I told myself I wasn’t going to do it.
I was not going to watch two mediocre teams play football on a Thursday night—especially with Mark “May Day” May making up one-third of the broadcast booth.
Then my weekly game of pickup basketball got cancelled.
But there were still so many other things to do: rock my son to sleep, prepare for Friday’s workday, clean the dishes, anything. Instead, I was a poor husband, a sub-par employee, and an unfaithful steward to my home.
The TV somehow turned to ESPN, and West Virginia was off, racing down to Auburn territory. Wouldn’t you know it, though, Pat White threw an interception.
Not to be outshined in mediocrity, Auburn responded with another solid drive—only to blow it on 3rd and goal, botching a handoff and settling for a field goal.
A suddenly average Wes Byrum—sporting the infamous protruding kicker stomach, despite being only 20 years old—connected on a chip shot.
And you know why, Wes Byrum? You know why you are overweight and having an awful season? Because you mocked another team in their home. You did the Gator Chomp Slash in Gainesville—and the college football karma gods were watching.
3-0 after the first quarter.
Next thing I knew, I was flipping over to the Jacksonville State-UT Martin game over on the “U.” Unbelievably, Jacksonville State’s kicker was trying to outdo Wes Byrum.
I don’t mean to pick on the kid here, but Gavin Hallford, JSU’s kicker, has that “out-of-shape, overweight Dad who still thinks he is really muscular” thing going on. Not a good look.
I also had no idea how similar JSU’s helmets look to LSU’s, just in different colors. Kind of odd seeing Perrilloux run around in distorted LSU headgear.
Apparently Tom Brady had issues with his surgery. I’m glad the ticker has let me know that every five minutes for the last hour and a half.
Oh, and in case you didn’t hear, Syracuse is looking for a new head coach. Thanks for the heads up on that one, Worldwide Leader.
Anyway, by the time I came back to the Auburn game, Pat White had thrown himself another interception, and the Tigers had 17 points on the board.
You mean Pat White can’t pass? Who knew?
Wasn’t Noel Devine supposed to split the Heisman with Pat White this year?
Gosh West Virginia has some strange looking fans.
17-10 at the half. Strange plays, and some surprising big plays. I’m going real time, so it’s on to present tense, fellow droogs.
Tommy Trott, Auburn’s tight end, is going to have a successful career as a banker one day. Either that or a real estate agent. He’s got the “I’m from the South, and I want to sell you something” vibe working for him.
I like Lou Holtz, but I’m scared he might fall asleep during the game.
Auburn’s defense just looked absolutely silly trying to tackle Dorrell Jalloh. The Mountaineers have now ripped off 24 unanswered points. Something tells me Auburn is not going to come back and win this game…just a hunch.
Meanwhile, UT-Martin just scored on a nice fade route to go up 31-24. The skillplayers in this game are big dudes. Almost freakishly big for their positions; in fact, it’s hard to see a difference between the running backs, receivers, and the linebackers.
I’d say roughly 200 fans are on hand for this rain-soaked showdown.
Flipped back just in time to see May Day in his Pitt jersey and mini-fro. Nice.
Auburn loses 34-17. Tommy Trott is networking for his future company, and Pat White is running his mouth as if this game mattered. Bill Stewart calls Noel Devine “a strong, little man” while ogling Erin Andrews.
I just learned that UT-Martin is playing Auburn on November 8th. Auburn fans beware—the Skyhawks can put up some serious points, although USF did pummel them 56-7 early in the year.
Perrilloux has five minutes on the clock and roughly 70 yards to go to force OT. And he just did it in one pass—a terribly thrown prayer to a receiver who clearly pushed the defender in the back to create space.
In an odd twist of overweight kicker fate, however, my boy Gavin Hallford misses the PAT, his first miss of the year. The score now sits at 31-30. This is like Ole Miss-Florida, except no one is watching. Oh, the drama.
UT-Martin decides to run a pitch to the short side of the field in pouring rain, coughing up the ball but retaining possession. A few plays later, the Skyhawks are inside the JSU 25.
Not sure what kind of defensive philosophy the JSU coaches are employing on this drive.
Despite having two timeouts, Jacksonville State is allowing UT-Martin to simply run out the clock. More odd coaching. Then again, UT-Martin just decided to pass on 3rd and 10, but instead they took a sack and lost 13 yards.
What a chess match.
Perrilloux’s bomb to end the game is unsuccessful, and the adoring UT-Martin fans rush the field—outnumbered by the football team.
If you are still reading: Congratulations, you are more addicted to college football than me.