Breaking News: Tom Coughlin's Face Goes on Rampage

jeff tydemanAnalyst IJanuary 22, 2008

A nation hungry for good news had reason to smile when, shortly after Tom Coughlin coached his New York Giants over the Packers in Green Bay in the NFC Championship, his freezing face took on Life and left Coughlin's skull to become an independent entity.

Dr. Rolf Schnerdstuhl of the German Institute of Re-Animation, told us how:

"Apparently zee eckstreem freezing vetter had ein, wie kann ich das aussagen, a life-giving effect, enabling zee fase to take on a life of its own."

Monday began pleasantly enough. Coughlin wished the Face well, saying "Hey, if my old Face doesn't want to be with the New York Giants, then good riddance. This is a storied franchise that doesn't need any facial feature here that don't want to be here, whether it's Tiki Barber's gap-toothed grin or Lawrence Taylor's nose…which had a substance abuse problem."

First, Tom Coughlin's Face received an award from the United Clown Colleges of America and was saluted as Clown Cheeks of the Year.

"The coloration was stupendous," gushed a garish harlequin stinking of cheap gin at 9 in the morning. "Florid and red, with a white raccoon mask, seized up in anger and frustration. Reminiscent of Clarabelle or a young Bozo. Classic."

Next, Coughlin's Face inked a deal with Paramount to star in the sequel to the smash hit movie "Face/Off."

According to the press release:

"Johnnie Travolta and Nicky Cage were on-board, we just needed a quasi-autonomous facial lifeform to round out the cast. When we saw Tom Coughlin shivering on the sideline, we knew we had our extra-cranial actor."

But things got ugly when Tom Coughlin's Face met Tom Brady's Protective Boot for dinner at a local steak house. Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens saw them in front of the restaurant and burst into tears at the sight of the Protective Boot.

"That's MY quarterback's hurt foot protector," blubbered the Pro Bowler, girlish tears washing down to his quivering lower lip. "That's my QUARTERback. That's my quarterBACK."

When informed Brady wasn't his quarterback, a confused Owens dropped to the ground and began doing stomach crunches. "That won't get you out of everything!" yelled a spectator, only encouraging more reps.

Then it really got weird. Tom Coughlin's Face and Tom Brady's Protective Boot went clubbing with Heath Ledger's Corpse.

"What clubs did you hit?" Heath Ledger's Corpse was asked.

"I don't know or care," said the good-looking cadaver. "It's just the limo to the club to the VIP area. The ho's be all the same."

Tragically, an altercation resulted in the tasing and arrest of Tom Coughlin's Face.

"He'll be treated like any other face that was so cold it took on independent life and went on a rampage," said Sgt. O'Dooley of New York Police Stereotypes. "And he’ll look the same too: Shame-Faced!"