-We are LIVE! from Richmond, VA.
-We pick up the end of Tough Enough with Vince McMahon and Steve Austin doing their little song and dance to entertain the live crowd. Finally, Austin selects Andy as the winner, which is somewhat of a surprise because I thought Luke locked it up by playing the heel character the whole time. Of course, it was almost impossible for the home viewer to pick a winner because they didn’t show the final matches…not a clue why. McMahon slaps Andy, and Austin adds a stunner just because.
-So Austin and McMahon drink some beer but R-Truth, dressed like a Confederate soldier, makes his way to the ring and apologizes for last week. Truth mentions the Confederacy (cue rednecks cheering like morons) and a conspiracy, so Vince makes fun of him. The Miz interrupts and asks for a title match, Alex Riley comes down to tell him to shut up and John Cena appears to hog the spotlight. A token promo follows, and Vince interrupts the Anonymous GM to book Cena/Riley vs. Miz/Truth with Austin as the referee.
Santino Marella vs. Mike McGillicutty
Stall-o-rama leads to Santino running Mike to the corner and clotheslining him to the floor. McGillicutty regroups and takes over but has to cower when Santino threatens with the Cobra. McGillicutty recovers from the scary sight of Santino making a snake with his hand and hits a dropkick for two. I see Kozlov has adopted a blue robe because red means EVIL COMMIE! Santino makes his comeback off a blind charge and Kozlov takes out David Otunga at ringside. Santino hits the Cobra, and Curt Henning spins in his grave as his son lays down to the Miracle Jobber Connection.
Winner: Santino Marella
-Technically fine but Santino is a comedy curtain-jerker…why put him over anyone? *1/4
Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix vs. Bella Twins
Once again, the camera completely ignores Kelly’s partner and focuses on her…not that I’m complaining. The Bellas are the very definition of cookie-cutter women; they do the same entrance, the same moves, the same taunts, the same everything…every single match. Kelly has definitely been doing some more crunches lately, she’s obviously trying to get my attention.
Oh yeah, the match. Kelly works her extremely rehearsed spots but takes an AWFUL stungun and gets trapped in the twin corner. The Bellas apparently took an online course in Generic Heel Offense 101 because they work it the best they can (read: meaning “not good"). Kelly ducks out of a submission and gets the hot tag to Beth, who uses a slingshot suplex for two and triggers a brawl. Beth is left alone with Nikki and hits the Glam Slam for the win.
Winner: Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix
-Token short women’s match here *. Kelly’s body, however, is a *****.
-Meanwhile, Booker messes around with Trish Stratus (no, not THAT way…sickos) until Swagger comes in and challenges Mr. T to a match. I pity the fool.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Feeling out process leads to Punk working a submission, and they exchange pinfalls. The pace picks up, and Rey Rey gets a monkey flip, sending Punk to the floor, where he slides out with flying head scissors. Back in, a springboard legdrop gets two for Mysterio, and they fight to the corner. Rey goes up top for whatever, but Punk boots him down into the Tree of Woe in a good spot and lifts the knee for two. Punk hits a back suplex and works a body scissors before running Mysterio back-first into the post for two.
Mysterio makes a brief comeback, and they fight to the corner where Mysterio gets a high cross body for the double KO. Rey makes the babyface comeback but runs into a powerslam in a good spot for two. They exchange some counters, and Mason Ryan blocks the 619 so Mysterio tosses Punk into him and gets a splash from the top rope for the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
-*Yawn*, 50/50 booking is so boring. This is why no one moves up or down the card because people immediately get their wins back, and the matches end up not meaning anything. It was technically fine, but I think the wrong guy went over ***.
-Hey, remember all those unfunny fake press conferences they’ve been showing to promote Capital Punishment? We get yet another one.
-On the other hand, I am VERY exited for the WCW Nitro DVD. Hard to believe there was a time when I was actually excited to watch a World Championship Wrestling show.
-Alberto Del Rio graces us with his presence to recap Big Show getting ran over for the 60th time. He calls out Big Show, but it’s a SWERVE, and it’s just Ricardo on crutches with a fat suit…ha-ha. I thought they’d keep Del Rio’s character above this kind of stuff, but once again, I underestimate the “humor” of Vince McMahon.
-Hype video for Kofi Kingston.
Kofi Kingston vs. Zack Ryder
Special guest stars for this match as Dolph Ziggler is portraying an announcer and Ryder is your token jobber. Kofi immediately hits a dropkick, and Ryder is all offended, so he dodges a charge to the corner and hits a neckbreaker (missed by the camera) for two. Ryder stomps away in the corner for two and works the arm, but Kofi fights out and makes the comeback. Boom Drop sets up the Trouble in Paradise and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
-Basically an extended squash as Ryder was never a threat *1/2.
Jack Swagger vs. Booker T
Might as well use the Tough Enough people while they are here, right? Booker chops away against the ropes but misses a heel kick and gets clotheslined to the outside. Swagger adds some damage but only gets two in the ring so he works the arm. Jack gets a little anxious with a charge to the corner, and Booker makes the comeback with chops and tries the Axe Kick but settles for a heel kick instead. Swagger takes a powder and decides to take a walk for the count out.
Winner by Count Out: Booker T
-Pretty bad match with a crap finish 1/4*. Bourne attacks from behind again and Booker gets the Axe Kick so Evan can hit Air Bourne. Since when do white bread babyfaces attack people from behind? I must be getting old.
The Miz & R-Truth vs. John Cena & Alex Riley
Steve Austin is announced as your “VERY special referee”…you know, just so you know it’s a big deal. Riley tries to get at Miz, but he runs away so A-Ri does a sequence with Truth and gets taken down. Truth takes Riley through some basic stuff and both guys tag for some new blood. More running away silliness ends with Truth taking out Riley with a clothesline and we head to break.
We return with Riley trapped in the heel corner and Miz plants Riley with a DDT for two. Miz hammers away in the corner so Austin gets in his face, but the distraction is enough, and Miz hits the post on a corner charge. Truth manages to just barely cut off the tag and works a headlock. Finally, Riley comes back after raising his foot while Truth is coming off the top rope…a spot I really, really hate. I mean, seriously, what was Truth even TRYING to hit?
Cena gets the hot tag, and all hell breaks lose, ending with Miz getting caught with the STF but he fights to the ropes. Truth comes in wielding a chair, but he gets taken out with a dropkick so Miz and Cena clothesline each other for the double KO. Riley returns with the metal briefcase and teases hitting Cena, which no one buys, so he clocks Miz, Steve Austin adds a stunner and Cena gets the pin.
Winners: John Cena & Alex Riley
-BUT WAIT! The Anonymous GM reverses the decision because of Austin’s stunner then…makes Austin the GM for next week? What the hell sense does that make? Austin and Cena beat up Michael Cole for fun.
-No idea why they would tease having Riley nail Cena after having him beat the holy hell out of Miz two weeks in a row but whatever. This was supposed to be a fun match, and that’s what it was, so it gets **3/4.
A fairly average show, but then again, Raw has been in cruise control for quite awhile now. A few decent matches and the Tough Enough decision make it enough to be worth a look, but it wasn’t a classic or anything.