is the ex-wife of Dallas Mavericks point-guard Jason Kidd.  To say their divorce was contentious would be an understatement—"gratuitously nasty" is more like it.  Jason Kidd filed the papers and cited alleged "extreme cruelty" and Joumana countered with allegations of physical abuse.

    Why you've got a shot:  She's well-off financially, which means you don't have to worry about getting a job.  The extreme plastic surgery is officially out of hand, which means that she's got more than a little problem with self-esteem.  Plus she's turning 40 next year—totally not going to help the current situation. 

    Joumana Kidd is textbook cougar, and you could be her cub.

Unattainable: Oregan Ducks Cheerleader

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    Quack.

    The Oregon Ducks Cheerleaders are the most buzzed about NCAA bootyshakers in the country.  They are the subject of countless online video tributes, Facebook fan pages and Sports Illustrated photo galleries—not to mention a topic of discussion on the most skeevy of online message boards. 

    Why you have no shot:  Because these perky blond fem-bots already have it all.  They’re getting a great education in one of the most picturesque states in country, they get to cheer for the best team in college football, they are universally adored, and they get to party with the Oregon Duck

Attainable: West Virginia University Cheerleader

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    The West Virginia University Cheerleaders are actually pretty cute considering they spend a minimum of nine months per year in the mountains of West Virginia—if they attended almost any other university they would be completely out of reach. 

    WVU places amongst the nation's top "party schools" every year—nightly games of beer pong and constant exposure to the smoke of burning couches would take a toll on anyone. 

    Why you’ve got a shot:  Having spent more than a few weekends at WVU myself, I know what the situation is down there—people are freaking bored and looking to get in trouble. College is supposed to be a good time, but there's something about the mountains and the booze that just makes magic in Morgantown.

    If you can’t score under those conditions, you just can’t score.

Unattainable: Dallas Mavericks Dancer

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    Cecilia, you're breaking my heart.

    Experts in the field routinely rank the dancers from both the Mavs and the Heat among the hottest in the league.  Dirk Nowitzki was the tie breaker here. Advantage Mavericks.

    Why you have no shot: Aside from the obvious reasons, the fact that the Mavs won the NBA championship means these dancers are going to be the most in demand basketball dancers in the entire world—until next year. 

    Honestly, I don’t know what the scheduling demands of these girls are, but I still feel comfortable saying you have no shot.

    Fun fact about Cecilia: She doesn’t want to go to Antarctica

Attainable: Sacramento Kings Dancer

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    The shooting of the Sacramento Kings might be cold, but their dancers offer more than enough heat.  Some NBA teams are cautious about the image of their dancers—outside of publicity shots, it's almost impossible to find pictures of dancers from the Lakers and the Mavs. 

    The Kings have a more laissez faire attitude on the subject, even in light of 2008 NBA All-Star Weekend scandal that made headlines.  The offending pictures aren't that bad, but a story about cheerleaders that involves partial nudity will live forever. 

    Why you've got a shot:  These girls obviously like to have a good time, which is a pretty good start.  They swig champagne straight from the bottle and they thrive in the spotlight—and if enough people aren't looking, they're not shy about engaging a little faux-girl-on-girl action to turn heads.

    Don't get me wrong, you still don't have much of a shot, but these fun-loving ladies are your best bet.

Unattainable: Rooney Mara

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    Rooney Mara

    Actress Rooney Mara is the granddaughter of long time New York Giants owner, Wellington Mara, and the great-granddaughter of Pittsburgh Steelers founder, Art. Rooney Sr.  She’s been acting since 2005 but her career really took off in 2010 when she landed the lead role in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

    Why you have no shot:  She’s got the hookup on football tickets, she’s making bank as an actress, she’s an NYU graduate and her grandfather, Tim Rooney, insists she’s not a “braggadocio.” 

    She’s just got a Natalie Portman vibe. Do you have a shot with Natalie Portman?  No.

Attainable: Jeanie Buss

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    Jeanie Buss

    Jeanie Buss is the daughter of L.A. Lakers owner, Jerry Buss, and is the Lakers Executive Vice President of Business Operations for the organization—one of only a handful of female executives in the NBA. 

    She has been dating former Lakers coach Phil Jackson for over 10 years, but they have no plan to marry.  Buss hasn’t let her single status hold her back though, she’s being considered for the reality show Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

    Why you have a shot: Anything could happen with the eccentric Phil Jackson and the legendary Jeanie Buss.  In what way legendary you ask?  She posed for Playboy in 1995, and today at 50 she looks good enough to do it again. 

    She’s the premier cougar in sports today and knows it—she’s confident, unapologetic and clearly enjoys the spotlight. 

    She’s unpredictable—who knows what she’ll do next..that means you have a shot.