Football Fans Look as Though They Just Escaped from an Asylum
Americans are sports fanatics.
We love all sports.
We pay to see cars go in a circle.
We pay to see guys beat each other with big sticks.
We pay to sit on frozen bleachers and drink beer while we watch 350 pound guys try to kill each other.
We root for concussions.
We paint our faces and wear clothes banned at Mardi Gras.
Football fans are maybe the worst. They will wear anything—and sometimes almost nothing—in freezing weather.
We used to lock fanatics up. Now we make them pay to watch sports.
Guys Who Take Their Clothes Off in Freezing Weather
Just dressing stupidly is not enough for some fanatics.
They have to undress while everyone around them is bundled up against the frigid weather.
How stupid is it when you are such an exhibitionist that you take your clothes off and expose your beer belly in front of 60,000 fans and over a million watching on TV?
All Baseball Mascots are Stupid: This is The Dumbest
One of the dumbest things ever imagined are sports mascots.
Football mascots are dumb, but at least they work with cheerleaders. And you can overlook them in a football stadium.
Basketball mascots are stupid too. What does a guy in a Cat suit or a Bird costume add to a basketball game?
But mascots in baseball are the dumbest.
Baseball is the most cerebral of games, and mascots have no role.
But the dumbest mascot of all time has to be the Phillie Phanatic.
Padres Camo are the Dumbest Uniforms Ever
There have been a lot of ugly baseball suits.
Think of the Houston Astros in the 1970s.
Think of the giant Parakeets created when Willie Stargell's Pirates wore black and gold.
Think of the Chicago White Sox wearing shorts.
But without any question, the dumbest idea in uniforms is when the San Diego Padres don camo.
Isn't the idea of camo to disguise you so you won't be seen?
Then why put camo on a baseball uniform?
Oregon Uniforms Make You Drunk
The Oregon Ducks have developed a very good football program. But while doing that, someone in their program has gone completely crazy.
Their uniforms defy logic. They defy symmetry. They defy the color wheel.
They wear Ugly Yellow on Ugly Yellow.
They wear unis with feathers on the sleeves.
They wear White on White.
They wear Green over Gray.
They wear Black on Black.
They wear jerseys without feathers on the sleeves.
They wear anything. They wear everything.
And they disgrace Ducks. Because no real feathered friend would be seen in these colors.
Oregon Ducks Basketball is Too Deep In the Woods
Not only do the Oregon Ducks football uniforms prove someone in the great Northwest is crazy.
So does the Ducks' new Matthew Knight Arena.
First of all, the emblem at half court looks like a big zero. Not a good impression.
Then you have a graphic below it no one can understand.
Then the floor is covered with various shades of brown trees.
Then you see that it says "Deep In The Woods."
You've been too deep in the woods for too long in Oregon.
If Only a Hurricane Had Taken These Miami Uniforms
For a long time there have been questions about criminal activities surrounding University of Miami football.
Now it looks as though they have fitted the whole team with Day Glo in preparation for their time in jail.
The Miami Hurricane uniforms circa 2010 were horrendous.
Touchback or Safety? Who Can Tell?
There are all kinds of confusing terms in football.
West Coast offense.
Strong Safety. Weak side line backer.
But there are two terms that make no sense and should be reversed.
A touchback occurs when a receiver downs a kickoff in the end zone and his team gets the ball at the 20-yard line.
A safety occurs when the defensive team tackles an offensive player with the ball in the end zone and gets two points.
Which one sounds right to you?
Would it now make more sense to call it a safety when the player can touch his knee down and avoid being tackled?
Isn't the whole point to create a situation of safety?
Would it not make more sense to call it a touchback when you down an opposing player behind the goal line and get points for it?
Isn't the whole point to credit the team who TOUCHED the ball carrier down BACK behind the goal line?
Why do we need Sideshows at Baseball Games?
The San Diego Chicken may be the best known example.
But there is Myron Noodleman.
There is the dog that catches frisbies between innings.
There are the racing sausages in Milwaukee.
Baseball is the greatest sport in the world.
It is the game without a clock.
It is the individual game within a team concept.
Why do we insist on trying to entertain everyone every possible minute by bringing out sideshows between innings in baseball games?
If You Can't Eat 'Em, You Don't Need 'Em.
Of all the stupid things in sports, this one may take the cake.
Whoever came up with the idea of dressing up sausages and having them race around a baseball field is an idiot.
I have argued here that baseball does not need sideshows, but it sure doesn't need this wurst of all sideshows.
Where is the Paint Drying Channel?
Of all the stupid things ever invented by man, NASCAR is right at the top.
How anybody would want to sit and have their eardrums shattered while watching moving billboards circle an asphalt track is beyond me.
Yet, it gets even worse. People sit on their couches with their Dale Earnhardt afghans or their Jeff Gordon milk glasses and watch these stupid cars go round and round on television.
I have tried earnestly to find the Paint Drying Channel on my cable service, because I cannot stand the idea of watching cars go in a circle.